This is a tough tune to play. I need eight hands and only have two hands. Yet I am judged harshly.
Dear Jayne: Love Always, Sparkle
Through this blog, I have been very fortunate to virtually meet a lot of funny, creative, and talented people. In addition to the sizable army of Russian spammers who enjoy frequenting this blog (I like to call them "spamniks" or "spamonauts"), people have visited from Holland, Portugal, Canada, the U.K., all over the U.S., Japan, India, and who knows where? If you use "private browsing," I certainly do not know where. I hope it's pleasant wherever you are.
Anyway, Jayne, here's the thing. When I think about the bloggers I've encountered, I picture a big dark globe and all of you bloggers are these bright little lights twinkling across the dark globe. There are the Canada lights, the California lights, the Massachusetts lights, the New York lights, the Florida light, South Carolina, New Orleans, Maine, Arizona, England, Wales. Yada Yada. As the box that Lily holds below says: "Each lamp burns independently."
There you all are, lamps burning bright, twinkling across the dark
globe, creating. So funny, such great writers, talented artists, gifted photographers, there you all are. In the peak time when we were all blogging a lot, the
collective, connected glow from us all felt very bright and warm. It made the globe less dark. And behind each of those lights, all of you
have big, real lives that go beyond that twinkling. I know a little bit
about some of you, and I know a little bit about you, Jayne. What I know about you has given me tremendous respect for you--as a mother, as a daughter, as a wife, and a really strong person with the best and darkest sense of humor I've ever experienced. Here's one of my favorite comments that you made on my blog once: "Be careful if you try and laugh gaily whilst throwing your head back in a becoming female manner. When I tried it, something clicked in my neck, I fell over, and I squashed a plate of ham sandwiches."
So, Jayne: Today I learned that you died. That feels incredibly unfair to me. I sit here sending good thoughts to your family. And I sit here thinking about you. Because I am thinking about you, I will do two things. I will ask people to consider donating their organs, because you asked them to consider doing that. And Jayne, I will tell you this: I will always remember you, I will never forget you, and your light will always be there twinkling across the dark globe for me. (Note: I believe you would be the first to point out that it would actually be a lot better to still be alive. I agree.)
Anyway, Jayne, here's the thing. When I think about the bloggers I've encountered, I picture a big dark globe and all of you bloggers are these bright little lights twinkling across the dark globe. There are the Canada lights, the California lights, the Massachusetts lights, the New York lights, the Florida light, South Carolina, New Orleans, Maine, Arizona, England, Wales. Yada Yada. As the box that Lily holds below says: "Each lamp burns independently."
So, Jayne: Today I learned that you died. That feels incredibly unfair to me. I sit here sending good thoughts to your family. And I sit here thinking about you. Because I am thinking about you, I will do two things. I will ask people to consider donating their organs, because you asked them to consider doing that. And Jayne, I will tell you this: I will always remember you, I will never forget you, and your light will always be there twinkling across the dark globe for me. (Note: I believe you would be the first to point out that it would actually be a lot better to still be alive. I agree.)
Incredible Infographics Explained by Algernon
Um, yeah. I am, um, Algernon. Others often volunteer me to do unpleasant things, and I am often sad about that. Today, it is my sad and unpleasant duty to try to explain this infographic.
Everybody should just eat cheese and not fight each other or get zapped by electricity. Eat Cheese.
Okay, my top 5 Takeaways are:
- Mice have nervous breakdowns? My heart has never ached for mice as much as it does right now.
- But, instead of having a nervous breakdown, that mouse looks like it got a cheap thrill by pressing the button. I am now very confused. I might be heading for a nervous breakdown involving pools of tears.
- Being an easy victim of Hitler looks hard: You gotta hold one leg up at a 90 degree angle. Ow. And only Hitler got to have hair--kind of a Donald Trump-like "Hair Awning," but at least hair.
- The Germans were very confused when the mouse became very confused and that caused WWII.
- At least the mouse got some cheese for awhile, man. Everybody else gets bubkes here.
Everybody should just eat cheese and not fight each other or get zapped by electricity. Eat Cheese.
Incredible Infographics Explained by Cappy
Hello! Cappy here. I've been known to hit the sauce a bit because everyone knows it is great for stress and general good times. So, I'll just give you a second to go mix me up a Harvey Wallbanger, and then we'll get started. As we know, Vitamin C is crucial to our health--so mix one up for you, too.
