Dinosaur Casserole

The Crisis of Many Plys

2011-07-10T07:37:00.000-07:00

Until recently, I had everything all worked out toilet paper-wise. The only logical choice is, of course, your basic, garden-variety Scott tissue. It's unscented, it has 1,000 sheets per roll, and it promises septic safeness--meaning that it protects our poop systems from giant alligators.Furthermore, scientists have proven that Scott tissue eliminates Bolsheviks from your bathroom. I don't object to Bolsheviks, but their scowling, smoldering demeanor and disturbing moustaches tend to disrupt my morning routine. So: Preventing giant alligators + eliminating Bolsheviks = a big, ol' selling point.
There is one drawback to using Scott tissue. It can be disarming when "Mr. Thirsty Fibre" decides to pay a morning visit. This may be my bad--not his. We have been on distant terms since I called attention to the fact that he looks like he has been shopping in Mr. Peanut's closet. He has a short fuse on the best of days, and he did not appreciate my casual observation on his attire.
Yet, my problems with Mr. Thirsty Fibre pale in comparison to the many plied crisis at hand. What do I do about these new options? Which is best? Do I go with the kind that speaks Spanish? "Suave, Fuerte...Duradero" sounds much better than "Soft, Strong...Lasts Long"--even 'though it does not rhyme quite as well.Or, do I go with Scott Naturals? Its constant showboating about its "2-ply softness that gets the job done" (see bottom left corner of picture below) makes me wonder about the kind I use now--which does NOT claim to "get the job done." Does Scott original tissue leave the job undone? Is that what they're implying? If so, it is a haunting thought.And, what about this new tube-less kind? How will I feel when I get to the center of the roll and there's nothing there? Will it be sort of magical (ta-DAH!)? Will it be annoying when the roll dissolves to nothingness at halftime? Will it make me feel sentimental about the old, tubed rolls of my youth? Will it make me try to count up how many toilet paper tubes I've thrown away over my lifetime? And, most importantly, could this writer possibly have gotten an easier headline to write?
Okay--later. I've got some decision-making to do.

Have a Super Funtastic Time!

2011-05-19T15:19:00.001-07:00

Or Else!

2011-05-13T10:16:00.000-07:00

Puttin' On The Raptor!

2010-12-21T07:09:00.000-08:00

Christmas Carols: WTF?

2010-12-20T06:36:00.000-08:00

Here are a few facts about Christmas carols and me.

(1) I know the words of a few of them. Like, the one that has "Batman smells" in it and the one that goes ding-a-ling, hear them ring.
(2) Has anyone caroled at your house recently? Is it still done? I'm feeling like the only people who sing 'em these days are Carol Sharks--people who practice the words and are harmony ninjas...school choruses and the like.
(3) I will mumble and fake-sing Christmas carols if I do not know the words.
(4) I do not think there has ever been a Christmas-themed professional wrestler, has there? Okay, yes. This is off the topic of Christmas carols. But please apprise me if there has been a Christmas-themed professional wrestler. Hector Grinchinator? Anybody? Anybody? Bueller? Anybody?

Well, that went quickly. Let's move on. Did you know that there is a Christmas carol for every occasion? Here. Let me demonstrate:

1) A Dread Hath Come Upon Me
That's every Monday morning, right? Project deadlines? Tax season? It's the Christmas carol that keeps on giving dread year-round.

2) A Voice from the Desert Comes Awful and Shrill
I have no idea what this one is about, but all I'm thinking of is this:

3) At the Beginning of the Meat
Sure...

4) Where Is That Goodly Fragrance Flowing?
Almost always from the FebrezeTM bottle

5) The Kiges Baner on Felde is Playd
Okay, you can go ahead and call it a "Middle Englishe Carole." I'm calling it a freakin' text message.

6) Lacking Samite and Sable
Sounds like a craigslist ad to me, followed by ...Will trade Mimite and Mink for same.

7)

There should definitely be a Christmas carol random generator, don'tcha think? Here are the top words that you can combine to make your own Christmas carol. I advise adding a question mark, 'cause many carols are basically rhetorical questions.

MAKE YOUR OWN CAROL BY COMBINING THESE ITEMS! (Did another blogger do this? A dread hath come upon me that someone did.)
1) ?
2) Hark
3) Bells
4) Baby
5) Dread
6) Jolly
7) Snow
8) O'er
9) Merrye
10) O
11) Hail
12) Joyous
13) Upon
14) Virgin
15) Sweet
16) Shepherds
17) Santa
18) Christmas
19) Ring
20) Doth
21) Yon
22) My
23) Silver
24) Holy
25) !

Hark Dread Baby Bells, O My Joyous Shepherds!

"She Got It For Me Because I Broke Jesus."

2010-11-09T06:38:00.000-08:00

Yesterday, my sister was wearing a colorful ring that looks like one of the colorful rings that I am modeling in the photo below:It is a very affordable colorful ring. I know this because I used my very own hard-earned money to buy it for her...
...from this machine:
While my sister is not a sacred sort of gal--her religion, if any, is "kind-hearted heathen"--I knew these rings would make her laugh ("Trade these martyred saint rings with your friends, kids!") and she was wearing one yesterday while she was in a big meeting. Here's what happened:

Big Important Lady, grabbing my sister's hand: "That is an EXQUISITE ring!"
My Sister: "Thank you! My sister got it for me from a gumball machine."
Big Important Lady: "......."
My Sister: "She got it for me because I broke Jesus."*

*She did. My sister broke her Jesus ring by fiddling with it during another meeting. Jesus is now in her drawer, waiting for the arrival of my sister's friend who has promised that she will "drop by and fix Jesus when I get a chance."

Don't Fear the Reaper...Fear Angry Snowplow Guy!

2010-05-08T10:10:00.000-07:00

Shocked Dinosaur Supervises Nudist Wedding

2010-03-31T08:43:00.001-07:00

I Am Picking On YOU, Pyjama People!!!

2010-01-24T09:02:00.000-08:00

Okay, PajamaGram People. Listen up!

1) Your slogan, "In a world that's bananas, send some pajamas," bugs me. Looky: "Bananas" does not rhyme with "Pajamas." Sorrrrrr-y. It does not.

Now, I'm no expert, but I think you should go with this:

"In a world that's a frighty, send 'em a nightie."

No good? Okay. How about:

"The world's all whambammy! Send out some damn jammies!"

Thumbs down? Okay, I give up. But, "bananas" STILL does not rhyme with "pajamas."

2) I like "pyjamas" better than "pajamas." Why? I don't know. I just do. Make note of this, please.

3) You officially scare me with your new PajamaJeansTM. I don't know what to make of them. I really don't. Nothing could be less like pyjamas (bleaah) than jeans. Thus, you are causing me some severe cognitive dissonance here. Jeans? That are jammies? And that you swear to me will "offer the fashionable look of your favorite jeans combined with the comfort of your favorite PJs." I say it's not possible. I also say that it is possible you are trying to make me look foolish. More foolish. Very foolish. Not everyone will look like this in your unnatural jeanjam hybrid.In a separate matter, why do you consider me a "Pajama VIP"? I only sent the two bathrobes that one time. I don't think that should make me a "Pajama VIP" (or a "Pyjama VIP," for that matter). Raise your standards for your VIPs.

4) What's that, PyjamaPeopleTM? This post is proof that I am becoming cranky in my old age? Yes. I agree. But, I'm still right, PyjamaPeople TM. Ohhhhh, yes I amana.

SkiJs

2010-01-23T18:56:00.000-08:00

Dear PajamaGram People,

I admit it. I should not have taken that bold, scoffing, snide tone in my previous post. It was uncalled for. Your slogan is fine. It is just fine as is. Agreed? You like me now? We're okay now? Yaay!

So, here's the deal. Please stop sending me information about your new products. I already unsubscribed from your mailing list, so this is getting to be a little eerie--it's almost like you're coming up with products JUST to creep me out. I mean, are "SkiJs" really in your catalog or did you just take pictures of scary people wearing said "SkiJs," and send them to me? Because I am severely discomfited.

1) It's too white. It's just too damn white. In every way.
2) If you show me a man dressed like that, please just show me his wife holding a gun on him (it can have a ski design, if you like) or brandishing a taser. The little dog could hold the taser if that would make for a cuter picture.
3) White carpet? DOG? No footprints on rug? That rug does not make me think about slipping into my "SkiJs" and relaxing. It makes me think, "Clean, clean, clean. Scrub, scrub, scrub."
4) Let me tell you what the woman is about to say: "DARLING! Stop touching my hair! We're in our SkiJs! They're just meant for LOUNGING, nothing more. Here. Play with the chessmen."
5) Which raises a good point. Chess set? DOG? No chess pieces missing and in dog's stomach, ready to be removed for $2,000 by a smiling staff of vets who are all wearing SkiJs? HA.

Okay, I'm done for now. And, I hope I haven't been overly harsh. It's just that you're worrying me.

All best wishes to you and yours,
Sparkle

P.S. What's next? Really! I'm kinda interested. Scared, but interested!

Happy Zolo!

2010-01-05T06:11:00.001-08:00

Aunt: "So, Rita Mae was wondering why your sister's card says "Happy Zolo!"

Sparkle: "Tell Auntie Rita that it says 'Happy 2010!'"

Aunt: "That's what I told her, but she doesn't believe me."

Sparkle: "Did she think it was some weird new city folk holiday?"

Aunt: "Probably. With Rita Mae, you never know."

Dear Person Who Was Looking for the Recipe

2009-12-16T15:00:00.000-08:00

Dear Person Who Was Looking for the Recipe,

Hi there! From a swift perusal of "StatCounter," I see that you visited Dinosaur Casserole looking for a recipe for "Wonders of the Sea." At this time, I would like to apologize for NOT having this recipe when you washed up on this shore in error.

To make amends, here is the recipe for "Wonders of the Sea" from www.cooks.com. Enjoy! I am hoping that you will mold the "Wonders of the Sea" into a decorative fish shape, as they recommend. Or, better still, a sea serpent. Could you please make a Wonders of the Sea casserole in the shape of a sea serpent, take a picture, and let me see it? That would be simply smashing.

Okay! Ready? You will need A LOT of Saltines, so you'll probably have to pop by the supermarket first to get those and, oh, a few other odds and ends. For example, do you have pimentos on hand? I don't. I'm not sure I recommend that you buy those for this, either, because you KNOW they'll sit in your fridge 'til 2012.

WONDERS OF THE SEA CASSEROLE

1/4 lb. saltine crackers (or more) crumbled & moistened with water

To this add and mix well:
1 tsp. tarragon
1/2 tsp. curry powder
2 tsp. grey poupon mustard
3/4-1 c. mayonnaise (WOW that's a lot, huh?)
9-10 oz. can tuna, flaked up (Optional. Sparkle Sez: That's good because I don't know what "flaked up" means, unless do you think it means "teasing" the tuna with a fork?)
1 can white crabmeat
1 can minced clams
1-2 pkg. frozen sm. shrimp, thawed & rinsed
Juice of 1/2 lemon
1 med. onion
Chopped 1 med. green pepper
Chopped 1-2 ribs celery
Chopped 2 tbsp. celery leaves
1/2 c. salad olives (green stuffed with pimento, broken)
1 pimento, chopped (Sparkle Sez: DON'T DO IT! DO NOT BUY THAT CAN OF PIMENTOS! STAY STRONG.)
1 c. sherry (or white wine)
12-14 fresh mushrooms, sliced
1-1 1/2 tsp. Tabasco sauce
2-3 dashes Worcestershire sauce
1/2 c. black (ripe) olives
Sliced 4-5 water chestnuts, chopped (Sparkle Sez: ADD MORE OF THESE--THEY'RE GOOD)
2 lg. brown eggs, beaten to light & frothy
Paprika
Peanut oil

Crumble crackers, sprinkle with water. Add parsley, tarragon and curry powder, mustard and mayonnaise; mix well. Mix seafoods and sprinkle with lemon juice. Add to cracker mixture. Add chopped onion, green pepper, celery, pimento stuffed green olives, black olives, water chestnuts, celery leaves, Tabasco sauce, mushrooms, Worcestershire sauce, pimentos and the sherry. Work this all together well and add the 2 eggs, beaten until light and fluffy. Mix well.

Scallops (bay or deep sea) are a nice addition when in season.

Oil well a big casserole with peanut oil, and fill with the mixture. Bake at 350 degrees for 30 minutes. Sprinkle with paprika and bake 30 minutes more at 300 degrees. Garnish with sprigs of parsley and lemon wedges.

Note: For a buffet, this can be molded in the shape of a fish, with black olive eyes, lemon slices for fins, etc. (Sparkle sez: NO! PLEASE MAKE IT IN A SEA SERPENT SHAPE INSTEAD? PLEAAAAASE?) Also nice for a pot luck. This one's truly worth the effort! (Sparkle sez: It better be.)

Love,
Sparkle

"Hmm, on Second Thought..." Tuesday

2009-12-15T10:17:00.000-08:00

A neighbor drove by me while I was walking the dog yesterday. The neighbor tooted the horn: "Beep beep!" and waved in a mighty friendly way--~wave~wave~wave--
a bright red wooly mitten telegraphing warmth, season's greetings, and neighborly good cheer.

My Left Hand: Busy holding dog leash.
My Right Hand: Busy holding bag o' dog poo.
My Decision: Quick! Wave bag o' dog poo in friendly way! ~wave~flop~wave~flop~wave~

Mistake? Quite possibly. Does waving a bag o' dog poo really say "Season's greetings"? I am not convinced it does. That makes today "Hmm, on Second Thought..." Tuesday. Have a good one!

Spanky's Book Report

2009-12-14T07:30:00.000-08:00

But first, a word from Bertie:And now...to Spanky's Book Report.

But doesn't an oasis usually go in the DESERT?

2009-12-11T19:46:00.000-08:00

"To me, an Oasis will forever mean: Hope, Crosby, an overly amorous camel, and a whole lotta sand. Sorry, I can't be swayed on this point. Anyhoo, Sparkle wants me to put this in. I disapprove. But, what are you gonna do?"

Superlatives!

2009-12-10T09:10:00.000-08:00

"Hi, kids! So, Oasis of the Seas has many superlatives!"
"I disapprove of superlatives. If you advertise, it's good to say stuff is crappier than it is--then people can be surprised and be all, "This isn't crappy! Why this is almost great!" Low expectations. I thrive amongst low expectations. Of course, no expectations are even better.""Where was I? Hi, kids! So, Oasis of the Seas has many superlatives! And, these superlatives make it an awful lot like this blog. Let me give you some examples!"

Fact: Oasis of the Seas is "The largest and most revolutionary cruise ship at sea!"

Fact: Dinosaur Casserole is "The biggest and sickeningly green blog featuring small plastic dinosaurs in cyberspace! While it is not revolutionary, it probably has something to do with evolution--loosely speaking!"
"This is stupid."
"Awesome, huh? Here's some more!"

Fact: The Oasis of the Seas features "...the first zip line on a cruise ship, a thrilling 82 feet ride (25 meters), in the Sports Zone [neighborhood], suspended nine decks above the Boardwalk!"

Fact: Dinosaur Casserole will never have a zip line of any kind. That is so. However, Sparkle Plenty, creator of Dinosaur Casserole, has been quoted as saying "NO! I am super sure I won't ride the first zip line on a cruise ship--possibly any zip line on OR off any cruise ship."
"Coward. Dude, this is now painful. I gotta get outta here. I'm grabbing the "S" from the banner--despite its dubious strengths as a flotation device--and am-scraying.""Yes. I, too, find striking similarities between the Oasis of the Seas superlatives and those of Dinosaur Casserole!"

Fact: "The AquaTheater features first-ever acrobatic, synchronized and high-dive performances on the high seas with a talented cast of Olympic and National Collegiate Athletic Association divers."

Fact: "Sparkle Plenty went to college. She can pretty much swim. At least she could do so the last time she went swimming. Yeah, possibly the water wings helped, but she was super afloat. She did not super drown! And, her performance was enjoyed by MANY. Including the toddler who rescued her!""AUGH!""So, to wrap up, I'll share two more astonishing superlatives; they are sure to astonish you."

Fact: "Oasis of the Seas is the first ship to feature not one, but two FlowRiders in the Sports Zone." "Oh my gosh oh my gosh oh my gosh! This is AWESOME!""HUH?""Why why why...Never did I DREAM this was possible! The ship is gonna have two low riders?!!!! THIS IS IMMENSE! D'you think it's my friends, Hector and Manny? 'cause Hector has a sweet, tricked-out Impala and Manny's got that fiiiiine Lincoln Continental and...ALL MY FRIENDS LOVE A LOWRIDER!!! This is possibly the only thing I've ever approved of--next to the Floating HoJo's.""FLOWrider...the first technology that allows the fun and excitement of surfing.""Excuse me. I must retire to recalibrate my expectations."

Nat's Dream: The Floating HoJo's

2009-12-08T17:57:00.000-08:00

"Yeah. Nat here. I disapprove of everything. I've disapproved of everything for centuries. I've disapproved of everything since I hatched out of an egg that your brain is not equipped to imagine. (For the record: I disapprove of your brain's inability to imagine what my egg looked like.) Except for one thing. I have always approved of the concept of a Floating HoJo's. And now, because all of those people on Oasis of the Seas will be starving, my dream has become a reality. Pfft. Can you believe building such a big ship and not having any restaurants?"
"Nat, man, you're wrong. Again. Oasis of the Seas has, like a bajillion restaurants and I don't know what all--snack cabanas, munchy kiosks, formal dining experiences in each of the 'hoods, and possibly even trained "chip chimps" who run by and stuff Fritos in your mouth when you holler "Chip me, chimp!"
"Yeah, okay, so. I refuse to believe that because I refuse to believe that."
"You give me no choice, man, and I quote:
THE BOARDWALK
•Seafood Shack: A casual indoor/outdoor family restaurant on the Boardwalk; seafood, over-sized desserts and a vast selection of ‘mocktails’
•Boardwalk Bar: The main bar on the Boardwalk; offering fruit, salads and sandwiches
•Boardwalk Donut Shop: A classic haunt for casual snacks and delicious treats
•Ice Cream Parlor: A variety of ice cream flavors and toppings take center stage against a backdrop of 1950s kitsch
•Johnny Rockets: ‘50’s-style Diner with server-entertainers
CENTRAL PARK
•150 Central Park: A trendy, upscale and intimate restaurant with a tasting menu with customized wine pairings
•Giovanni's Table: An Italian trattoria with both indoor and alfresco seating featuring Italian classics served family-style
•Park Café: An indoor/outdoor gourmet market featuring salads, sandwiches, soups, pastries and to-die-for fudge
•Vintages: A wine bar with pre-dinner tapas and cheeses along with a robust selection of fine wines
•Chops Grille: Royal Caribbean’s signature steakhouse with views of Central Park, and premium cuts or quality meats
POOL AND SPORTS ZONE
•Solarium Bistro: A health-conscious dining option for lunch and healthful fare and dancing under the stars in the evening
•The Wipe Out Café: A casual self-service buffet with pizza, hamburgers, sandwiches and fresh salads
•Izumi Asian Cuisine: Featuring mouthwatering flavors and a sushi bar with hot-rock cooking
ROYAL PROMENADE
•Mondo Café: Open around the clock this café offers coffee, sandwiches and pastries like those found in Italy, Spain and Cuba
•Sorrento's Pizzeria: Featuring New York style pizza, with both made-to-order pies and by the slice
•Café Promenade: Offering Seattle’s Best coffee, fruit shakes, pastries and sandwiches all day
•The Cupcake Cupboard: Featuring fresh-baked gourmet cupcakes as well as parties and design classes
VITALITY AT SEA SPA AND FITNESS CENTER
•The Vitality Café: Offering healthy snacks, sandwiches, wraps, fruit and smoothies.
THE CLASSICS, Royal Caribbean hasn’t forgotten the classics of its fleet:
•Opus Dining Room: The ship’s main restaurant features a three-tier venue with a 1920s Art Deco style; flexible My Time Dining and traditional assigned seatings
•Windjammer Marketplace: A casual buffet fare for breakfast, lunch and dinner
•In-Stateroom Service: Order from the complimentary breakfast, lunch and dinner menus, or choose an original Johnny Rockets hamburger or Ghirardelli chocolate cookies from the new Dine In Delights menu
"I disapprove. I also note that you did not mention a Howard Johnson's, so I feel secure in my business plan to follow this ship around with my Floating HoJo's and its now-fully-functional fryolator."
"Howard Johnson's doesn't even EXIST anymore, Nat! THAT'S how much demand there is for it!"
"It's just not a vacation without HoJo's. Now, if you'll excuse me I must go make my 28 flavors of ice cream. I'm expecting customers any minute."

Fact: The Oasis of the Seas Has Seven Godmothers!

2009-12-07T06:41:00.000-08:00

"Hey! Good morning! Grab your cup of coffee and hold onto your hat, 'cause I'm about to tell you all about The Oasis of The Seas Seven Godmothers!!! There are seven 'cause the ship is awesome big and this is a super-innovative, super-cool approach to honoring the ship's "seven distinct neighborhoods!" What are the neighborhoods? Sure! I'll tell ya: Central Park, Boardwalk, Royal Promenade, Pool and Sports Zone, Vitality at Sea Spa and Fitness Center, Entertainment Place, and Youth Zone!"
"What the hell kinds of names are these for neighborhoods? Okay: Central Park. Okay maybe: Boardwalk--if we are playing Monopoly. But, Vitality at Sea Spa and Fitness Center Neighborhood? What kinds of ethnic restaurants will I find in this neighborhood? I don't even wanna think about the kinds of block parties they'd have. Carrot juice. Everybody would be walkin' around with fun flasks of carrot juice."
"Did you hear a little annoying squeak? Yeah, me too. Anyhoo! Here are the seven godmothers of the Oasis of the Seas: Daisy Fuentes, Shawn Johnson, Gloria Estefan, Michelle Kwan, Jane Seymour, Dara Torres, and Keshia Knight Pulliam! These seven awesome ladies were selected because they 'personify strength of character, exemplify the spirit of giving, and are role models for men, women and children alike!' Yaay! Let's hear it for these seven great gals!"
"I reject all seven godmothers. And, I shall replace them with:
1) Cher: Because she is three godmothers in one--gypsy, tramp, and thief.
2) Celine freakin' Dion: She was born to wear a sporty little yacht cap and hang out in the Entertainment Place and they are shying away from her because of the Titanic tie-in. Fess up, Oasis of the Seas: You are shying away from Celine Dion...Canadian, Humanitarian, and Logical Choice #1 for a Cruise Ship Godmother.
3) Okay, we can keep Dara Torres because she can help us swim to safety.
4) We are adding Tanya Harding. Show some guts, Oasis of the Seas! Give a gal--an athletic, strong gal who exemplifies a gritty kind of survivor courage that could be an example to the Pool and Sports Zone neighborhood--a chance. Moxie, initiative, and some strong Foxy Boxing skills. She's a lock.
5) OPRAH. Hello? What are you thinking, Oasis of the Seas? Pick a great big-hearted gal for a great big ship. She has Royal Promenade written all over her, dudes. Plus, she'll be a retiree soon and she won't have to be a greeter at Walmart if you hire her.
6) Newswoman Ann Curry--the only news anchor I trust to calmly and humorously tell me that the ship is sinking and I need to find Dara and Tanya to row me to shore.
7) Deceased comedians George Carlin and Mitch Hedberg. In drag. I don't care how many rules I am breaking with this controversial selection. They're a lock for Godmother #7. Wait. I need a Godmother for the Youth Zone. Crap. Okay, I'm adding Dick Cheney in drag as the Godmother for the Youth Zone because he will scare the crackers out of the wee ones and make them fall into a frozen silence, allowing me to enjoy my Mai Tais in peace.
8) Connie Selleca. It is a personal choice that I do not have to explain. It's a big freakin' ship. Make room for her. See? Now THAT'S a list of seven godmothers!"
"Sometimes it is challenging to be your friend, Nat."

Okay, it's real simple, see?

2009-11-17T19:39:00.001-08:00

This here? It's a gourd that looks like a duck. It's a duck gourd.
This is the Awe-Inspiring Wall o' Gourds, Suffused with the Pink Light of My Dying Camera (C'mon, I felt your pulse quicken there...Awe-inspiring, right? Wall O' Gourds...let it roll off your tongue...)
Windowboxes...uh, featuring gourds. I might have a little "gourd issue," come to think of it.
Beauty Berry! See, the great thing about beauty berry is...it's beautiful, it has berries.
This is the best post ever. Stay tuned for more gourds! I swear I have ones that look like Flash Gourdon, Gourdon Lightfoot, and Gourdon Jump.

Happy Halloween!

2009-10-31T10:45:00.001-07:00

Check out this blog: Dave Pimentel's Blog ("Drawings From A Mexican"). I love how Dave draws.

Have fun! Hope you get all the best candy.

Lily Day!

2009-10-28T18:09:00.000-07:00

And, here's Lily herself with some timely commentary:

You Make Me Feel Like A Natural Person?

2009-10-28T09:02:00.000-07:00

Dear New Hampshire Legislators,

At this time, I would like to query you concerning section 266:1, Inspection Authorized, of TITLE XXI MOTOR VEHICLES, CHAPTER 266 EQUIPMENT OF VEHICLES.

266:1 Inspection Authorized. –
I. The director may require the inspection of any vehicle, except an OHRV, snowmobile, moped, or any other vehicle exempted under this chapter, to determine whether it is fit to be driven. Such inspection shall be made at such times and in such manner as the director may specify, subject to the requirements set forth in this section.
II. Any vehicle registered under this title, except an OHRV, snowmobile, moped, or other exempt vehicle, shall be inspected once a year, during the month in which the birth date of the owner is observed, if the owner is a natural person.

My mind runs wild with possibilities. Please explain yourself!

Love,
Sparkle

Survival Scenario Sunday (brought to you by Dinosaur Casserole, the Survive Anything! People)

2009-10-25T09:49:00.000-07:00

It's Sunday. You're slumped on the couch in your jammies, drinking coffee and doing vital work. Perhaps it is vital work for the United States government. Perhaps it is vital work that focuses on harvesting your raspberries and petting a few goats who look cuddle-starved in Facebook's Farmville. Really, does it matter what you're doing? It's key, life-saving work and you're doing it slumped on your couch as you drink coffee and cram a couple of leftover brownie fragments in your piehole. Brain food for vital job-doing worker people.

You happen to glance up. You freeze like a dik dik being stalked by a lion. Two well-dressed women have exited a late model sedan and are slowwwwwly walking down your driveway, arms loaded with what you can tell are bibles, bible accessories, bible study sign-up forms on clipboards, and...

YES! Many, many copies of the Jehovah's Witness publication The Watchtower.

SURVIVAL SCENARIO QUIZ: FAST! What do you do? You are crouched down in frozen dik dik mode, the well-dressed ladies are getting closer, closer, closer...What DO you do?

1) You greet them at the door and say in a calm, pleasant, adult manner: "Good morning, ladies! What a beautiful day. I'm sorry, I do not share your religious beliefs. However, I like to keep an open mind and I will be glad to take a look at any materials you would like to leave with me. If you'll excuse me now, I have to go milk a pretend goat." (25 points: This is pretty good. Wait. Are you still wearing your pyjamas? 'cause that's a little weird. 15.5 points if you're still in the jammies. Either way: Solid survival strategy. Classy.)
2) Flee out the back door and down into the woods, making the characteristic "Dik dik! Dik dik!" noise of your kind. (10 points: Dinosaur Casserole rewards cowardice. This is an okay survival choice, but how long can you stay in the woods? At best, this is a survival stop-gap.)
3) Greet them at the door naked, wearing only a big smile. Invite them in for coffee. (0 points: They will probably come in and THEN where will you be...cold, naked, and far from your vital farmwork goals. Poor survival choice.)
4) Greet them at the door in a long black velveteen robe, arms filled with pagan literature. Invite them to a free pagan study group. (0-75 points: Dinosaur Casserole cannot imagine having the cojones to do this, but if someone did...possibly 75 points.)
5) Run to the bedroom, pull on your jeans, and greet them on the front doorstep in your jammy top and jeans. (.675 points: This is not an effective survival strategy. Yet, you are awarded points because you are doomed to choose #5. Your grandmother regularly welcomed visits from Jehovah's Witnesses because she saw it as a great opportunity to try to convert them to Methodism and always said "Those Jehovah ladies seem so lonely, bless their hearts..." after a visit.)

They're nice. They always are. You're polite. You always are. On tiptoe, after you've exchanged all pleasantries and are ready to grab The Watchtower and head on back to complete your vital couch-based work, you lean towards the door beaming your goodbye. But, they ask you a question.
JWs: "We're asking everybody today, how do you deal with family problems? What is YOUR secret of family success?"
Dik Dik: "Well, I guess my secret of success is that I don't have any family problems."
JWs' faces fall.
Dik Dik: "Well, humor. I guess if I had any family problems I would deal with them...with humor."
JW1: "That's a GREAT answer! It SHOULD be one of the secrets of family success in this publication."
Dik Dik The Editor (well, why isn't it? Weave together Secret 1: The Right Priorities with Secret 7: A Firm Foundation--there are bound to be redundancies in those two--and make Humor the new Secret 7): "Okey-dokey!"
JW2: "Let me show you a scripture that is all about humor."
Dik Dik: "All righty!"

Survival Scenario Sunday Lesson Learned: That scripture was NOT about humor.
Survival Scenario Sunday Discussion Questions:
1) Are my fake raspberries ready to harvest yet?
2) If my fake goats had family problems, what would their Secrets of Family Success be?
3) Have any Jehovah's Witnesses ever been converted by elderly ladies of another faith?

Have a great Sunday, and here at Dinosaur Casserole we want you to go out there and Survive Anything! today.

In job interviews, I always say I'm a "people person..."

2009-10-22T14:43:00.001-07:00

...and this is what I mean:With a tip o' the hat to PLASTIC PUMPKINS AND MAX THE DRUNKEN SEVERED HEAD--I LOVE YOU LADS, ESPECIALLY DURING YOUR ANNUAL HALLOWE'EN COUNTDOWN...

(Stay tuned for piping hot fresh new posts drenched with melted butter and visits from creatures previously assumed to be extinct--much like this blog!)

Hello! Look at Me! I Am Not A Slacker! I Am An Industrious Blogger!

2009-10-22T14:33:00.001-07:00

By the Blogger Treaty of 2006, this counts as a new post.

P.S. It is no longer my birthday.
P.P.S. If you're out there, new post coming soon.

IT IS MY BIRTHDAY TODAY

2009-09-21T11:44:00.000-07:00

...and I am shamelessly promoting this fact. Everywhere. In fact, you might want to watch the sky; an airplane with a banner proclaiming that it is my birthday will be flying over the entire U.S. and parts of Canada soon.

A Salient Sum-Up of The Facts As We Know Them:
1) It is my birthday.
2) I am older than I was yesterday.
3) I have a vicious case of poison ivy that closely resembles acne and an interesting cold/flu.
4) It is my birthday.

Sometime soon, I'll have something interesting and dinosaur-related up--or, you know, something esoteric and head-scratchy or laugh-out-loud funny. We'll see.

Until then: IT IS MY BIRTHDAY TODAY. CATCH MY BIRTHDAY FEVAH and do somethin' nice for yourself today (and don't get poison ivy).

Sincerely

The Party Pooper

2009-09-02T11:27:00.001-07:00

You will notice several things about "The Party Pooper."
1) I end this story in an unusual way. I still end all documents in this way, and I pretend that it is correct.
2) I had a very hard time drawing lines. I am not sure why we couldn't use lined paper, but we couldn't.
3) I was an ambitious writer vocabulary-wise, and if I was not sure how to spell a word I made it up. FYI: This is a good way to go. If you spell a word incorrectly, simply insist that you are correct. Because you say so.
4) I think you will find that this story has it all: intrigue...drama...seething rage, and, of course, Heather Dumbbell.

A Bouquet of Glads (Gladys, that is)

2009-08-26T06:01:00.000-07:00

In tribute to the fine post of Clinky, Boy Robot (originator of Chupacabra week), here is a bouquet of Gladys(es).

In the early days of the silver screen, New York, Hollywood, and London had quite a few actresses with the name Gladys. I'm picking: Gladys Blake, Hard-Working Actress Who is Little Known Yet Played 107 Small Roles in Movies including more than 30 roles as secretaries/telephone operators and assorted appearances as Drunk Woman in Tank, Brooklyn Girl on Subway--at least twice, Sidekick, Girl in Garter Gag, "Babe," and Dice-Game Operator--Here's To You, Gladys Blake!

Gladys the Groovy Mule! Elvis Presley's mother, Gladys Love Smith, Vernon, and Elvis (sorry to cut you off, Vernon...)Baby Gladys (don't ask me...it's just Baby Gladys, clearly a tough customer)
Gladys O'Donnell ("In 1929, Gladys O'Donnell was the only licensed woman pilot in Long Beach, California. With just 40 hours of solo flying time, she heedlessly entered the first Women's Air Derby ever held and won second place. The following year she entered again and won first place." Go, Gladys!!! She also has an awesome pink face in this picture--due to the photo tinting process of the time.)
Gladys Zender! Miss Universe (1957) Was the first latina Miss Universe and was from Peru
Gladys Bentley (sang and played the piano, featured in Harlem nightclubs, wore a tuxedo and top hat, married a white woman from New Jersey, was known as "The Bulldagger of the Blues")
Gladys Reeves, Professional Photographer

Marilyn Monroe's Mother, Gladys Baker
And, many many more. I've discovered that there is a fascinating world of Gladys(es) out there. Can you find any interesting ones? Also, there appears to be a new magazine named "Gladys," launched this month. I can't tell if it's an all-around women's magazine or targeted to the pageant industry...

Have a Great Day!

Pictures

2009-08-20T08:44:00.000-07:00

Last year, the birds ate most of the raspberries on the bush in the side yard. This year, I got all the birds together (harder than you would think, they're all "There's a worm over there!" and "I gotta go chase a blue jay!" and "I think I'll fly into that window and get dazed!") and told them: "Look, have at the raspberries. I mean, pick the bush clean like you did last year. I don't have time to foil you; I don't have time to pick 'em; I don't have time to eat 'em." They responded by ignoring the bush. Here, have a berry:
I suspect my camera is dying. But, let me tell you: as it does so, it is taking some very intriguing photographs.

Here's the "Guacamole Hosta." The deer dig it, the slugs dig it, but it's holding its own and flowering impressively now (and every time I say "guacamole hosta" I feel like I should be putting out some chips and salsa with it).
Here's the "Guacamole Hosta" after my camera has its way with it (I like to call this "texture-y"):
Here's a basic picture of hangin' plants...a little rosy looking, but maybe it's the light?
Ooh, maybe it's not the light after all?
Ten dollars to whoever can pretend this picture is modern art and come up with the best interpretation of it. Or, if you're not into that, have another berry and relax.

Classic Stooges Wednesday

2009-08-05T07:55:00.000-07:00

Elderly People Say the Darndest Things!

2009-07-23T10:21:00.001-07:00

My Aunt (by marriage): "So, it gets me so mad when I think about what she did."
Me: "Yep, it's kind of amazing. Do you think she's actually very smart?"
My Aunt: "Hmm, welllll."
Me: "Hmm..."
My Aunt: "Well, I think she's crafty.
Me: "Crafty?"
My Aunt: "Yes, in fact the more I think about it, the more I think she might be part indian. Because she's crafty."
Me to Myself: Uh-oh.
Me: "Crafty?"
My Aunt: "Yep. Crafty."
Me: "So, you remember that I've got some indian blood*, right? I must say that I show no signs of being particularly crafty. And I'm kinda old to learn new tricks."
My Aunt: "Yes! I know you've got indian blood. So do I!"
Me: "Well, that's great. I didn't know that. So, you're crafty?"
My Aunt: "Yes, I'm very crafty!"
Me: "Huh. I don't think that all people with indian blood are crafty."
My Aunt: "Well, maybe not. I just know that I am."