Thanks! Here's mud in your eye! Let's take a look at this Incredible Infographic and figure out our key takeaways. I think that...WAIT A GOSH DARN MINUTE HERE...what the heckamire is this?
Oh...whew. Sorry for flying off the handle. I think I've got this thing figured out. I was not hitherto familiar with the word "alcoholism," but alcoholism must be when you are lacking access to alcohol. Now this thing makes sense. Here are my key takeaways, and I'm sure they're yours, too...
1) #1 frame is missing a verb and some key words. "Educate community to sympathetic understanding." I would edit this to say: "Educate community to achieve a sympathic understanding that Cappy needs alcohol."
2) #2 frame is pretty straightforward. If Cappy gets sick, "Make medical treatment available and have a hot nurse bring Cappy a nice, big glass of booze."
3) #3 and #4 frames...that's all over my head, Professor. Where's the booze here? Stick to the point.
4) #5 frame. Now you're talkin', Professor! SUPPORT RESEARCH on how to get me more booze.
5) #6 frame. There's a frickin' TREE on top of the guy's frickin' HOUSE and he has a toxic waste-belching factory in the backyard. Whoever lives here needs a drink STAT.
TOP TAKEAWAY: I need another drink if you're gonna make me do this again. This stuff makes my mind all swimmy.
How To Write Telegrams Properly by Nelson E. Ross
Dagmar and Drew Draft A Telegram On Their Modern Word-Making Machine
Nelson E. Ross: "Naturally, there is a right way and a wrong way of wording telegrams."
Naturally!
Nelson E. Ross: "The right way is economical, the wrong way, wasteful."
Sure, okay!
Nelson E. Ross: "If the telegram is packed full of unnecessary words--words which might be omitted without impairing the sense of the message--the sender has been guilty of economic waste."
Schmeh. You just wasted 12 words in an attempt to clarify the term "unnecessary words." You, sir, YOU cannot teach me how to write a telegram. TRANSMISSION ENDED
Nelson E. Ross: "Naturally, there is a right way and a wrong way of wording telegrams."Naturally!
Nelson E. Ross: "The right way is economical, the wrong way, wasteful."
Sure, okay!
Nelson E. Ross: "If the telegram is packed full of unnecessary words--words which might be omitted without impairing the sense of the message--the sender has been guilty of economic waste."
Schmeh. You just wasted 12 words in an attempt to clarify the term "unnecessary words." You, sir, YOU cannot teach me how to write a telegram. TRANSMISSION ENDED
Gyps and Swindles to Watch Out For!
Hi-ho...Lester here! I like to maintain a sense of cautious hopefulness about life, but sometimes I read things that make me nervous.
For example, I have been catching up on current trends in crime. Things have changed a lot since my time, and I think it's good to be hopeful plus informed about possible stranger danger, y'know?
According to this pamphlet I'm reading, you people come up with some complicated schemes...I care about you, so I'll give you the list of things to watch out for:
1) "Doctor Buncombe's Magic Electro-Vitamin Belt"--I know, right? Sounds great to me, but I guess it is supposed to be a bad idea cooked up by flim-flam men...BTW: Be on the look-out for "Viola Cream," "Vit-O-Net," and "Gland-Glad," too (you don't want to know why, just take my word for it).
2) Anything that claims to cure: "Radio Ear," "Paralyzed Pores," "Germ Mask," and "Cheap Soap Complexion."
3) "Spanish Prisoner Fraud," "Canadian Slickers," and "Plantation Rackets."
4) Anyone that tries to sell you something related to "Gold from Ocean," "Height Increasing," "Hard Luck Stories," "Buried Treasures," "Popularity Contests," "Movie Screen Tests," and..."Panama Hats." I've always hoped to get a Panama hat--I think I'd look good in one--but my booklet says ix-nay, and I must say that has put the kibosh on my hopes...
Have a cautiously hopeful, yet informed, day!
1) "Doctor Buncombe's Magic Electro-Vitamin Belt"--I know, right? Sounds great to me, but I guess it is supposed to be a bad idea cooked up by flim-flam men...BTW: Be on the look-out for "Viola Cream," "Vit-O-Net," and "Gland-Glad," too (you don't want to know why, just take my word for it).