*This sounds like I'm a vampire and keep little Skippy peanut butter jars of blood around. I do not.

Gas Man! Gas Man! Gaaaaas Man!

2009-07-16T08:33:00.001-07:00

Dear FerrellGasTM,

I know that I have an especially juvenile mind. Granted. But, do you know that having a superhero who looks like he is cutting the cheese (Gas Man) as your corporate mascot is just dang funny?

No? It's just me? Okay. I accept that. But, let others judge for themselves.

Have a Super Great Gassy Day!

Love,
Sparkle

Dinosaur Dribs 'n Drabs

2009-06-02T14:40:00.000-07:00

Real Photo from 1964-1965 World's Fair in New York City (just seems like something from "Zany Afternoons" by Bruce McCall --if you click on this link you'll get to an interesting talk by him)!

"The lifelike (and life-size) dinosaurs attracted more crowds of children. New Yorkers all remembered the day the dinosaurs came down the river. The huge models had been made in upstate New York. They were so large that the only way to get them to the fair was to float them on barges down the Hudson River. Thousands of people were caught in the traffic jam on the highway beside the river the day the monsters were moved downstream..." Another Actual Photo, This Time of...sigh...dinosaur being dismantled at 1964 New York World's Fair...
"But He Probably Did!" an arresting coloring book picture in tribute to Coloring Book King Steven A. at Plastic Pumpkins! (Actually, I think an artisty someone did this--not sure who, 'though. And, it might have been around for awhile. sigh. I'm always the last one to find stuff.)

Sparkle Spielberg Presents...

2009-05-29T05:56:00.000-07:00

*The role of the Migratory Transient is played by Susan of ArtSpark Theatre's decorated stick. THANK YOU, SUSAN!
**Lily's doin' okay--goin' back to the vet today. Hopefully after then I can give her the elizabethan collar to chew up.
***Have a wonderful weekend!

Ch-Ch-Ch-Chinterrupted

2009-05-22T07:25:00.000-07:00

I had such bold plans for chia week. I had the photos of the chia house, the chia car, and the dude from Oregon wearing his chia codpiece. I was gonna put up a clip of the old Chiammercial from Youtube...I was going to post exciting new videos made with my new FlipTM camera--a chia-related video, a this and that video--and all this la la la. Instead, my poor puppy had a major health mishap. She's much better now and on the mend, but it has been a bad time. (Plus: I kept finding her staring at me and looking like an angry little pioneer woman in a sunbonnet. Or a woeful little pioneer woman in a sunbonnet. Neither was good.) I figure maybe I'll put the thing on that she has to wear (doesn't come off til next week)--the "Elizabethan Collar"TM--after she's all better to make her feel like she was a trendsetter.
Anyhoo, thanks for all of the great comments on the chia post, and a big thanks and shoutout to Dr. Margaret Conover for providing the link to her site. Not that yer all hangin' out there waitin' for my words but I'll be responding to the comments anon.

Have a great weekend!

Ch-ch-ch-ch-CHIA

2009-05-18T07:10:00.000-07:00

I like to read articles about "superfoods." Whether I actually eat said superfoods is an entirely different matter. But, I figure if I read up on 'em I'll be that much closer to actually eating them. All that super knowledge will lurk deep in the shadowy back alleys of my mind, and who knows, I might be drawn to glom onto a superfood by accident when I'm reaching for a CheetoTM. Plus, eating superfoods is likely to be my only route to superherodom.

With this sincere, if cockamamie, objective in mind I read through yet another superfood article this weekend. Every day, a new list of top 10 overlooked superfoods pops up and nudges the previous list of top 10 overlooked superfoods out of the way. Basically, this list had everything my grandmother used to eat plus a few very dark horses. So, there were dandelion greens (check, many a dandelion green I dug out of the lawn and ate at the dinner table), dried plums (they're PRUNES, baby, PRUNES--don't mess with me), beets (starring in red flannel hash, featured in Wednesday night supper with macaroni and cheese and applesauce), and a whole bunch of stuff, and then...then there was...

CH-CH-CH-CH-IA
Okay, okay, okay. There was actually this:
CH-CH-CH-CH-IA
And, of course, this (doesn't that chiabunny look wrathful--it kinda scares me):
Chia seeds are a "superfood." WTF! Chia seeds are a "superfood." What's next, library paste is a superfood? Sea monkeys are a superfood? Yet, there it is in black and white: They're good for diabetics, they're good for heart patients. They have more antioxidants than blueberries. They have more Omega-3 fatty acids (a good thing, I assure you) than flax seeds--which I've been intending to start eating some day, but why bother? The mighty chia out-omegas them.

The obvious questions:

1) HOW DID THEY FIND THIS OUT? Was a hungry lab tech sitting sadly in his lab one night waiting for the overdue Domino's guy, gazing into his microscope, idly stroking his chia pet (not a euphemism), when he suddenly got an urge to TEST his chia pet's nutritional VALUE? Or, he just started grazing on handfuls of chia?*

2) WHERE DO I BUY CHIA SEEDS? Am I going to have to go to a discount store and buy 45chia pets to secure my MDR of the vital nutrients provided by the magical chia? 'cause I'll do it. Yes, I will--if it gets me any closer to superherodom, I'm there.*

Bottom line: It's Chiasaur Casserole this week and official Chia Week. At my snail-like blog productivity rate, this likely means one more chia-related post. Yet: Emperor Chia Seed, I salute you! Even as I wonder if I will grow fine, green hair all over my body if I eat you, I salute you!

(*Actually, chia is the "forgotten crop of the Aztecs" and is commonly eaten in Mexico and South America. It has a fascinating history that you can learn more about through the supersearchengine the google. And, of course, you can buy it online--as well as at health food stores, I betcha. Cake: Zzt...it's gluten-free.)

Rhubarb! Pie!

2009-05-14T07:51:00.000-07:00

Mutual of Omaha Wild Animal Kingdom Tuesday!

2009-05-12T09:38:00.000-07:00

Snack Time!

Fine Feathered Friends!
Two Cool Birds!

Two Cool Birds!

Four Cool Birds!

"So, my motto used to be live fast, die young, make a good-looking fossil, but I'm rethinking it."

Flea Circus Friday and Times Square Triviana

2009-05-08T09:40:00.000-07:00

Here's a Flea Circus poster, 'cause I know you're itchin' to see it! (Flea Circuses= Landlocked Sea Monkeys!)And, here's a book I read over the past couple of days that I found to be darn entertaining. You might like it, but please don't sue me if you don't:One tiny bit of trivia that I learned from the book and that doesn't have anything to do with its story: Photographer Diane Arbus was married to the guy who played Sidney Freedman on MASH. Just one of those tiny facts one files away in case one finds oneself in a conversation that is at a dead lull. (It probably won't help such a situation because the other person will likely either say, "Who?" So what?" or "No duh," but, y'know, just in case...)

Behold a related video, just to take advantage of the miracle of the YouTube!

Learn more on the Web site for the book!

Have a swell weekend!

Quirky Friday

2009-05-01T09:09:00.000-07:00

Quirky 1: May Breakfast!
"May Breakfast" has been a tradition in Rhode Island for 142 years--it's the only state that has 'em! According to my favorite Rhode Island Web site, Quahog.org (check out the Cuisine section especially--there are a lot of foods that are unique to Rhode Island), this is what was served at the first May Breakfast in 1867: "Aunt Hannah Babcock's clamcakes (it was nice of her to share them), biscuits by organizer Ruby King Wilbur, cold boiled ham, cold chicken, cold mashed turnips, and homemade jellies and pies."

Apparently, over the years folks have ditched the cold mashed turnips (that seems like a very good idea to me), but May Breakfasts continue on...You missed a bunch this morning, tomorrow you can choose from at least 11 of 'em, and they continue on throughout the month of May.

Here's what you'll get at a lot of 'em: eggs, ham, cornbread, clam cakes, homemade pies, hash browns, pancakes, blueberry pancakes, bacon, sausages, English muffins, Danish pastry, cereal, assorted muffins, baked beans, strawberries, fruit cups, french toast, doughnuts, juice, coffee, tea. That should tide you over to mid-morning snack time.

Quirky 2: What is this?
That's right! It's this...There was really no reason to take these pictures--it just caught my eye.
Have a great weekend!

Bobby Oak is a Cuckoo Clock!

2009-04-26T09:43:00.000-07:00

There's this older man who, for the last couple of years has driven by me and warned me of various things. Constantly. He is the Warning Older Man of Doom. Examples:

1) I am walking Lily along the street. I hear a car slow beside me. It is the older man, and he says "You HAVE to be CAREFUL on THIS road." I nod solemnly, smile appreciatively, he drives away, I keep walking. This has happened 12 times.
2) I am walking Lily in the woods near the farm. We meet the older man driving along the road that winds through the farm. He rolls down his window and says "You HAVE to be CAREFUL in THESE woods. I come here to watch the coyotes." I nod solemnly, smile appreciatively, he drives away, I keep walking...rapidly. This has happened twice. When I ask the farmer about the coyotes, he says, "What coyotes?"
3) I am shoveling snow. I hear a car slow beside me. It is the older man, and he says "You HAVE to be CAREFUL shoveling snow. People DIE from that." I nod solemnly, smile appreciatively, he drives away. I keep shoveling snow. This has happened once.

Frankly, he spooks me a little but I've gotten used to our little warning/nodding routine over time.

Anyway, last week, I was walking Lily and my mind was full of this report I was writing. I'd been up since 3:00 a.m. and I was composing stuff in my head as I walked (it wasn't good stuff, I was having a hard time writing the report). I heard a car slow beside me. It was the older man and for the 13th time he said, "You HAVE to be CAREFUL on THIS road," and this time he parked his car in the middle of the road and waited for an answer.

My head was full of the report. I rallied. "Yes!" I cried, "Everybody drives very fast on this road!" And that's about all I had to say. Except he wasn't done. "Everybody except ME," he replied. And, he waited for my answer. Parked in the middle of the road that everybody drives very fast on (except him). Waiting.

Quickly, I struggled for something else to say...something complimentary. "Good for you!" "Thank you for that!" "I sure do appreciate that!" and "Bless your heart!" (for some reason) all flitted through my mind along with the first few lines of the report that I'd been trying to work through.

So, let's recap the convo and see what actually came out of my mouth.

Warning Older Man of Doom: "You HAVE to be CAREFUL on THIS road."
Me: "Yes! Everybody drives very fast on this road!"
Warning Older Man of Doom: "Everybody except ME."
Me: "That's because we love you!"

Yes: Which makes no sense no matter how you dice it. I had a full-on Tourette's Syndrome moment. And the older man nodded knowingly and drove off.* I really wish he had stayed parked there in the middle of the road for just a couple more super-dangerous seconds so I could have had a chance to edit my blurt-out. Instead, he peeled off and I was left muttering, "That is to say...I mean, I mean, I mean..."

I was very embarrassed. My tongue gets tied like that every once in awhile when I'm thinking deeply about something else. I tried to think of a couple of silver linings like, "Maybe he's deaf!" and "Maybe he didn't hear me!" and "Oh, good. Now he won't warn me about stuff, he'll warn people about me--the girl with strange syntax who has declared her love for him!"

Once again, my elderly neighbor next door has solved the problem for me, however. I was talking to him this weekend. I found myself blurting out, "Who the heck is that guy in the big white vehicle who I see on the road all the time? He keeps warning me about stuff. What's that all about?"

He looked up at me, nodded slowly, and said: "That's Bobby Oak. Bobby Oak is a cuckoo clock.*"

I peppered him with follow-up questions, "How? How is Bobby Oak a cuckoo clock! C'mon! Tell me!" But, all he would do is say that Bobby Oak is a cuckoo clock.

So, all is cool. Bobby Oak is a cuckoo clock. This cancels out the embarrassment of my Tourette's moment. And, for the record, my neighbor categorizes people in the following way: a son of a bitch (male), a sketch (male), a hot shit (male), a hot ticket (female). "Cuckoo clock" was a new one and it's not good. You don't want to be called a cuckoo clock by my elderly neighbor. He is not a demonstrative man, but he made a slightly disapproving squinchy face when he said it. Not good.

*As he drove away, I noticed a hook-hand attached to the passenger side door.

Saturday Matinee!

2009-04-25T07:22:00.000-07:00

Why It's Good and Bad to Have an Editor Accompany You to the Hospital!

2009-04-17T08:19:00.001-07:00

1) While you wait in pre-op for three hours, the editor will keep you entertained by rewording the pain scale and asking questions like, "Why is the little blue face smiling if it is annoyed? Does it enjoy mild pain? What kind of a freak is that little blue face?" and "How hard can it be to fit the word 'objects' in with the word 'Sharp' up there? 'Place sharp horizontally' sounds like those poorly-translated directions on firecracker packages." The editor will also say, "I like the use of italics in 'Please tell us if you are having pain...' Sparingly used for emphasis, italics can be quite powerful." This will be fun, I promise.

2) As you awaken from surgery, the editor will ask you questions such as "Are you going to tell the nurse your pain is 'unbearable and excruciating'? Why not just cut to the chase and scream 'MORE MEDS NOW!'" or "Don't you think they should add another smiley face to the chart? I think they need a really drugged-out, groovy-looking smiley face drawn with wavy lines. That's kinda how you look right now. Here, eat this graham cracker. I'm going to go tell the nurse that they need to add a wasted-looking smiley face to the chart. Be right back." This, too, will be fun.

Have a great weekend, and I hope your Friday is smooth and warrants the "No Pain" smiley face on the Wong/Baker Faces Rating Scale.

Clinky, Boy Robot in...BRED OF RISK!

2009-04-09T11:18:00.000-07:00

What nefarious menace could the Boy Robot be battling in "Detroit"? WHAT? WHAT COULD IT BE? (hem hem hem...sorry, I just gave myself a sore throat with my shouting...hem...hem hem...okay, let's proceed)

Attacked by giant, flying red hands and 20 cents, Clinky fights back as best he can, armed only with some funky red boots, a blue sweater vest, a sword with a hamburger impaled on the end of it, and the mighty power of the anagram...

Clinky: "Hello, giant red hands and 20 cents! Are you, by any chance, familiar with the work of Kansas City, Missouri weatherman and 'Bowling for Dollars' host Fred Broski?"

Giant Red Hands and 20 Cents: "Swoopy! Swoopy! Menace!"

Clinky: "You could have just said 'No,' you know. You see, 'Bred of Risk' is an anagram for 'Fred Broski,' as is 'Orb Frisked.' Now that you know, can you do one?"

Giant Red Hands and 20 Cents: Silence.

Clinky: "Do you need a few more minutes?"

Giant Red Hands and 20 Cents: "NO! WE'VE ALMOST GOT ONE! ONE THAT IS MIGHTIER THAN YOURS! WE'VE JUST GOTTA DO SOMETHING. WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK."

Clinky: "Okay."

Giant Red Hands and 20 Cents (swooping back down): "FRED BROSKI!"

Clinky: "No. Sorry. No dice."

Giant Red Hands and 20 Cents (retreating in confusion and howling in pain): "AIIIIIIIEEEEEE!"

The End. Or...IS IT? Might there not be an even more formidable foe right around the corner?

Ask Pop Mechs! He Has the Answers to All Your Questions!

2009-04-03T05:54:00.000-07:00

Dear Pop Mechs,
My fiance and I love to go to the beach. We find that it is very peaceful to commune with nature and listen to the soothing, gentle crash of the waves upon the shore. We like to look for shells, but we have a very hard time finding whole sand dollars and conch shells. Do you have any tips for us? Thanks so much for your help!
Love, Katie Sue from Kalamazoo

Dear Zoo Gal,
An estimated $30,000,000,000,000 in gold beneath the sea awaits anyone who will take it. Not pirate treasure, but tiny particles of the yellow metal held in suspension in the water. This represents about $15,000 apiece for every man, woman, and child in the entire world.
All set? You bet! Thanks for stoppin' by!
Pops

Dear Pop Mechs,
Who's Zoo Gal? Are you talking to me? Either way, forget the freakin' sand dollars. How do I get me some of this gold? Can I use a sieve and my little sand pail and shovel? Do I need to rent some special drilling equipment? Because I'll do that, I'll put on a hard hat and mine that baby for all she's worth.
I'll Call Myself Zoo Gal And Dress Up Like A Kangaroo If You Tell Me How to Get that Gold

Dear Zoo Gal,
It would cost more to extract this gold than it is worth at the present market value. And besides, the ocean holds even greater wealth in animal, vegetable, and mineral resources that can be used advantageously by man.
All set? You bet! Thanks for stoppin' by!
Pops

Dear Pop Mechs,
What are you, some kind of sadist? First you tell me there's gold, then you say I can't get the gold, then you draw my attention to the "greater wealth in animal, vegetable, and mineral resources"? And, you said "And besides..." in a very condescending way. Look, I fought hard to get off the farm, mister. I want nothing to do with animal, vegetable, and mineral resources. Give me something I can use here.
Kate

Dear Zoo Gal,
Seaweeds are used in many ways: (A) Young specimens of the California giant kelp are a source of acetone and potash. (B) Purple laver is used in soups and eaten raw. (C) California agarweed is used as the basis for microbiological culture media. (D) Irish moss from Massachusetts, which produces carrageenin, is used in candy, jellies, and salad dressing. (E) East Coast broadleaf kelp produces algin used in ice cream, cake icings, and dental impressions.
All set? You bet! Thanks for stoppin' by!
Pops

Dear Pops,
Swell. Thanks very much. I can now no longer bear the thought of eating my favorite foods: candy, jellies, ice cream, cake icings, and salad dressings. Thanks. Yes, indeedy. Thanks. You are an annoying old man. Just forget I asked you my shell question, okay? Let's just nip this in the bud.
K.S.

Dear Zoo Gal,
The practical aspects of oceanographic research--together with the natural curiosity of man--should insure the continuation and expansion of the investigations of this last great unexplored frontier. Maybe science will even find a way to get that $30,000,000,000,000 in gold some day! All set? You bet! Thanks for stoppin' by!
Pops

Good Health and Good Livin'...The Rawleigh Way!

2009-03-31T06:50:00.000-07:00

With Rawleigh's oh-so-easy good health tips, recipes, and patented medicines, you, too, can...

...turn your little brother into a calf...bwah ha bwah HA HA HA HA HA! (So there. Serves him right for putting your little hat on a piglet. Who's laughin' now, laughin' boy? If he's good, maybe you'll show him off at the 4-H Fair. If not, whatever.)
...be a geezer, or just look like a geezer!
...bake delicious treats with somethin' pale green that a scary guy concocted in his la-bor-a-tor-y....file a sweet lawsuit when some weird guy with a white moustache who drank too much Rawleigh'sTM Perk-Me-Up elixir sneaks up behind you and goes "DOOT!" to your neck because he thinks it's hi-frickin-larious. ...watch in amusement as your little brother's neck disappears and he simultaneously turns into the guy from "The Tin Drum." Decide not to eat the soup he just ate.
...have your next door neighbor come over after borrowing your riding lawn mower all half-naked and blubbering and stinkin' of Rawleigh'sTM Vibrant-SO! elixir and really embarrassing to you (you're wearing your cape--it's cape day, a day when formalities should be observed and you shouldn't have to deal with this debased sniveling) and he's like, "Dude...I drank the Vibrant-SO! and next thing I knew I thought it would be funny to drive your mower on that freshly-tarred street and it's stuck..." as you hold him at bay and fight the urge to thrash him with your cape.
...wake up one mornin' after tipplin' a little soothing Rawleigh'sTM Relaxo Syrup and find yourself wearing a sun bonnet and reading a letter from Aunt Peg. "Who's Aunt Peg?" you wonder softly.
...make your children go to work so you can have a little more quality "me time" with your Rawleigh'sTM Relaxo Syrup.
...have plenty o' pep to bonk some sketchy guy with a monocle and white moustache over the head with your Junior Scientist microscope.
...get to live at one with nature, under a tree, because your husband spent all of your life savings on Rawleigh'sTM "Oomph-it-Up" and he continues to cheerily maintain that "We'll be okay as long as we have our health and this one, good melon, by golly." Your remaining barrel of Relaxo Syrup makes this almost seem possible.
...one day, after you eat your Rawleigh'sTM Teeny Tot Oateenies, find that you can understand what chickens are saying and that they're really, really funny and that you'll just stay under this wagon forever chatting with your chickens! ...end up with one really short arm and one long, loopy-looking arm and not particularly care because you've got the world's supply of Rawleigh'sTM hard candy.
Have a Great Rawleigh'sTM Tuesday!

(Note: Rawleigh has been around for a very, very, very long time and they continue to sell spices, liquid vitamins, and natural supplements. Go Rawleigh! You can read their history and view their current product line on the Internets: http://www.rawleigh.net/.)

Ladies and Gentlemen...

2009-03-27T07:39:00.000-07:00

Easter is coming. Please: Don't do this to your children. No Easter hats that look like birthday cakes/lamps. It will scar them. Forever. *
*This advisory is a repeat. Happy Rerun Friday!

It's Banacek, Baby! BANACEK!

2009-03-18T10:24:00.000-07:00

He's kinda inscrutable!

Here are more Banacek Sayins'!

A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a Unicorn. (Sha-HA!)
"Read the whole library, my son, but the cheese will still smell after four days." (True dat!)
"Twelve good horses and silver candlesticks won't stop the snow from falling in Bialystock." (Okaaaaaaaay...)
"A wolf that takes a peasant to supper probably won't need any breakfast." (Yepper!)
"Even though a man anoint himself with fragrant oils, he can still end up with a broken face."(What kind of fragrant oils?)

And, my personal favorite:
"When an owl comes to a mouse picnic, it's not there for the sack races."

Obama Approval Rating "Plummets," "Skyrockets," then "Does a Dippy Do"

2009-03-17T06:47:00.001-07:00

PRINCETON, NJ--An exhausted Barack Obama's pledge to cure the nation’s ills by finding Leprechaun Gold has increased his public support to 67%, just two points below his term high. In an “off-mic” comment following a recent speech, the president muttered, “Look, gimme a break. I’ve been in office 57 days. Why don’t I just fix everything by hunting down a leprechaun, hitting him with ‘me shillaley,’ and stealing his treasure?” The resultant upswing in his popularity has been directly linked to the impending leprechaun hunt—quickly dubbed “Operation Endearing Lucky Charms” by pundits—and comes on the heels of a term-low 59% reported by Gallup.

Obama's promise appears to have won him support he had been losing in prior days, and then some. A whopping 9 out of 10 voters expressed their belief that Obama’s pledge was “magically delicious.” In Gallup’s phone survey, the majority of those interviewed had guidance to share with the president. John Atherton of Boise, Idaho stated, “I guess you could call me cautiously optimistic about this bold new plan. He just needs to be really careful and sneak up on the leprechaun. He should get some stealthy shoes—maybe Hush Puppies.” Katy O’Rourke of Sunapee, New Hampshire reflected, “I think that after all this time—I mean, it’s been over two months and everything isn’t all better—Obama is finally on the right track. But, I think he should also consider waving his magic wand and fixing everything. I think that would be good, too.”

The current approval rebound is due to increased support from all political groups, but especially from independents, Republicans, and the segment of the population that wears “Kiss Me, I’m Irish” t-shirts on March 17. Yet, another group of voters may feel differently.When asked to comment on Obama's pledge, Leprechaun-American community spokesman Jinxie O'Doublooney turned pale green and stammered, "But we only gots a wee bit o' pots o' gold left. Bernie O'Madoff got most o' our treasure and the rest hae been a'tankin' in our 401ks." While some do not believe the Leprechaun-Americans' claims of poverty, the community's outcry prompted the Obama camp to issue a statement that, "Operation Lucky Charms was an ill-advised joke made by Vice-President Joe Biden and in no way expresses any intentions on the part of the President to seize the Leprechaun-American community's assets." As this story was filed, Gallup was in the process of recalculating Obama's approval rating. A spokesman for Gallup stated, "I dunno. The approval rating is maybe 62%? 61.5%? We're in the middle of debating whether we can officially say it is plummeting. Right now it looks like it's doing a Dippy Do."

WildviewTM Cam Stake-Out '09!

2009-03-13T07:53:00.000-07:00

Last week, the elderly fellow next door and I had a stake-out of his back yard. He's seen up to five deer feeding there at once over the last couple of weeks--he puts out corn.

First: This is why I like elderly people--well, one of many reasons why I like elderly people. They never ask you, "So, what do you do?" Instead, they say, "Ask me what I did in 1948!" And, you say: "What did you do in 1948?" And then they tell you--sometimes for 15 minutes, sometimes for 45 minutes. I love it. I always want to hear what someone did in 1948, and I hate talking about myself and that kind of chit-chat. Even if they decide to ask a younger person a question, they often don't care much about the answer. They look away with a faraway smile, nodding as you blather out some mambojambo, and then they say, "Ask me what I did in 1954!"

Anyway: Here are the photos from our stake-out. Enjoy! And: Have a great weekend!

A Devilishly Wild Google Ride: Korea to Memory Lane to Venezuela to ???

2009-03-11T05:51:00.000-07:00

(Note: If you don't want to read all the way through this, scroll down to the end of the post and click on the last link. I think it will be worth your while, but I'm not givin' your money back if it's not!)

The Google Ride Launchpad: Korea
Last night, I was visiting my elderly neighbor and he said the following: "They told me I was going to go to the devil. So, I looked them in the eye and I said, 'I met the devil, in Korea, and let me tell you that I'm on a first name basis with him and he ain't all he's cracked up to be.'"

The Side Trip to Memory Lane
Whoa! I only wish that I could use that line. As I definitely won't be able to, I thought about this thing my grandmother used to say: "And the devil take the hindermost!" I always figured it meant something like "I'm doing this, and I don't care what anyone else thinks!" But, I googled it to see what was doin'.

The First Google
Pretty quickly, I found out that "And the devil take the hindermost!" confuses English language learners. Here's a question in a forum that kinda made me laugh: "Hello, I am reading a horoscope book which is about Aries. Then I came across the sentence as below. 'One can't help being reminded of a certain impulsive ram, Nikita Krushchev, who once banged his hoe in a fit of childish temper, on a table at the United Nations, in full view of a television audience, and the devil-take-the-hindermost.' I have no clue what the devil-take-the-hindermost. My dictionary does not help me at all. Will someone help me, please?"

First: I'm pretty sure Kruschev banged his shoe, but somehow it's better to think of him banging his hoe. Second, I sort of wish the English language learner was reading a different book--this one is bound to be old and include words like "hepcat." Anyhoo: The definition is: "without caring for the consequences" which is close enough to "And I don't care what anyone else thinks!"

The Second Google
Something about "the devil" and "hindermost" made me think about Underwood Devil Spread. Oh...yeahhhhhh. I used to eat this stuff--possibly just because there was a little cartoon guy on the label. And I thought, "I wanna see the little cartoon guy...I wanna see him NOW!" so I did a google image search. And...No! This guy didn't look right! His little arms are outstretched! (Something that also ain't right: Doing what this ad suggests and making a sandwich with Underwood Deviled HamTM and shredded pineapple.)

Blargh! No! His arms are stretched out again--he's looking like Ethel Merman...Also: "Taste the taste" is a pretty lame slogan, as is this little rhyme I found in a quick side search: "Only one good devil in the world. Its the devil on a can and the can is a can of Underwood Deviled Ham." Insufficiently catchy. Let's move on.
Okay, the slogan is a little more imaginative here: "It is branded with the devil, but fit for the gods." But, I'm not sure I would have ever eaten a deviled ham sandwich if I saw this picture of this GUY in a can of the stuff--with what appears to be a disgruntled onlooker pig.Then, hold the presses, THIS came up! I had to track this down to the source...
...which turned out to be the General Mills Web site--specifically the marketing department in Venezuela. Apparently, "Diablitos Underwood deviled ham–found in nine of 10 Venezuelan homes–is just one of many brands that contribute to the success of General Mills Venezuela...Many Venezuelan children enjoy a breakfast of Diablitos Underwood deviled ham with arepas, a bread made of precooked corn flour. This high-quality, traditional product maintains a leading share of the country's meat spreads market."

Who knew? And, here's something I suspect that General Mills does not know.

After I read about Venezuala, I decided to check out what they sell in other countries. And, I found somethin' kinda funny. PLEASE click on this link for General Mills Latin America and then click on Argentina. You'll be glad you did. There's a nauuuughty monkey out there somewhere--at General Mills? In Argentina? Whatever. This bit of deviltry made for a nice end of the google ride.

Happy Wednesday!

Rockin' Tuesday!

2009-03-10T06:09:00.000-07:00

Clinky has this great picture of "nun-chucks." And, when I saw that grim look on the nun's face it reminded me of a song by this Boston band--The Dogmatics--"Sister Serena" ("there ain't nobody meanah than Sistah Serena...").

Here The Dogmatics are: at Dick Dale's Beachcomber, in Boston a few years earlier, and in DC a few years earlier--just because I can do this through the modern miracle known as the Youtube! Last but not least: I'm including Dick Dale performing at...Dick Dale's Beachcomber and Dick Dale a few years earlier (you MUST watch this clip...you will find yourself getting cooler by the moment and doing a weird little hip-snap dance like the blonde in the video).

Dinosaur Casserole salutes the righteous rockin' of The Dogmatics and Dick Dale!

Enjoy! And: Happy Rockin' Tuesday!

The Dogmatics Continue to Kick Ass at Dick Dale's Beachcomber: First Song is Sister Serena...

The Dogmatics Wouldn't Live on Thayer Street...A Few Years Ago

A Couple of Generations of Dogmatics Wouldn't Live on Thayer Street...Today

The Dogmatics in DC A Few Years Ago

Dick Dale at...Dick Dale's Beachcomber

And: Dick Dale A Few Years Ago

Happy Bill Day!

2009-03-06T06:40:00.000-08:00

Howdy! Happy Friday to ya, and--most importantly--Happy Bill Day! No, no. Kee-RAP no! I don't mean those kinds of bills in the envelopes.

I've just got the itch to make my own holidays up after the Cake told us about International Women's Day.

I was feeling a little downcast--NOBODY sent me the memo about International Women's Day which, sadly, makes me believe that I'm only considered eligible to participate in Regional Women's Day, Rural Free Delivery (RFD) Women's Day, or perhaps most damningly, Burbgal Day--so I figured I'd make up my own holiday.

Today's holiday is Bill Day--in tribute to Bills everywhere. If you or someone you know (this sounds like a line from an ambulance-chasing lawyer commercial, doesn't it?) is a Bill, or if you've ever heard the name "Bill," go ahead and take the day off and party on down. Tell your boss "Sparkle Plenty" told you to do so and send any spoilsport boss letters of protest to Pop Mechs.

I'm celebratin':

Wedding Bell Blues! which slides in under the billdar due to the use of the name Bill (we'll consider it the official Bill Day anthem) and which I'm just including because I love this video, this song, and how awesome is Marilyn McCoo? C'mon! Awesome.

Bill Franzen, Bill Franzen, Bill Franzen, Bill Franzen, Bill Franzen!(Bill Franzen) and his book that NEVER should have ended up in the bargain bin where I bought it and that sells on Ebay for $1.00, which I hate because it's my favorite book: "Hearing from Wayne and Other Stories."*
Pooooor, Poor Dollar Bill!("one of the nicest and most straightforward men I have ever met"):
Bill Murray! (Whenever something goes wrong, I ask myself, "What would Bill Murray do?")
Billie Dawn! (Judy Holiday in "Born Yesterday")
(Harry Brock: "Shut up! You ain't gonna be tellin' nobody nothin' pretty soon!" Billie Dawn: "DOUBLE NEGATIVE! Right?" Paul Verrall: "Right.")
Billie Holiday!

Bill Holden! (a cool, cool cat...a very special breed of cool cat)

Bill Wyman!

Make merry! Be gay! Happy Bill Day!

*Yes! Dickens, Wodehouse, Bernard Shaw, Parker, I love 'em all and everybody else you might be about to name! However, when I apply the stiff criterion of "What book makes me feel exactly as I did--GREAT--when I first read it? This book wins. My favorite three stories: "Hearing from Wayne," "The Volunteer Organist," and "This Uncle." Did I mention Bill Franzen? BILL FRANZEN!!!! And, this has nothing to do with the fact that he is also a stand-up guy who, during my college years, called me after I wrote to him via his publisher and talked to me about writing so I could do a STUPID presentation in my fiction writing class. BILL FRANZEN! Crap. I should make a special day just for Bill Franzen! Consider it done. Tomorrow is Bill Franzen Day, okay? Synchronize watches.

Spring is Coming!

2009-03-03T04:39:00.001-08:00

Almost Spring!
This weekend, I noticed lots of bulbs starting to come up around the house--crocus and daffodils, for sure, and I even saw a cluster of snowdrops blooming in the flowerbed with the raspberries. I was quite excited, and I was all set to take pictures to document the springiness of it all.

And then, this kind of happened. Pretty, but it's a definite obstacle in terms of flower growth:
This is how it looked just a few days earlier. Note the happy sight of the bare ground.
Still, the snow kind of makes it look like I live in a gingerbread house, and I do like that:
And, I love watching the birds who hang out at the following feeders:

The "Robot-Looking Ones That I Bought for A Dollar Each Because They Were Shiny and $1 and That Suck Because the Birdseed Freezes in The Bottoms of 'Em When It Is Cold""The Dr. Seuss Feeder" (I don't know why I started calling it this--it just seemed Seussish--like something that would hang in Whoville and feed flocks of exotically-colored birds with whimsical names--the Whirlsnobbler and the Fandiddler and the, uh, "Robin," etc.)"The Iron Maiden"...Okay. It's not that bad. Let's just call it "The Feeder That I Can't Get the Top Off of When It's Cold and I Freeze My Fingers Off Even When I'm Wearing Mittens (ow)"
"The Carousel"--This one was here when I moved in. I think it belonged to the elderly woman who lived here for decades--I like to think that, anyway, because she sounds like a lovely woman.
Note the homemade bird food lurking in it--I made that yesterday because I ran out of birdseed. It's all stuff that they should, technically speaking, enjoy: chopped peanuts, crumbled corny stuff, dried cherries that I meant to use in something (couscous? cookies? no idea) but have been sitting in the cupboard for a year. I saw a couple of bold juncos trying it out as I peeked out the window, but then they all just started hanging onto the empty "Iron Maiden" feeder and pecking at the little seedless holes which was a very sad sight indeed.

I kinda knew this would happen--and I'll be heading out to purchase more birdseed as soon as I finish working on someone's resume. 'til then, I've emptied a few bits of non-frozen birdseed out of the robot feeders and mixed it into this stuff--trying to disguise the homemade birdseed in a way that reminds me of when my grandmother tried to get my sister to eat liver by pretending it was meatballs.

Anyhoo, in keeping with the Spring is coming thought, here are ideas for "Children's Lunch Bags and Picnics" (chicken fricassee? lobster stew?). I like the old-timey "blueberry grunt" and "raspberry shrub," as well as the "Desperate Mother's Quick Frank Stew" (why doesn't the desperate mother just use her power to make fire and hand the child a stick and a hot dog?) and while I can't quite remember what "Scotch Eggs" are (maybe hardboiled eggs rolled in sausage and breadcrumbs and fried? Dunno) I like her line: "They also like Scotch Eggs because they look like yellow eyes, a child once told me..."
From this Book:
Later today, I think I'll go try to dig out the snowdrops--I can sense 'em there, blooming pluckily under a foot of snow--after I shovel off the bulkhead and carve out a racing track for Lily in the back yard.

Hope you have a great day!

Ask Pop Mechs! He Has the Answers to All Your Questions!