2) Anything that claims to cure: "Radio Ear," "Paralyzed Pores," "Germ Mask," and "Cheap Soap Complexion."
3) "Spanish Prisoner Fraud," "Canadian Slickers," and "Plantation Rackets."
4) Anyone that tries to sell you something related to "Gold from Ocean," "Height Increasing," "Hard Luck Stories," "Buried Treasures," "Popularity Contests," "Movie Screen Tests," and..."Panama Hats." I've always hoped to get a Panama hat--I think I'd look good in one--but my booklet says ix-nay, and I must say that has put the kibosh on my hopes...
Have a cautiously hopeful, yet informed, day!
Incredible Infographics Explained by Eli
Heigh-ho, I am Eli Ringtail-Tooter and I fight for justice every day except for Wednesdays. Each Wednesday, I bend my keen and agile legal mind to mastering the subtle art of decoupage.
Today, I'm here to explain how the pressure groups work (it's not enough to say "pressure groups," you need to say "the pressure groups"). First, what are YOUR key takeaways?
Okay: Is your takeaway that the pressure groups are stealthy, unprincipled mofos? SURE! That's one possible key takeaway. However, here are some other key takeaways:
1) You cannot have the pressure groups without a whole lot of the little rectangles and arrows.
2) If you take away the rectangles and arrows, you render the pressure groups powerless!
3) Be sure to take away the pressure groups' dark shading; they cannot be "under cover" without it.
4) Almost everyone in the pressure groups and general public is a blank-faced scary lookin' mofo.
5) Only propagandists have faces. They have two faces, plus a big diamond-shaped lollipop.
6) Are you a "front" or an "innocent"? I'm not sure which I am. It keeps me up at night.
7) Avoid all media. Death-ray-emitting radios that smite you in your armchair! Homicidal flying newspapers! Treacherously sliding billboards! Giant airborne textbooks!
Okay: Is your takeaway that the pressure groups are stealthy, unprincipled mofos? SURE! That's one possible key takeaway. However, here are some other key takeaways:
1) You cannot have the pressure groups without a whole lot of the little rectangles and arrows.
2) If you take away the rectangles and arrows, you render the pressure groups powerless!
3) Be sure to take away the pressure groups' dark shading; they cannot be "under cover" without it.
4) Almost everyone in the pressure groups and general public is a blank-faced scary lookin' mofo.
5) Only propagandists have faces. They have two faces, plus a big diamond-shaped lollipop.
6) Are you a "front" or an "innocent"? I'm not sure which I am. It keeps me up at night.
7) Avoid all media. Death-ray-emitting radios that smite you in your armchair! Homicidal flying newspapers! Treacherously sliding billboards! Giant airborne textbooks!
Incredible InfoGraphics Explained by Cappy
Ahoy there. I'm Cappy. This morning, I have already enjoyed several refreshing libations--Harvey Wallbangers, if you must know, because the orange juice is healthful in the a.m. My wits are keen, my analysis skills are laser sharp, and I am fully prepared to explain an extremely important Incredible Infographic to you!
First, what are YOUR key takeaways? I'll give you a few minutes to think about it while I go over and chat with my friend the bartender.
Okay. Are your takeaways that "Of every 20 epileptics who are not self-supporting 16 were found to be employable and of the remaining 4 one did not want to work, two according to their past records were not reliable, and only one could not work because of sickness"? WRONG! Here are the correct takeaways:
1) How are those 16 guys gonna fit into those tiny little boxes with the squiggly stuff on top?
2) How can those tiny little boxes with the squiggly stuff on top result in gainful employment?
3) Those 16 guys march well, this is true. But: Do they think they can fit in there? They worry me.
4) Mr. One Guy Who Did Not Want to Work is...Mr. SMARTEST GUY, yo! He knows he is not gonna be able to fit in those tiny little boxes. He just sits back and says, "No thanks, dude. I'm good."
5) Mr. Two Guys Who Were Not Reliable are...ALSO Mr. Smartest Guys! If being reliable makes you march off and try to squeeze yourself into tiny little boxes I say it is a poor idea to be reliable.
6) Mr. One Guy Who Could Not Work Because of Sickness is...ALSO Mr. Smartest Guy! Between you, me, and the barkeep: His sickness is due to trying to squish himself into tiny little boxes with the squiggly stuff on top. He is sick of that and he would rather roam the fjords. Go little sick guy GO!
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