2009-03-01T16:19:00.000-08:00

From the Desk...of Pop Mechs

Dear Pop Mechs (popmechs@hotmail.com),
...What do you think of Pitbulls as pets?
Parker B. Nosy

Dear Mr. Nosy,
Our dog crop is almost as important as our wheat or cotton crop; three times as much as our potato crop.
All set? You bet! Thanks for stoppin' by!
Pops

Dear Pop Mechs,
"Crop"? "Dog crop?" What the heck are you talking about, you sick old bastard?
Parker B. Nosy

Dear Mr. Nosy,
Having won a variety group, the dog begins to take on value. If he can repeat he usually scrambles into the money. His owner is besieged with applications for stud services.
All set? You bet. Thanks for stopping by!
Pops

Heyyyy, Popster!
So, what you're saying is: a Pitbull could be a money-making proposition? And, if I get one, we'll "scramble into the money"--whatever the hell that means. And, chicks will dig me? I will be "besieged with applications for my services as a stud"? Hey HEY hey...Thanks, man! Cool. I'll call him Chewbacca. What else should I know?
Parker B. Nosy

Dear Mr. Nosy,
The modern dog shop is a revelation. Beginning with dog beds and mattresses, dog houses and dog chinaware, its stocks include hundreds of styles in harnesses, leashes, and muzzles; rain capes, plaid jackets, woven sweaters, nobby gabardine and camel's hair wraps, leather mittens, and fur-lined galoshes.
All set? You bet. Thanks for stopping by!
Pops

Dear Pops,
Okay. This is a little eerie. I was thinking about getting a Pitbull as a pet, and instead it's sounding like I'm moving in with my ex-wife again. Woven sweaters? Rain capes? Camel's hair wraps? Sounds just like Deena's closet. I'm not gonna even "go there" with the harness and leash stuff. 'nuff said. Tell ya what, 'though, if this crap will help Chewbacca and me "scramble into the money" I'll be kitting him out to the nines. I'll get California Closets to come by and make him a storage space for those leather mittens and such. So, what should I feed Chewie?
Parker B. Nosy

Dear Mr. Nosy,
Dog feeding is the largest single entry. Half a billion dollars a year is an extremely conservative estimate of Fido's American dinner check.
All set? You bet! Thanks for stoppin' by!
Pops

Whoa, there Pops!
Not so fast. Half a bil is an extremely conservative estimate of Fido's American dinner check? First, let's both just nod our heads and admit that you talk funny. Next, his name will be Chewbacca--not Fido. Will this reduce the cost of his "American dinner check," whatever that might be?
Parker B. Nosy

Dear Mr. Nosy,
The most prevalent of city dog-ailments are constipation, intestinal parasites and pyorrhea.
All set? You bet! Thanks for stoppin' by!
Pops

GEEZ, Pops!
You have the attention span of a flea. We were talking about the "American dinner check" and now you're all about the pyorrhea. Can you stay focused? Also, now it sounds like you're down on me teaming up with Chewie. You're saying we can scramble into the money, but it also sounds like Chewie will remind me of Deena and go around pyorrheaing. No idea what that is. Can't be good.
Parker B. Nosy

Dear Mr. Nosy,
When a director needed twelve reindeer for a motion picture being filmed in Alaska recently, they were transported by airplane from a point 500 miles away. The animals, carried six at a time, were trussed securely, but one escaped his bonds and only quick work by the pilot's assistant saved the plane from damage. Also on the plane were twelve sacks of reindeer moss.
All set? You bet! Thanks for stoppin' by!
Pops

Dear Pops,
WHAT?
Parker B. Nosy

Dear Mr. Nosy,
Raise giant frogs! Markets waiting! Frog legs in big demand at good prices the year round! Easy to ship. Small pond starts you.
All set? You bet! Thanks for stoppin' by!
Pops

Dear Pops,
WHAT?
Parker B. Nosy

Dear Mr. Nosy,
Go where there's lots of fun--on a Harley-Davidson. Yes, Siree--motor improvements give greater sustained horsepower that cuts gas and oil costs WAY DOWN. And you'll get streamlined designed, snappy color combinations, and smooth, gliding speed.
All set? You bet! Thanks for stoppin' by!

Dear Pops,
Okaaaaaaay. I gotcha. You lost me for awhile there, but now I'm reading you loud and clear--you're like some zen master speaking in parables, aren't you? I'm still not sure what that reindeer stuff was about, but I know it was some deep shit. Bottom line, I'm thinking straight now: Forget the Pitbull. Chewie's out. I'm getting a Harley--probably get more gals linin' up for my "stud services" that way anyway, huh? No. No. Don't answer me. Let's leave it just like this. Thanks for your help!
Parker B. Nosy

The Schwerbelastungskörper Nobody Knows...

2009-02-27T04:51:00.001-08:00

Schwerbelastungskörper: "The Schwerbelastungskörper (German: 'heavy loading body') is a large cylinder made of concrete in Berlin, Germany. It was built in 1941 to study the feasibility of constructing large buildings on the sandy ground in the area, in preparation for the planned construction nearby of a massive Triumphal Arch. It is 18 m high and has a mass of 12,650 metric tons. If the structure was to sink 2.5 inches or less, the soil would be sound enough to build Hitler's planned massive structures of Germania. It sank 7 inches in three years, but Hitler disregarded the findings." (Clinky sez it's Schwerbelastungskörper week...)

Guten Tag! Wie geht es ihnen? I am the Schwerbelastungskörper. I am a large gray concrete cylinder out of Berlin, Germany. Ja, it is so. Auch it is so that mein name ist "heavy loading body." That is a very, very hateful name, do you not think so? Gott in himmel, is it not sufficient for me to be knowing that I am big and blocky and sinking rapidly downward heading? (Pardon my English, it is not so good.) Must I habe the name of the "heavy loading body"? I tell you now, the taunts of the kinder made me more gray. Aber, I try to live a full life. And now I tell to you some of this life that the wikipediaofinformation nicht verstehen.Me and My Band of SkiffleThis is eine sehr nice shot of me and my freunde when we had the band of skiffle, The Schwertles. Ja, that is me on drums. We had a big hit mit "I Want to Hold Your Triumphal Arch."

My Liebe, The Eiffel Tower
For many years, I had a heiss love affair gemachen with The Eiffel Tower. Here we are together on holiday. My legs were quite good then for eine "heavy loading body," ja?
I am sorry sad to report, aber, that this affair ended quite schnell following this Gespräch:
Me: "Do I look fat and heavy loading today? I feel like I look fat and heavy loading today."Eiffel Tower: "OUI! Toujours, toujours you look fat and heavy loading!" Plötzlich! Zoom! I lost my temper. Sure, admitted, I carried too far with meine temper gestormen, but I cannot help the way I am gemachen. Concrete ist heavy:
Anyway, after that I decided that Hitler was the gemacher of my Unglück and I decided to fight back. Hier am I with my ragtag gruppe von misfits:
After all that violence, admittedly I became somewhat...how you say, konfus? Ah, ja, "confused"--just a little letter difference, eh? The language--the sprache--ist...Was? Was sie sprechen sind? You denken I am the making the subject changen to avoid something? No, there were no photos gemachen of that time when I was konfus, and...Oh. There they are. Ja. Okay. Nein. I have keine comment on this time of the konfusion. Okay, okay. You push me. I wurde eine Schauspielerin for awhile. Was ist das? You never had an "experimental time gemachen" while you were at university? Very well. However, as du bist sehen hier this time came to an end quite abruptly for me.
I still say that I AM big--you can see this for yourself--it is the pictures that got small, dennoch--nevertheless-- the fact remains: I am no longer Schauspielerin gebein'.

These days, I am just doing der hang, chillmachen, sinking a little ever now and then...Sometimes I work out--ja? You can tell? Das is gut. It is of difficulty, 'though, I carry much of the heavy loading in my buttress, as you can see:
Advice? Nein, I have little for sie. Möglicherweise this, as long as du asken: Even if you fail at your assigned aufgabe--oh, task--you can fun gemachen along the way, ja? Keine regrets from this "heavy loading body." Ich yam what ich yam, as Popeye gesprechen, okay? Jetzt, I mussen sinken--just eine kleine to rub Hitler's nose in it a little more. Auf widersehen.

Max, Su, Pops, and You

2009-02-23T04:36:00.000-08:00

Good mornin'! I've got some catchin' up to do!

MAX: MY FAVORITE DRUNKEN SEVERED HEAD
So, while I was gone, my beloved blog colleague Max, The Drunken Severed Head gave Dinosaur Casserole an award. Here is my acceptance speech, and don't you DARE start the music up before I've finished and made my graceful exit: Thank you. Thank you. You commie, homo-loving sons-of-guns. I did not expect this, but I, and I want it to be very clear, that I do know how hard I make it to appreciate me often. But I am touched by the appreciation and I hoped for it enough that I did want to scribble down, so I had the names in case you were commie, homo-loving sons-of-guns. I would like to thank Bob Burden and the makers of Dolly Madison snack cakes. And this is in great due respect to all the nominees, but courageous artists, who despite a sensitivity that sometimes has brought enormous challenge, Mickey Rourke rises again and he is my brother. Thank you all very much.

So: Let me wheel the award out so you can see it. Here it is. NO! Don't touch it, please stand back a few paces and admire it. NO! I see that! You're poking it and poking counts as touching. NO! Stop biting it! I don't think there's chocolate under there! Rats! You chipped a tooth!

“The Premio Dardos Award is given for recognition of cultural, ethical, literary, and personal values transmitted in the form of creative and original writing. These stamps were created with the intention of promoting fraternization between bloggers, a way of showing affection and gratitude for work that adds value to the Web.”

Now I need to pass the award on to either 5 bloggers (which would be very, very hard for me and seems to be what some people are doing) or 15 bloggers (which would be very, very easy for me and which also seems to be what some people are doing). I'll figure it out and post the awards later this week.

SU, MY FAVORITE BLOGGER WHO'S THE MOTHER OF ANOTHER FAVORITE BLOGGER (note--Jayne's mum is also a favorite mother of another blogger but does not, as far as I know, have a blog...Thus, Su is in a category all her own)
While I was away, Su, mother of the hugely funny and talented Ege of The House and I fame "memed me" or she asked me to "do a meme" or there was some kind of drive-by meming of me. I really don't know what a meme is--I'm aware of it involving questions or something--and please don't tell me. But, I DO know what a Su is. Do you remember Su? She's my fellow "Cisco Kid" fan and here's what she used to do when she was a kid: "I would dress myself up in my Cowgirl Outfit and watch all of them [westerns]. I have my original Rudolf album and also all of the paperwork from my Hopalong Cassidy (savings club that I won in a contest at Riverside--now Six Flags) for my outfit and singing Laurie Anders "I like the Wide Open Spaces." SU SANG "I LIKE THE WIDE OPEN SPACES" at Riverside in a cowgirl outfit! This means that she has my undying fealty and I must do what she says. So here's the meeemeee thingy. I'm supposed to pick the fourth photo in my fourth folder in my pictures folder and write about it. You feel free to do the same, if you like.

Without even cheating, here is the fourth picture in my fourth folder:
It's Mr. Tree! He grows Christmas trees--and this photo makes it look like he grows them out of his mighty, farming-gnarled palm. This photo is one of many pictures I've taken of old Popular Mechanics articles and illustrations. I LOVE these old magazines. They're much better than the new Popular Mechanics magazine, and each one is "Written so YOU can understand it!" That's the promise. Of course, they didn't mean me when they promised that--I think they meant some pipe-smoking, naturally mechanically good grandpa type. Yet, I get hours of enjoyment reading the old magazines and looking at the pictures. Thanks, Su!

POPS
If you have ANY question about ANY thing in this world, I suggest that you e-mail Pop Mechs--address given at right. Pops is always on duty at his desk and ready to respond to your large and small queries.
YOU--This morning, I enjoyed this video clip. Hope you do, too! Have a great Monday.

True Real-Life Stories that Are True and Real!

2009-02-20T16:06:00.000-08:00

So, I took a trip recently. I got on an airplane and I figured the airplane would, y'know, go--do that crazy flying thing it does so well.

Instead, my airplane sat on the runway. For three hours. During the first hour, they told us we would be taking off, ooh, every 15 minutes or so. During the second hour, there was absolutely no word until a low, savage grumbling began to arise from the sweating, peevish masses. (Okay, maybe it was just me being sweating and peevish?) The wing de-icing equipment came. And glided majestically away 'cross the glistening tarmac. Then, five minutes later, we all heard this announcement by the flight attendant--oh, she was a stewardess, let's call a spade a spade:

"Ladies and gentlemen, we'd like to thank you again for your patience. We need to wait our turn to have our wings de-iced. Once that happens, we'll be underway and (this was clearly a doomed effort to get us all excited and happy) soon we'll have beverage service! Fountain drinks, juice, and water costs $1.00. Alcoholic beverages cost $5.00. We're so glad you chose to fly our airline and be here with us today!"

Plane full of people sat there staring at each other. We had all seen the de-icing equipment come. And go. We had seen it, really, we had seen it! In fact, we were a pale-faced, icy-fists-gripping-stomachs pack of William Shatners in that Twilight Zone episode when he sees the gremlin on the wing. He SEES it. Except the gremlin that we saw was what I shall call "disquieting hints of flight crew incompetence."

Two minutes passed. Two minutes jam-packed with stewardess buttons being pounded and frenzied, spitty, agitated, hissed conversations between and amongst the flight crew and us William Shatners.

Two more minutes brought the dawn of a bright new announcement:

"Uh, ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking...as several of you have kindly called to our attention, we have already had our wings de-iced. What we're doing now is..." squeaky muffled sound as there is a failed attempt to cover the microphone, "C'mon. What should I tell them? What should I tell them?" Other voice: "Tell them snow...just tell them snow" squeaky muffled sound as the pilot tries to re-engage the communications system that is already working just fine. "...yeah, what we are doing now is...it's a little too technical to explain, but we found some snow on the engine and..." random squeaky muffled sound, "...yeah, we need to put some heat on the engine. Yep. We'll be underway after we put some heat on the engine."

Then, it was another hour before we took off.

The only conclusion to draw from this story? They were attempting to sober the pilot up. They did! I got there and back!

Yaay!

To sum up: Here are two pictures of the flying squirrel in my back yard (they are not the most flattering shots--just think about how you look when you're staggering around the kitchen after you've just gotten up).
Note: This little dude likes peanut butter even more than your typical Skippy-addicted toddler!

The Little Plant Pot People

2009-01-23T10:14:00.000-08:00

Sparkle: "La, la, la. WHOA. What are you all doing here?"
Dinos: "It's an intervention."
Sparkle: "Why? What I do? What I do?"
Dinos: "It's more what you didn't do. We mean--wait. Where are you?"
Sparkle: "I'm right here. You've got my ear."
Archie: "See, that's part of the problem. These lame attempts at humor."
Sparkle: "Huh?"
Gustavo: "Don't even try to explain it to her. It's hopeless."
Dinos: "Look, let's ease you into this. Remember when you were young and wrote that story about the little people who lived in plant pots? And you never finished it?”"
Sparkle: “The Little Plant Pot People?”
Dinos: “Yeah. Great title--"
Sparkle: "I WAS 10!"
Dinos: "Whatev. Anyway, does that remind you of anything? Does never finishing 'The Little Plant Pot People' remind you of anything?”
Sparkle: “No, not really. Why?”
Rex: “Hey, guys! Remember that book she started writing a couple years ago? She never finished that, either.”
Clyde: “She didn't? Why, I thought for sure she had…”
Rex: “No. No she didn't. What a loser.”
Sparkle: “HEY! I’m standing right HERE! I HEARD THAT. And I am HURT.”
Bertie: "What the heck is wrong with you? You look weird. Weirder than usual."
Sparkle: “Nothing. Oh, you mean the box of cookies? Hey, isn't it Girl Scout Cookie Time? They've been on my mind lately."
Archie: "Again with the lame attempts at humor. Look, the sight gag would work better if the box were on your forehead and not on your nose. It's kind of tragic."
Gustavo: “Geez. Now look what you’ve gone and done. She's stormed out!”
Algernon: “Aw, forget it. She’s harmless. What's she gonna do, replace us?”
To Be Continued…

The Vera Veto

2009-01-22T06:31:00.000-08:00

Almost before I learned to walk, I learned about the Vera Veto. My grandmother's name was Vera, and she helped raise my sister and me. She was a very unique woman, very opinionated, very smart, very funny, very refined (this is hard to explain, except she had very good e-nun-ci-a-tion--she grew up in an age when children had elocution lessons and she used to em-pha-size each and ev-er-y syll-a-ble), very--uh--colorful, and had been through a lot in her life--children dying, sons going off to war, teaching school, working in factories, you name it. I know that's a lot of verys--but she was very. Ver-y Ver-a.

When we were older the Vera Veto was subtle. Examples: My sister brought a boyfriend home. After he left, my grandmother shook her head and said, "He's a lit-tle smooth." Few words, but a giant Vera Veto. If she felt like we were being overly influenced by certain books, she'd make her feelings known in a quiet way. I picked up a paperback book once and found that she had written "Who says?" "Why so?" in certain spots in the book. On the back of the book, there were very enthusiastic quotes by various people. Next to each person's name, she had written, "Who he? Why should we believe him?" To this day, my sister and I like to say "Who he?"

When we were little, the Vera Veto was very loud and clear. Here are some of her vetoes.

The Vera Veto (in a dark voice): "No. There will be e-nough of that la-ter on."
The Vera Veto: "Grue-some."
The Vera Veto: "Don't ev-er touch the booze. You have a mon-key on your backs. From your fath-er." Can I say how confusing this was when we were 4 and 7 years old?
Vera Veto: "Why, that's just su-gar and wa-ter." (With Hawaiian Punch, she really jumped on the syllables--possibly due to my in-cess-ant beg-ging.)

Then again, she was tricky to predict. She liked George Carlin ("Now, him. He's cle-ver"). And, she bought my sister her first record album (Sgt. Peppers from the bargain bin because the Beatles were long past their heyday--after that moment, my sister was a rabid Beatles fan when few of her peers even knew who they were).

Very Vera. To this day, I feel like I'm in huge trouble if someone uses my full first name and strongly pronounces all of the syllables...

Early Space Exploration!

2009-01-21T06:07:00.000-08:00

Here's some of my favorite space-related stuff when I was a kid.

FIRST AND BEST OF ALL! THE VIEWMASTER! I was fascinated by my Viewmaster, and I loved peeking into the 3-D worlds inside. While not directly related to space exploration, there were lots of Viewmaster reels about rockets and space, and I assumed every astronaut had a Viewmaster. Buying a new Viewmaster reel was an extremely exciting event. (Here's an interesting article about the Viewmaster. And, one about sculptor Florence Thomas.)

ONE OF MY FAVORITE VIEWMASTER IMAGES, FROM HUCKLEBERRY HOUND LANDS ON THE MOON I would still like to go to the "New Moon Drive-In."*
The Flying Saucer (photo courtesy of the Online Exhibits at the Archives of Ontario**)
Food Sticks--Mystery of the Astronauts! (chocolate not peanut butter)

The Monkey in the Rocket!
PlayPlax that I Used to Build My Super-Modern Moon House!
Kerplunk! Somehow, I always associated the shape of this with a rocket. My teenage cousins probably associated it with the shape of something else.
Up Next: More toys.

*Image courtesy of Hanna-Barbera and the truly great blog of Bob Logan. Please buy a copy of his book "Rocket Town." I'm gonna! Go here to check out pictures and order the book.

**And, while I'm plugging archives and such, it's time for my annual celebration of the Internet Archive, home of quite a bit of footage from the wonderful Prelinger Archives.

Have a great day!

How Obama is More Like Reagan Than Lincoln

2009-01-20T08:19:00.000-08:00

Some people dig the Ronald Reagan. Others find the Ronald Reagan to be a figure of fun.

Me? I just report the news that's fit to print from the sources that see fit to print it.

A writer for Newsweek says: "Everybody in the capital is comparing Obama to Abraham Lincoln. But the more recent—and illuminating—comparison is Ronald Reagan."

I don't claim that when a writer from Newsweek says "Jump!" I yell, "Sir! How high, sir?!"

But, the article got me thinking. Maybe they're both kinda unify-y and communicate-y, but what on earth else? 'cause many good girls and boys appear to be freaking out and muttering things about "lib-rals"--it's never good when they leave out the middle syllable--destroying the country and thinking longingly of the Reagan good times. Maybe it would help them if I found some parallels?

Buckle up. Here we go.

So, everybody knows that Obama has smoked a cigarette or two. Reagan, in contrast, was not a smoker, and-- Well, holy cow. Okaaaaaaay. And, speaking of cows, Reagan was very identified with cowboys, and lord knows Obama wouldn't wear a--
Skip it. Anyhow, one thing's for sure. Think about those recent shirtless pictures of Obama. Reagan would never be caught dead without--
HOLY MOLEY! Sorry. Didn't expect to see that. As long as we're "going there," I might as well sidetrack and share this strangely "Field and Stream Playmate Centerfold" image of Putin.
Whoa...Putin! Tuck your rod away and be putin' on some more clothes! Heh. Uh. Heh. Okay. Not funny. Let's move on.

One thing I know and like about both men: Doodlers. So, that's a draw.
And, both could be described as ballsy by their athletic supporters.
I'm sure there's other stuff (uh, both men spent formative years in places beginning with "H"?), but I gotta call this a wrap. I guess that on this historic day of history, what I'm struck by is:

1) It works best to take the measure of a president after he has been in office and has served the country--until then, all you can talk about is cigarettes and doodles, doodles and cigarettes!

2) I really can't wait 'til Joe Biden--bless his impulse-control-deficient heart--says something off-the-wall! Will he? Won't he? How long will it be until he does?

Got Yer Nose!

2009-01-19T12:28:00.000-08:00

Oh...I am so terribly, terribly sorry! I cannot, by law, give your nose back to you unless you cross my palm with silver.
P.S. Yes, I am afraid that I do have scary man hands. Furthermore, yes: This is the most stupid blog post ever. All of that folderol and fiddle-dee-dee is beside the point. The point is: Got Yer Nose.

Important Medical Alert and Martha Stewart Visits!

2009-01-16T05:46:00.001-08:00

IMPORTANT MEDICAL ALERT
If you feel a little blurry and weak, ask a friend to bring you a soft cloth STAT; it might just be "The Shipping Haze." MARTHA STEWART VISITS!
Okay, so I'm lying. But some day, so help me Darwin, I will open "Martha Stewart Living" and right next to "Refrigerate salad plates," I will read, "A cheerfully mismatched collection of brightly colored vases filled with small plastic dinosaurs can delight and surprise your guests." (Note: If you look at the yellow vase dinosaur, he is clearly saying: "Whaddya whaddya?" If you look at the blue vase dinosaur, he has clearly just told a dirty joke. And, if you look at the green vase dinosaur, he is clearly wondering what the hell is happening.)
Have a great weekend!

Adventures in Plumbing: Part II

2009-01-15T09:58:00.001-08:00

The Background: Aunt's water heater died. Messily.

Act 1: The Plumber Won't Fix the Floor
Sparkle: "So, I think we should get a few estimates 'cause you didn't like that last plumber. Can you hang in there for that?"
Aunt: "Oh, sure. But, a plumber won't fix the floor, right?"
Sparkle: "No, I don't think many plumbers also fix the floor. We'll figure that out. Just get 'em to come by, I'll pay you back for the estimates, and let's find out what their prices are so we can compare them. Maybe they have someone they can recommend for the floor, but my friend says all we might have to do is put some plywood under there."
Aunt: "Oh, sure."

Later
Aunt: "Well, I called that plumber you gave me the number for. He said he won't fix the floor!"
Sparkle: "No, I don't think many plumbers will. How much will he charge for the water heater?"
Aunt: "I didn't ask him. He won't fix the floor!"
Sparkle: "No, most plumbers won't fix the floor."
Aunt: "He said that he won't fix the floor!"
Sparkle: "No, not the floor. You're worried about the floor, I know."
Aunt: "Yes! He won't fix the..."
Sparkle: "The floor."
Aunt: "The floor."
Sparkle: "The floor."
Aunt: "Floor."
Sparkle: "Floor. Not gonna fix it."
Aunt: "Right."
Note: I am NOT making fun of my aunt. She's a very smart cookie. This is just a situation that few of us cope well with--myself included--and the floor was a big mess.

Act 2: The Plumberman
Sparkle: "GREAT! So, the Plumberman guy came by and gave you the estimate?"
Aunt: "He's here right now."
Sparkle: "Oh! Okay. So what does Plumberman have to say for himself?"
Aunt: "He'll charge XX for this, XX for that, XX for the other, XX for YY, $200 for this, and he'll fix the floor for $105.57, but we'll have to buy the plywood."
Sparkle: "The floor."
Aunt: "Right, the floor."
Sparkle: "Will he put a drip pan in?"
Aunt (asks Pman, comes back): "He will put a drip pan in for $350 extra."
Sparkle: "Okaaay. So far he's charging us too much for some things, I'm surprised he didn't mention the drip pan right away and I think that's too high, and, $105.57 does not seem right."
Aunt (to Pman): "It will really cost $105.57 for the floor and $350 for the drip pan? Oh, it will?"
Sparkle: "Thank him for his time and say you'll be back in touch."
Aunt (to Pman): "Well, I guess I'll be back in touch with you--Oh."
Sparkle: "What?"
Aunt: "He's saying if I sign the contract, he could do it right now, but we'd have to give him a downpayment right now. And he might not have any other time this week or next week."
Sparkle: "Thank him for his time and send him on his way."
Aunt (to Pman): "What's that? Oh. "
Sparkle: "What?"
Aunt: "He's saying he'll throw in the floor and the drip pan for free, but some other costs might come up along the way."
Sparkle: "All of a sudden, the drip pan and the floor are free but some other costs might come up along they way? And the drip pan and the floor cost $455.57 two seconds ago?"
Aunt (in dry, skeptical tone): "Mm-hmm."
Sparkle: "Get that guy OUT of there."
Aunt: "Mm-hmm."

Act 3: The Plumberman Clan
Aunt: "You'll never guess who I just heard from!"
Sparkle: "Wow, who?"
Aunt: "Well, I'm not positive. When I first answered the phone, he said he was the Plumberman's father. But when I asked him who he was again, he said he was 'like a father' to the Plumberman."
Sparkle: "WHAT? What did he want?"
Aunt: "Well, he said the Plumberman told him about the work I need to have done and he said he'd do it for $500 less, including the floor and the drip pan."
Sparkle: "What?"
Aunt: "He talked almost as fast as the Plumberman, so they really might be related."
Sparkle: "Who does he work for?"
Aunt: "I'm not sure. He said 'Clear Answers to Water something something' the first time and 'Waterclear Answers something something' the second time. I wrote it down."
Sparkle: "This smells like bad fish."
Aunt: "Yes, doesn't it? He said he'd fix the floor for free."
Sparkle: "I don't have a good feeling about this one."
Aunt: "No. Me, too. I told him I'd give him a call back after the other guy comes. I don't think I will."
Sparkle: "No. I wouldn't."
Aunt: "I guess he said he'd fix the floor, 'though."
Sparkle: "Yep."

To sum up: There's a lot of gators in the plumbing business--as if you didn't know that already--and she now has hot water again. And the floor? It didn't need to be fixed.

Adventures in Plumbing...and Research: Part 1

2009-01-13T07:02:00.000-08:00

Right now, I'm doing a lot of research for my aunt and my friend. The research for my aunt involves water heaters and plumbers--I will be the out-of-state investor in her new water heater. The research for my friend involves doctors.

Yesterday, I spoke with my aunt 250 times by phone and my friend 75 times. That was cool, I love my aunt and my friend. But, I did find that I was getting confused. Occasionally, I found myself typing up notes that looked like this:

"30 gallons ONLY they'll be ripping you off if they try to sell you residency at University of California Davis, ranked 14th in nation."

I believe I have some rich blogging material in my plumbing conversations with my aunt. We'll see whether that's true when I write it up as Part 2 of this post.

I won't be bloogingTM(Bacon Ace) about the specifics of the doctor conversations, but I must say I know more about these docs than their mothers do. And, I'm kinda drawn to ranking them in odd and rather useless ways:

1) "I do not trust this surgeon's eyes. He looks like a Vegas blackjack dealer. Not a nice one who likes to talk."
2) "This guy seems awesome! He and his wife have the cutest Web site about having their baby boy! Weird! The Web site address is the same as the nickname we used to use all the time!"
3) "Okay, this guy is younger than the others. But, maybe that's good? His hands might be steadier. He won't be as bitter. Also, he might not have that yucky god-dy attitude. In fact, he might be like that young doctor I saw last spring! The one who had mellow jazz playing as I entered the room and who sent me a thank you note after he examined me--which would have been creepy if it was something gynecological but it wasn't so it was nice instead!"
4) "I have a good feeling about this one for no particularly good reason."

Well, sure. In addition to these "intangibles" I've compiled info re: educational attainments, residencies, and middle school science projects. I know who was voted the best by his peers and who's involved in a workman's comp lawsuit. But, I think something even more comprehensive would help--like IMDB profiles for doctors that give their best jokes and quips, summarize their best moments in surgeries, and tell you about upcoming projects.

Anyhoo, please enjoy this gallery of plumbing imagery as a Coming Attraction. And, as a sidenote, let me tell you that in a Google image search of "plumber's crack" the picture below was really the only slightly funny picture I could find. Here's the thing: Accidental plumber's crack is funny. Intentional plumber's crack, "hot" plumber's crack (this becomes possible when the plumber is female or a chiseled male), and "baby" plumber's crack just ain't funny.

How to Do Everything (I read the pamphlets so you don't have to!)

2009-01-08T09:47:00.000-08:00

How to Recycle: Dump everything into one can and throw it anywhere!

What Happens When You Smoke Marijuana: You stand around and make fun of your friend who is cold and scared because he has not smoked marijuana.
How to Develop Your Leadership Skills: Convince People to Follow You Blindly Up a Staircase to Nowhere!
Improve Your Interpersonal Skills by Forcing Others to Shake Hands!
If Your Coworker is Crouched Down with a Globe On His Shoulders, Don't Ponder It--Run. There is a Gun Behind That Globe.
Improve Your Listening Skills by Growing Ears!
Now that You Are A Young Lady, You Will Spend Hours Staring Into Lockers...
Get a Load of This! Natural Gas is Cuddly and Fun! Play with It!
If A Stopwatch Falls on Your Friend, Fondle Him!
In An Emergency, Wave Goodbye to All You Hold Dear.
If You Cannot Get Cocaine, Your Brain Will Break In Two.
If You Are Making Out and Question Marks Appear in the Air, Be Very Worried.

You and Your Attitude Have Scary Roundy Heads.

If Your Older Relatives are "Problem Drinkers," You Might Need to Remind Them Where They Hid the Booze.
To Conserve Your Hearing on the Job, Tune Out Your Coworkers. Tune them alllll out.
If You Try to Be Abstinent, A Big Bed Will Follow You Wherever You Go. So, Don't Bother.
You Do Not Want to Know About "Universal Precautions." Rubber Glove? 'nuff Said.
Poop is Shaped Like Flowers. Do Not Mistake It For Flowers.
Conserve Water? Why? It is Plentiful and Jolly and Loves Being Squandered!
If You Allow Yourself to Be Crucified at Work, That's a Winning Attitude, Mister!

Most Sinister Use of Phrase "New Automatic Spring Action"

2009-01-06T08:11:00.001-08:00

The Little Plant Pot People

2009-01-06T07:21:00.000-08:00

Sparkle: "La, la, la. WHOA. What are you all doing here?"
Dinos: "It's an intervention."
Sparkle: "Why? What I do? What I do?"
Dinos: "It's more what you didn't do. We mean--wait. Where are you?"
Sparkle: "I'm right here. You've got my ear."
Archie: "See, that's part of the problem. These lame attempts at humor."
Sparkle: "Huh?"
Gustavo: "Don't even try to explain it to her. It's hopeless."
Dinos: "Look, let's ease you into this. Remember when you were young and wrote that story about the little people who lived in plant pots? And you never finished it?”"
Sparkle: “The Little Plant Pot People?”
Dinos: “Yeah. Great title--"
Sparkle: "I WAS 10!"
Dinos: "Whatev. Anyway, does that remind you of anything? Does never finishing 'The Little Plant Pot People' remind you of anything?”
Sparkle: “No, not really. Why?”
Rex: “Hey, guys! Remember that book she started writing a couple years ago? She never finished that, either.”
Clyde: “She didn't? Why, I thought for sure she had…”
Rex: “No. No she didn't. What a loser.”
Sparkle: “HEY! I’m standing right HERE! I HEARD THAT. And I am HURT.”
Bertie: "What the heck is wrong with you? You look weird. Weirder than usual."
Sparkle: “Nothing. Oh, you mean the box of cookies? Hey, isn't it Girl Scout Cookie Time? They've been on my mind lately."
Archie: "Again with the lame attempts at humor. Look, the sight gag would work better if the box were on your forehead and not on your nose. It's kind of tragic."
Gus: “Geez. Now look what you’ve gone and done. She's stormed out!”
Algernon: “Aw, forget it. She’s harmless. What's she gonna do, replace us?”
To Be Continued…

2009-01-05T06:58:00.000-08:00

Drago: “She’s a flop. A has been. Ran out of dinosaur ideas back in October ’07. Did you hear about the robots?”
Bertie: “No. What about them?"
Drago: "They got tired of waiting for her big, stinkin’ brain to come up with a new idea and got a new gig.”
Bertie: “What are they doing now?
Drago: “I dunno. They’re like aquarium decorations or somethin’.”
Bertie: “Man, she’s really pitiful, huh?”
Sparkle: “Hi, hi! I’ll be coming up with a new story line for you any day now, and—hey! What was that? Did you just roll your eyes?”
Bertie: “No, no. Not at all.”
Drago: "Gnurrrrr."
Sparkle: “You just did it again! Quit it!”

Today's Guest Symbolic Gesture is...The Eye Roll!"Eyes raised upward, often accompanied by an audible 'tut' is a common sign expressing condescension, boredom, or exasperation."

True Fact: An audible "tut" can be crushing. Beware the audible "tut."

The Hottest Fellows No Longer Alive

2009-01-04T13:56:00.000-08:00

Dear Mr. Cary Grant,
You. Yes, you, my sleek-haired, tweedy idol. You know how I've always loved you beyond the grave. NO! Not in an icky way--stop doing that adorable, wide-eyed double-take in alarm--in a worshipping-your-memory way. You, sir, are the hottest fellow no longer alive. What is there not to love about you? You were suave, debonair, witty, and you could do double takes and pratfalls like no other similarly sophisticated man about town. Your movies! Ah! Your movies! And, y'know, just you:
Anyhoo, I'm just dropping a note to let you know that you've got to move over and share my unwavering devotion with him:
Yes, him--no, not Kennedy although he's just dandy, the other guy:Cary, that is Senator Claiborne Pell of Rhode Island, and while I didn't think about him very much until last week when his death was announced, I frickin' worship the man. Here, let me take you back to the day when I first fell in love with Senator Claiborne Pell of Rhode Island (and didn't even know him).

THE SCENE: A FINANCIAL AID OFFICE AT A COLLEGE, LONG AGO AND FAR, FAR AWAY
THE PLAYERS: A FINANCIAL AID COUNSELOR AND SPARKLE, WHO IS PAYING AND WORKING HER OWN WAY THROUGH SCHOOL. SPARKLE LOOKS VERY PALE.

Financial Aid Counselor: "So, you can take out these loans, and this is when you'll need to pay it all back by."
Sparkle (thinks to self "That year is incredibly far away and that there is a huge wagonload of money to owe."): "Okay."
Financial Aid Counselor (starts throwing forms and pens around wildly, trusses Sparkle up in red tape like a Thanksgiving turkey)
Sparkle: "And I sign here and here? And you need some blood, too? How much blood? Should I eat some crackers or something first?"
Financial Aid Counselor: "MWAH HA HA HA HA!"
Sparkle: "Aiiiiieee!"
And then...amidst all of the getting-myself-into-debt carnage, this happened.
Financial Aid Counselor: "OH!"
Sparkle: "What what?"
Financial Aid Counselor: "You are very much eligible for a Pell grant."
Sparkle: "Swell. Where do I sign, and which organ would you like this time?"
Financial Aid Counselor: "You need not pay the Pell grant back. It's a grant."
Sparkle: "You want my child? I need to hit the streets? What's the catch?"
Financial Aid Counselor: "No, no, no, no. You will just get that money."

CARY! I DID "just get that money" and I did NOT need to pay the Pell grants back!!! You, as a once-impoverished former street performer, will appreciate this. And, I had no idea that Pell grants were named for a real person. Shame on me. But, let's focus now: Senator Claiborne Pell of Rhode Island is now tied with you as the hottest fellow no longer alive. Like you, he was quiet, thoughtful, and polite to a fault. And like you, he was a bit quirky: He liked to jog in a tweed coat and he was fascinated with UFOs and extra sensory perception. And, for the serious stuff, he is "best remembered for his devotion to education, maritime, and foreign affairs issues." Maritime and foreign affairs! There's something you-ish about that--Father Goose, An Affair to Remember...

Ooh! Sorry, I got a little dreamy-eyed there. Point is: I'm kicking myself for failing to write Senator Claiborne Pell of Rhode Island a thank you letter while he was still alive. I should have. I'm hoping that some of the other 54 million people he helped go to college did, but if not I hope he knew what a huge difference it made to us--or at least to me.

Love,
Sparkle

Any Gun Can Play!

2009-01-04T05:51:00.000-08:00

A Little Something for You--YES! YOU!

2008-12-29T13:30:00.000-08:00

Howdy! Here's a little something for You--YES! YOU! And, if your name somehow isn't here--and I'm talking to Davidz cat Orson and Bacon's cat Pinky now--it's because I've written it in invisible ink. Yeah. Cool, huh? (Note to Pedro--I swear there is an "r" in your name here--it just does not look like it.) Please click on the next two photos to receive your ultra amazing secret message. I took about 5,000 pictures of this, so we're all happy I'm just including the two. Stuff I did while I was MIA: driving driving driving, cooking cooking cooking (pot roast and red potatoes, a million cheese twists, dip, spinach salad, black bean chili, pasta salad with awesome ingredients such as black olives, sundried tomatoes, mozzarella), collapsing in a ball of fiery pain (hopefully not a new holiday tradition), watching old movies and weeping ("African Queen," "Desk Set," "Lilies of the Field"), setting up a hammock on my front porch and cursing a huge amount, shoveling a ton of snow, answering the door to my elderly neighbor wearing leopard print pyjamas (me, not him), sending coffee cards to clients, and...yes. Decorating. Let's take a tour, shall we?

My Elderly Neighbor Helped Me Out By Plowing My Drive with His Backhoe and His Bobcat (machine, not wild animal)! (This was great, despite the collateral damage.)
BEFORE AFTERMANTEL #1
MANTEL #2
ANATOMY OF A CRAFTER'S MADNESS: STAGE 1 Okay, it started out small and benign. I decided to make some little birds' nests out of cinnamon sticks and star anise. Sure, doesn't everyone rise up out of bed, stretch, and decide to make some little birds' nests out of cinnamon sticks and star anise? Here they are, unadorned, looking like nature's little go-go cages:
ANATOMY OF A CRAFTER'S MADNESS: STAGE 2 So, I ended up making an adorable little nest/wee basket:
ANATOMY OF A CRAFTER'S MADNESS: STAGE 3 And then, I looked at that adorable little nest/wee basket and I thought to myself, "What that thing needs is a weird-looking completely drunk elf."
ANATOMY OF A CRAFTER'S MADNESS: STAGE 4 And, I finished making the weird-looking completely drunk elf, and I put it in the little nest/wee basket, and I stood back and I said to myself, "Well, I'll be a monkey's uncle. That looks EXACTLY like something I would buy as a gag gift at a Salvation Army." And yet, and yet: I LIKE IT. It is why I am a mad crafter.HERE! HAVE SOME GLOWING HEARTS (really reflections of lights, but we'll say they're glowing hearts)!SOMEONE RECEIVED A TOY...AN INTRIGUING TOYI MYSELF RECEIVED SEVERAL INTERESTING GIFTS
...INCLUDING A BOOK OF UNDERWATER PHOTOGRAPHS BY A GUY WHO CLEARLY SAID, "WHAT THE HELL CAN I PUT AT THE BOTTOM OF THE SPRINGS AND TAKE A PICTURE OF?"...AND I RECEIVED SOMETHING THAT BACON ACE SHOULD HAVE. BACON: IF YOU WANT IT, LET ME KNOW AND I WILL GIVE IT TO YOU.(My sister gave me this because when I was 10, for reasons that are a mystery to myself, I wrote "Jesus loves bacon" and drew a little wavy slice of bacon on the cover of my notebook. No idea why. My grandmother was not amused.)
AND, FINALLY--YES...MORE DECORATIONS I MADE
A wreath made from an old picture frame and some stuff
SHE LAY ON THE COUCH AND QUESTIONED MY SANITY AMIDST THE DECORATING... HOPE YOU'RE ALL SURVIVING--AND/OR ENJOYING--THE HOLIDAYS! IF YOU WERE HERE, I'D GIVE YOU EGGNOG. OR A DRUNKEN ELF. MY CHOICE!

BE WELL.

Stuff I'd Rather Be Doing

2008-12-19T04:53:00.001-08:00

1) Threading popcorn.
2) Making weird-looking evil elves.
3) Putting peanuts out for squirrels.
4) Looking for box of ornaments in basement.
5) Deploying eucalyptus branches.
6) Figuring out Christmas menu.
7) Putting logs in basement.
8) Taking dog for nice long walk before snow.
9) Deploying lights.
10) Doing push-ups, preparing for snow shoveling.
11) Locating PamTM no-stick cooking spray to apply to shovel.
12) Figuring out better cover for log pile
13) Endlessly going to USPS.com and tracking packages that appear to just be sitting still "processed and ready for shipping."
14) Playing with hot glue gun.
15) Decorating tree with dinosaurs.
16) Sorting through paper work.
17) Re-organizing closet.
18) Sending cards and coffee gift certificates to clients.
19) Writing something good for blog.
20) Tape-recording dog's snoring.

Anything you'd rather be doing today? Any whichaway, have a great Friday and weekend!

Hot Tip, TravelDialogues, Girl's Navy Mascot

2008-12-18T05:40:00.000-08:00

HOT TIP
The hot glue gun is the greatest tool known to humanity. Having overcome my lifelong fear of hotgluing my arms to the sides of my body, I am now hotgluing the world around me. Nothing is safe. Be warned.

TRAVELDIALOGUES
The Magazine
Me (on plane, reading magazine)
Woman Next to Me: "How are you enjoying your MAGAZINE?"
Me (looking up smiling): "Oh, it's just fine."
Woman Next to Me: "I have to tell you that I have never read a magazine in my whole life. Never."
Me (thinking "Why do you have to tell me this" and smiling in confusion): "Ah! Oh ho."
Woman Next to Me: "Never. I have never read a magazine. I never would."
Me (very confused--suddenly feel like we're talking about smoking): "Well, good for you! For heaven's sake, don't take it up now."
Woman Next to Me: "No. I won't. I never would. I had brothers growing up so I NEVER read a magazine. Not a one."
Me (unsure of connection, think she means she was a tomboy): "Wow! Well, how many brothers do you have?"
Woman (defiantly): "TWO!"
Me: "Well, grand."
Woman: "I would NEVER read a magazine."
Me (feeling rebellious): "What about NATIONAL GEOGRAPHIC?"
Woman: "NEVER."
Me: "Okay!" (Go back to reading magazine.)

The Elevator
Me (traveling up in elevator)
Boop--elevator stops on Floor 16, doors open, two middle-aged guys are standing there looking shocked
Guy 1: "Oops! Are you going up?"
Me: "Yep."
Guy 2: "Sorry! We're going down. We musta pushed the wrong button here."
Me: "No problem!"
Guy 1: "It's like we're controlling the elevators! Like Darth Vader! LUKE, I AM YOUR FATHER!"
Me: "HA! It's okay. I'm off."
Boop--doors close. Boop--doors open.
Guy 1: "Holy crap. It doesn't want to go up. What'd we do?"
Guy 2: "It's Princess Leia!"
Me: "HA! It's okay. I'm off."
Boop--doors close. Boop--doors open.
Both men are slinking over to the opposite bank of elevators, where one "down" elevator has opened.
Guy 1: "SORRY! We didn't touch anything!"
Me: "Surrrrre you didn't."
Guy 2: "No, really!"
Me: "Have a good one!"
Boop--doors close. Boop--doors open, revealing empty corridor. Sparkle steps out of elevator, hits up button outside elevator, steps back in, elevator proceeds up.

MEET THE NEW MASCOT OF THE GIRL'S NAVY: THE MYSTICAL BAT WOMAN! (I will be getting a tattoo of this, this...prehistoric alien wearing a dashiki)

Scenes from Last Week

2008-12-15T06:23:00.000-08:00

Vacation Tips
1) Never get sick while you are on vacation.
2) Never go into a national park service bathroom while you are sick while you are on vacation.
3) Take lots of pictures, whether you are sick or not. When you get back home, you will then have the fun of sorting the pictures into "Before I Needed to Pay $18 for Pepto Bismal" and "After I Needed to Pay $18 for Pepto Bismal" piles. These are the Before ones.

Smokey the Bear!

Non-Specific "Beware" Sign of Limited Utility!
Many Helpful Cautions, Yet Pepto Bismal Needfulness is Glaringly Absent
Super Fun Big Game: Tilt Your Head to Simulate How I Felt When Sick
Sneaker. Sand. Sandneaker.
Stuff I Don't See At Home #1

Shhhhhh! No, really. SHH!
Stuff I Don't See At Home #2
Petroglyphs!
Sky Petroglyphs!
Stairs!

Pool!

Cool Bush!

Hiding Tree!

Woodsy Owl!

Craggy Stuff!I Just Like This!

I Also Just Like This!

Creepy Mannequin #1! The Uniforms Worn by Howard Hughes' Stewardesses!
Creepy Mannequin #2! The Flight Suit Worn by Howard Hughes!I Love a Diorama!
On the Homefront #1: Wilderness Camera Captures Deer!
On the Homefront #2: My Christmas Tree for the Birds

Hope all is well wherever you are roaming!

Derrumba su bloque!!! Fais tomber sa tete!!!

2008-12-05T05:18:00.000-08:00

NEWS BULLETIN #1: I WANNA ROCK!
Aiiiie! This week, in between making 800 rose hip garlands (don't ask--sometimes I get a little carried away with "threading crafts") and glancing at my stack of work, I bought two most excellent games. Here's Game #1. Ball Flying Button Smashing ACTION! Mercy! Mercy on us! Ya know what this game is, right?

And, here's Game #2.Woo-hoo! I never had this one when I was a kid. Let's get a close-up look, shall we? Me: I like to read this in Spanish because it sounds even MORE exciting (doesn't seem possible, yes?) than the English version. Golpes Demoledorrrrrrres (I'm not sure, but that sounds more like "Hands of Death" than "Pile Driving Jabs" to me!)! Los Robots Luchadorrrrrres!
So, I sat back and I BEAMED with pleasure at the sight of my two new games.
And then, I looked around and I thought: "Oh, shit. Where's the adult to put them together?"

NEWS BULLETIN #2: YOU THOUGHT YOU HAD A ROUGH DAY? (FRONT YARD TRUE CONFESSIONS)
UPS Helper Guy (wearing "plainclothes," loping off truck with two packages, uniformed UPS guy remains slumped behind the wheel, motor idling): "Oh, uh."
Sparkle (standing in front yard with Lily on leash): "HI! Could you please put those on the front step? How are ya today?"
UPS Helper Guy (loping down walk to front step): "Dude. I'm not good. This morning, first thing, dude, I fell off the truck, landed hard on my butt, and split my pants up the back."
Sparkle: "NO!"
UPS Helper Guy (placing package on step): "Yeah. I've been going around with them all day like this. You want me to put the boxes down here, so you can open the door?"
Sparkle: "Sure. Thanks! Hey, do you want a needle and thread or something?"
UPS Helper Guy (stops, lowers voice, gleam of hope in his eye): "Uh, do you have one I could borrow?"
Irate muttering is now heard from uniformed UPS guy slumped behind wheel: "Mwah MWAH MWAH MWAH."
UPS Helper Guy: "OH. GEEZ. We gotta keep moving. Man, I could actually use a little sewing machine for this [moving toward truck rapidly, tugging sweatshirt down over butt]. I've been pulling this down all day like this. It makes it hard to get stuff down from the truck."
Sparkle: "I cannot see a THING. I would never have known if you hadn't told me."
UPS Helper Guy: "I hope that's true for those nuns."

NEWS BULLETIN #3: MY NEW HERO
[The scene: Auto mechanic. The action: Sitting and waiting for my car to be inspected. I am talking to a house builder.]
House Builder: "So, I'm in Maine and I'm up on the roof finishing it up, and the guy from next door walks over to me with this little black thing in his hand."
Sparkle: "What was it?"
House Builder: "Keiko!"
Sparkle: "Awwwww!"
House Builder: "And the guy says, 'This is the runt of the litter. I got no use for it. I'm going to drown it."
Sparkle: "NO!"
House Builder: "Yep. And I say, "The HELL you're going to drown him! How much you getting for the rest of that litter? And, he says: '$300 each--they're purebred chows.' And I say, 'I'll give you that right now in cash, you hand me that puppy.' And, he says '$100 bucks if you get it out of my hair today.' Keiko and I haven't been apart since, right Keiko boy? I don't think he's a purebred--I think he's part lab--but that don't make a difference, does it Keiko? [Keiko wanders over, wagging tail, briefly considers lifting leg against waiting room couch.] Be nice, Keiko!" [Keiko stops lifting his leg, comes over, wagging tail.]

NEWS BULLETIN #4: SPARKLE TRIES TO BE A HERO
Driving down a little side street. A frail, elderly woman is slowly pushing a shopping cart along. It is very windy. A cloth shopping bag FLIES out of her cart and starts tumbling down the road. I pull my car over, stop, put it in park, run across street, grab bag, and run back to the woman with it.
Sparkle (out of breath): "Here you go!"
Frail Elderly Woman (looking shocked): "NO, NO, NO! You go ahead and keep it. You earned it."
Elderly woman is very decisive. Trot back to car, wondering if elderly woman thought I was so desperate for a shopping bag I stopped car and ran after it? Wonder if she thinks I am a shopping bag mugger? Mulling this over, almost run frail elderly woman down as she stands in crosswalk.

HAVE A GREAT WEEKEND!

I Forgot to Buy Jellybeans: TGiving '08

2008-11-29T09:23:00.000-08:00

Tuesday, November 25
1) Find out I'm cooking for six people day after tomorrow.
2) Fret briefly, then start making lists.
3) Suddenly realize that there are little stacks of papers everywhere.
4) Start cleaning.
5) Stop cleaning and start making little tableaux of dinosaurs.6) Start cleaning.
7) Stop cleaning and decide to make arrangement on mantel.
8) Start cleaning.
9) Stop cleaning because dog is looking especially adorable as she maintains a Turkey Vigil--gazing out window, waiting for turkeys to show up.* Try to take dog's picture. Wags tail but will not look towards camera. Also seems to exude some kind of dense puppy fog that makes all pictures very hazy.
10) Start cleaning.
11) Stop cleaning due to sudden fear that people will get bored--despite fact that people are all family of one kind or another and unlikely to get bored. Assemble games and activities, including concertina (third shelf down), on which it is immediately possible to play a very effective soulful tune.
12) Night falls across the land (with an audible thud). Decide to light fire. Flue somehow remains partially closed. House fills with smoke. Smoke alarm keeps blurting, "Warn-ing. Fi-re. Fi-re. Car-bon Mo-no-xide." Close fire doors. Open all windows. Take down smoke alarm, which is not helping situation, and remove batteries. Open back door. Dog--deathly afraid of smoke alarms and smoke (possibly from something that happened in Old Country)--remains in back yard in semi-fetal position, staring reproachfully up at me. Open fire doors. Poke flue open. Close fire doors. Close some windows. Re-open some windows. Spray air freshener. Coax dog inside by frolicking playfully at the bottom of the deck stairs, hands full of treats and toys. Frolic awkwardly into pile of puppy poo lurking amidst leaves overlooked during earlier yard clean-up. Dog saunters up the deck stairs and into house in relaxed fashion. I remain in semi-fetal position in yard trying to clean shoes off.
13) Call it a night.

Wednesday, November 26
1) Watch Deep-Fried Turkey Snuff Film--recommended by Clinky--several times with increasing degrees of alarm.
2) Make final menu and shopping list:
Chex Party Mix, Parmesan Cheese 'n Herb Twists, Tiny Carrots, Giant Olives
Exploding Fireball Deep-Fried Turkey
Mashed potatoes w/cheddar 'n chives
Gravy
Stuffing w/walnuts for vegetarians
Stuffing w/sausage for non-vegetarians
Roasted butternut squash 'n sweet potatoes w/arugula & herbs
Marinated green beans w/red onion, garlic, & mint
Spinach salad w/green apples, feta cheese, and caramelized pecans
Cranberry sauce w/fresh pineapple & orange; Jellied cranberry sauce for traditionalists
Primavera sauce w/spaghetti squash for vegetarians
Pumpkin cheesecake
3) Go grocery shopping. Am captivated by happy, happy peppers. "Yaay! We're Tasty!"
4) Keep poking turkey in refrigerator to determine whether it is becoming a breeding ground for lethal bacteria OR is dangerously undefrosted and will become a fireball when slowly immersed in a vast quantity of boiling oil. Jot down list of things to save when fire breaks out. Find that Chex Party Mix tops list.
5) Start prepping and cooking and do not stop until 10:00 p.m. Would have taken 15 minutes, had I not paused to take meaningless pictures. Thursday, November 27
1) During cleaning process, turkey fryer proves to have an immense leak NOT conducive to safely boiling vast quantities of oil.
2) After consulting the Google, Plan B is swiftly hatched to follow the current vogue for "High Heat Roasting." Make sure oven is clean, salt and pepper the turkey inside and out, cook the turkey at 450 or 500 degrees for 2 hours or until proper temperature is reached, and that's it. Is supposed to result in most delectable turkey ever. Casting aside grave doubts that this sounds like a cockamamie scheme I could easily come up with entirely on my own--"There's no time! I'll jack the heat up!"--I decide to go for it.
3) Harebrained--yet apparently extremely popular--turkey scheme works just fine.
4) Food eaten in approximately 5 minutes. Any leftovers go home with guests.
Friday, November 28
1) Turkeys show up for breakfast and dinner, as usual. However, a head count reveals four less turkeys than before. Hmm.

The Shopping List

2008-11-25T07:03:00.000-08:00

I just found out that I'm cooking Thanksgiving dinner for 6 people.

Yep. That's actually something you can "just find out" two days before.

So: I have the turkey. No. It is not one of the ones below. It is frozen. It is eighteen pounds. It will be fried. I'm kinda hoping the turkeys don't drop by while that's happening. It could be awkward.

Now, I need to go shopping for everything else. Lemme make my list.

SHOPPING LIST
Stuff to make Chex Party Mix

Do I need other stuff, too?

Naw.

INVASION OF THE TURKEYS!!!

2008-11-20T17:47:00.001-08:00

Send help! Send stuffing! Send cranberries! And Pie!

My Favorite Super Hero

2008-11-20T06:50:00.000-08:00

In YouTube years, this is way old (from January)--but, I really like it. And, come to think of it, I could use some pancakes this morning.

My Trip to the Mechanic!

2008-11-19T09:07:00.001-08:00

I was at the auto mechanic for two and a half hours today!
Part I: Back in the Day
Very Young Female Employee: "Are you looking at a music book over there?"
(Note: I was sitting there reading an accordion song and working out the fingering.)
Sparkle: "Heh. Yes."
Very Young Woman: "What do you play?"
Sparkle: "I'm teaching myself the accordion again. I put it down for awhile and am trying to pick it up again. I was really bad at music at school, but I wanted to try to learn more now."
Very Young Woman: "Cool! I play the bass and the guitar."
Sparkle: "Wow! That's great! Do you have a band?"
Very Young Woman: "Way back in the day, I wanted to start one. I never did."
(Note: The very young woman is 19 years old.)
Sparkle: "But, it is still 'back in the day' for you."
Very Young Woman: "Yeah. I guess that's true."
Sparkle: "You should start one!"
Very Young Woman: "Yeah."
Sparkle: "It's still back in the day--it's just some days it doesn't feel like it."
Very Young Woman: "Yeah."
(To sum up: It is still back in the day for that very young woman. Do you know what I mean by that? And, when she refers to the day that is back I am not sure which day she means. Might be kindergarten, might be first grade. Either way, I hope she starts a band. It is still "back in the day.")

Part II: The Tyertoya
Sparkle: "Can you practice golf inside during the winter somehow?"
Cacciarone: 10 minute monologue re: golf, indoor golf, golf courses, buddies who take golfing road trips and make scrapbooks about their trips, work, $500 boots of son who plays Dungeons and Dragons and dresses up, the U.S. Marine Corps, the very rich and the very poor, foreign cars, and..."Remember that hail storm this summer?"
Sparkle: "I wuh--"
Cacciarone: "Exactly! My car got hit by these big hunks of hail. Fortunately, they didn't do too much damage. Now, my wife's Tyertoya REALLY got hit by those things."
Sparkle: "Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. Your poor wife. Her...She..." (not sure what part of his wife was injured)
Cacciarone: "Yeah, her Tyertoya really got dented."
Sparkle: "OH! Her TYERTOYA!"
Cacciarone: "Yeah. What do you have?"
Sparkle: "A miterbooshi!"
Cacciarone: "Ah, yeah. How do you like it?"
(Note: I'm not making fun of the way he said Toyota--it was actually pretty cool. In any event, I'm in no position to make fun. Everyone--including my own sister, who knows better--now says that I sound like I'm from Minnesota. I don't even know what sounds are coming out of my mouth anymore.)

Part III: The Newfoundland
Sparkle: "Can I pet him?"
Lady in waiting room with 500 pound Newfoundland dog: "Oh, sure. He'd love that."
Sparkle: "I have a little black dog who's..."
Lady: "The size of his head?"
Sparkle: "No, but a whole lot smaller than him--except her feet are about his size."
Lady: "What is she?"
Sparkle: "Ah, a mix of some stuff. I guess a spaniellabriever."
Lady: "Ha! I like that."
Sparkle: "Very sweet dog."
Lady: "He only gets mad when we're driving around and the people in other cars point at him and laugh. He doesn't like being laughed at."
Sparkle: "I don't blame him a bit. Who does?"
Lady: "Yeah. He starts barking."
Sparkle: "Good for him. It's very bad manners."
Lady: "Yeah!"
Sparkle: "Bet they wouldn't laugh if they were standing right next to him."
Lady: "Yeah!"

To sum up: I was at the auto mechanic for two and a half hours today!

P.S. Stay tuned for further nail-biting, edge-of-your-seat adventures! When I got home, I noticed that they'd typed a suggestion that I get something else done on my bill--but they didn't tell me about it. I mean, it's my bad for not noticing they were suggesting additional repairs, but why didn't they just TELL me then and there that my sway bar links in front have some play? I mean, I'm assuming that means they're not just frisky but actively hazardous in some way and must be fixed? Schmur.

Winter

2008-11-13T08:37:00.000-08:00

It's Officially Raccoon Week!

2008-11-12T05:17:00.000-08:00

Raccoon Week is a Subsidiary of Stuck With A Comb Catering, Gallery, and Gift Shoppe! (Note: I could happily gaze at the picture in the banner all day. It is kinda restful.)

Good Night and Good Morning

2008-11-06T08:14:00.001-08:00

Good Night!Good Morning! Juice?

Science, Nudists, Soup, and Hair!

2008-11-05T10:07:00.000-08:00

At long last! Science studies the nudists! It is so easy to overlook them...Shhh...don't startle them--here they are relaxed and completely unposed in their natural environment. Note the nudist seated on the ground. Okay, Science: Please tell me why this nudist is wearing shoes. Shy feet? The Soup You Must Eat, When You Must Eat It...Tragically, the side and bottom of this ad were nipped off by someone's scanner, so I'll never know what to put in my sandwiches in the "Lunch for the Boys" menu. What goes best with Scotch Broth? Underwood Devil Spread? (I love this ad.)
The Scary World of Hair Part I: Rasputin Gets Nowhere Near My Head I don't care if he IS world-famous hairdresser John Garrison. Note that the woman whose hair he's washing is keeping her eyes open--gals don't do that, they just don't keep their eyes open while their hair is being washed unless they feel like they'll need to leap up off the sudsing throne, spray beard-o in the face with Aqua-Net, and beat a hasty retreat.
Aw, C'mon. Men Never Had or Have Bad Hair Days Like This*...*I've had plenty of bad hair days myself, but the only day that my hair looked like this was when I was helping my friend put up some fly paper and the fly paper got stuck in my hair.

Happy New Comix Day/Wednesday!

Halloween Got A Little Out of Control This Year

2008-11-03T05:23:00.000-08:00

What are you lookin' at? Are you lookin' at ME?

2008-10-29T07:15:00.000-07:00

Yesterday, I did some grocery shopping in the late afternoon. Few things to pick up. Milk. Some cider. Salad for dinner. Like that. There were only a few people around--some elderly people, a sprinkling of moms with their kids in the little cars attached to shopping carts, some guys who looked like they work construction and just got out of work.

As I sashayed up and down the aisles, everybody was STARING at me. Now if it was just the guys, I'd feel a little, y'know, slinky. If it was just the moms, I'd think they were bored and in need of some adult chat. If it was just the elderly, I'd think they'd need me to hook a box of something off a high shelf--a feat I planned to execute by climbing on the bottom shelf and lurching drunkenly at the top shelf until I managed to either pull down the shelving or snagged the box.

Yet, nobody seemed to WANT anything from me. They were just staring at me. Weird. Inexplicable. Bizarro.

Wait. Booger hanging from nose? Negative. Huh. Weird. I get to the checkout. The cashier is cordial, doesn't stare. The bag boy is dissolving in giggles for no particularly good reason. I assume he is high or "special, bless his heart for trying," as my grandmother might phrase it.

I'm cheery. I complete my transaction.

Walk to my car. Start to open the door to stow the groceries, catch a glimpse of myself in the window of the car. AH. AH-ha. So, yesterday when my friend had the "procedure," she gave me this little "America's Top Model" doll that she got in her happy meal. Last week, I copped to the fact that I occasionally watch the show until I have to quickly change the channel because someone's being really bitchy.

So, what do you do when your friend is doped up from a procedure and you want to make her laugh? RIGHT! You stick the doll down the front of your blouse so the doll's head is popping out of your cleavage!

Lesson #1: Who knew? Dolls' heads popping out of your cleavage make people stare.
Lesson #2: I'm "special, bless my heart for trying."

Have a great day.

Endoscopy Scoopy

2008-10-28T19:35:00.000-07:00

I accompanied a friend on her Adventure with Endoscopy today. As always, you can count on me to give you the scoopy.

1) Anything called a "procedure" is not fun.
2) If you find yourself waiting in a recovery ward, sitting on a chair, you will find that it is impossible not to invade people's privacy:
Sit. Sit. Wait for friend to wake up. What's that noise? NAW. Don't look over at that lady there, let's give her some privacy. No, let's look over here. CRAP. No. Abort mission. Let's NOT look at THAT guy. Eyes on floor. Eyes on floor. Gooood, goooood. Whoa...whoa...gurney about to roll over feet. Look up--augh! Same guy! Now on gurney! Evasive maneuvers! Evasive maneuvers! And, here we go...invading lady's privacy again. Okay. "Soiled Linen Closet." Let's just sit here and stare at the door of the "Soiled Linen Closet." Neutral. Non-invasive. And...
3) The term "Soiled Linen Closet" conjures very disturbing mental images. Just keep your eyes closed.
4) It is easier to find your way through hospitals when you are on drugs.
5) Sure--you can call the hospital cafeteria a "bistro." Yet, that does not make it any less of a hospital cafeteria. Let's just call the whole damn hospital a "Procedure Bistro."
6) Dear Hospital Supervisors: Why do you always pick the person who has the most trouble pronouncing names to go and collect people from a waiting room? Do you sit in your special VIP area of the "bistro" and watch the hilarity ensue?
7) Signs that say I can't eat, drink, or talk on the phone make me want to eat, drink, talk on the phone, and smoke--even though I don't smoke.
8) When you have to go to a special phone and push a special button to "confirm your information" and answer endless questions posed by a disembodied voice of authority, it kind of makes it perfect when the button you have to push is covered in red tape. Reeeed taaaaape.
9) Having Martha Stewart cooking holiday pies on the television in the middle of a roomful of people who have been denied food and water is kinda cruel.

R.I.P. Tony Hillerman

2008-10-27T17:01:00.000-07:00

Happy Birthday to Johnny Carson & His Golf Swing!

2008-10-23T06:22:00.000-07:00

ZOIKS!

2008-10-20T08:30:00.000-07:00

What Have You Bookmarked Lately?

2008-10-17T07:43:00.000-07:00

1) THE MOVIELAND WAX MUSEUM AND PALACE OF LIVING ART(I'm so depressed--it closed in 2006 and they auctioned everything off. QUESTION: WHO BOUGHT THE WAX FIGURES???) Check out this link to see some cool/creepy tableaux from the museum when it was open.2) "THE CREEPY JOY OF COOKING WITH VINCENT PRICE"--Here's a great article about Vincent Price and his love of cuisine.
3) BIGGIE THE BENTO BOX LUNCH LADY! I LOVE HER LITTLE LUNCHES AND WOULD LIKE HER TO MAKE ME ONE EVERY DAY. You can check out Biggie's recipes, lunches, and tips here, as well as her sample "airplane snack boxes."
4) THE REAL DEADWOOD Yep. I used to watch "Deadwood," and I figured that most of it was heavily embroidered. I was wrong. Legends of America and The Adams Deadwood Museum have even more exotic tales to tell and great photographs.
THE CHINESE FIRE DEPARTMENT5) SLOBOT ABOUT TOWN: A ROBOT GUY SHOWS US BEAUTIFUL SPARTANBURG, SOUTH CAROLINA! I cannot get enough of Slobot. I hope he adds more tours.

Wilderness Spy Cam Part 2!

2008-10-11T09:03:00.000-07:00

The Week In Review: Buys Blouse, Sees Deer, Watches Debate

2008-10-03T10:11:00.000-07:00

SPARKLE BUYS FREAKISH VICTORIAN MONKEY BLOUSE!
Sparkle: "Hi!"
Store Clerk: "Hi!"
Sparkle (picking up freakishly tiny garment): "Wow! What a cute shirt for a tiny little kid!"
Store Clerk: "That is not for a child."
Sparkle: "Really? Who's it for? It's kind of like...something a tiny Victorian monkey would wear...Or a doll..."
Store Clerk: "It stretches to fit anyone."
Sparkle: "What th'?!" (carefully stretches blouse) "Well, I'll be danged! You're right."
To sum up: Sparkle now owns something a tiny Victorian monkey would wear.
SEES A DEER IN FRONT YARD! (Sorry about lousy pictures. I know--looks like it could be a chupacabra, not a deer.)To sum up: Some week, I will get a GOOD picture of a deer. Not this week.

WATCHES DEBATE!
I'm definitely voting for Obama and O'Biden 'cause I betcha O'Biden is a leprechaun who can grant me wishes and probably has a lucky pot o' gold that will help bail Main Street and Wall Street out of their fundamental fiscal woes!!! (Also: I betcha he has lucky charms that might even be magically delicious!)

To sum up: Joe Six-Pack likes frosted Lucky Charms 'cause they're magically delicious!

Have a great weekend!

The Library Book Comment Sheet

2008-09-29T07:46:00.000-07:00

National Punctuation Day...

2008-09-23T11:30:00.000-07:00

My blog writing lately is like what happens when an ellipsis is used at the end of a sentence (aka "a trailing off into silence...")... Traiiiiiliiiiing offfffff intooooo sileeeeence... That's me... What can I say... The ellipsis is one of my absolutely favorite punctuation marks...

I think I'll try to make an ellipsis cake in honor of National Punctuation Day tomorrow... Aw, heck... Maybe I'll just go buy three cupcakes and line 'em up on a plate instead...

Here's some stuff you need to know...

This is the National Punctuation Day Meatloaf, which might resemble meatloaf, a question mark, or an intestine--I'm not sure which one it is, but I do like the idea of a Punctuation Day meatloaf and the woman looks very nice.Here's some advice if you have an addiction to using the ellipsis (not like me or anything...)...

And, here's a very neatly edited letter...

I Been Thinkin' (and that's always dangerous)

2008-09-07T09:19:00.000-07:00

1) I was drinking this stuff called "Vitamin Water" today. I'm pretty sure it's nicely packaged and hyped Kool-Aid, but let's draw a gentle veil over that part. It's supposed to have "Dragonfruit" in it. HUH. Immediately, I was suspicious. Ain't no such thing. Ever had a "dragonfruit jelly" and peanut butter sandwich? How about dragonfruit pie? Dragonfruit leather? Yes, well. I was wrong. There is such a thing as dragonfruit (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pitaya), and it can turn your pee and poop red. It's unclear whether it also breathes fire, kills knights, and flies through the sky. Perhaps I should add that to the wikipedia article in case it might be true.

2) I have decided that elderly people are never deaf. They fake deafness because they are old, they get bored with conversations easily and want to change the topic quickly, and they are damnably sick and tired of listening to other people. They've spent 80 years listening, and now it's their frickin' turn to talk. So, you get:

"Lovely day, isn't it?"
"My elbow hurts."
"Oh, sorry to hear about that. What happened to it?"
"John McCain? Now that you bring him up, I want to tell you that he reminds me of my Uncle Timmy. Uncle Timmy was a forest ranger and he blazed some mighty trails across our national parks."
"WOW! That's really interesting, what parks did he work in?"
"I have a chillblain."
(In soft little voice): "He worked in Chillblain National Park?"
"What the heck are you talking about? There's no Chillblain National Park!"

See what I mean? I tell you this as a warning. Do NOT mutter around elderly people who are "deaf."

3) I been readin'. I been readin' a whole lot of stuff for work. In fact, I used a whole ream of paper printing stuff out in a day. This might be a record for me. Then, I was too tired to go out and buy more paper and started looking disconsolately about for something else I could use. Finding: There is really nothing that can substitute for paper. Even if it is "paper-ish," such as toilet paper or paper towels. Nothin' doin'. Anyway, to be edu-ma-cat-tion-al, here are some excerpts and titles of some of the articles in the U.S. Department of Agriculture's journal, "Amber Waves." Enjoy.

a. "Today's hog sector bears little resemblance to the one that existed 15 years ago."
Ed. Note: Why? Did it grow a beard?

b. "Traditional Food Retailers Bite Back with Differentiation Strategies"
Ed. Note: The person who wrote this has been waiting a lifetime to use that line.

c. "Five of the top 10 mango-producing countries are ineligible to export to the United States."
Ed. Note: Forget the mangos, jack, I want me some dragon fruit!

d. "Why Has Japan's Orange Market Declined?"
Ed. Note: I dunno. What did you ask it to do?

e. "Whey, Once a Marginal Byproduct, Comes Into Its Own"
Ed. Note: FINALLY!

2008-09-03T07:30:00.000-07:00

Labor Day

2008-09-01T07:31:00.000-07:00

It's Labor Day, so Lily and I are taking some time off. Although I have a deadline to work toward later, she and I are kickin' back at the moment. Here's a picture of Lily especially for Jayne and her mum:
It is very enjoyable to watch Lily wade out and sit down in the water. She looks kind of like a very old man at the seashore...The end effect? Why, a lily pad growing in the water, of course!

I'll be doing this:
We'll be thinkin' about all of the people who have worked, 'though, and some people who have lost their lives workin'. (Note: I will be thinking about that; Lily will be thinking her own thoughts--likely stuff about vole extermination.)
Studs Terkel tells ya stuff!

Time To Go To Work!

Workin'

Workin'