Saturday, March 21, 2015

Lily and Sparkle's Awesome Adventure

Sparkle walks up to reception desk.
Sparkle: "Hi! How are you? I called about my dog Lily."
Sandy the Clerk: "Hi! Okay. And, this is the first time we've seen her?"
Sparkle: "Yep."
Sandy the Clerk: "And, you have her papers for us?"
Sparkle: "Yep."

I inherited a small packet of Lily-health-related documents. They are in Spanish. I have been dreading this moment.

Sparkle hands Lily's papers to the clerk.

Sandy the Clerk: "That's great. Oh. Oh, no."
Sparkle: "They're in Spanish."
Sandy the Clerk: "Oh, boy. Linda! Check this out!"
Linda the Clerk: "Oh. Oh, my."
Sandy the Clerk: "But, look! Isn't this a great logo?"
Linda the Clerk: "What the hell is that?"
Sandy the Clerk: "It is a cat, a dog, and a man. All smushed together."
Linda the Clerk: "Where the hell do you see that?"
Sandy the Clerk: "Right here!"
Sparkle: "Where?"
Sandy the Clerk: "Right here!"

Linda the Clerk: "'re gonna just have to hand those to the vet when you see him, okay?"
Sparkle: "Sure!"
Wait, wait, wait. Wait, wait, wait. Boozed-up looking dog weaves through waiting room with a satellite dish on head. Lily observes dog with dismay. Looks up at me queryingly.
Wait, wait, wait. Wait, wait, wait. Annoying lady at counter argues with clerks for hours about price of special cat food. Clerks bristle. Lady bridles. Hackles are raised all around. Lily and I sit and watch, wondering if fur will fly.
Wait, wait, wait. I notice that they make a "rabbit and potato" dog food. What if someone brings their pet rabbit in to be treated? It would make me very uncomfortable to see a bag of "Sparkle and Potato" food at the doctor's when I was waiting to be seen. Really. Very uncomfortable.
That's us. We proceed into the examination room where Lily is subjected to several of the most undignified procedures that you can think of. She is a very good girl.
The Vet: "Okay, I understand that you do not have Lily's prior medical records with you. It is very important for you to bring Lily's papers in with you the next time you come, and..."
Sparkle (gleam in eye): "Oh, no no no. I have her PAPERS for you."
Vet (confused): "Really? They didn't tell me that. Great. Let's take a look."
Sparkle: "Great logo, huh?"
Vet: "Ooooooooooooooooooh, okay. Okay. Okay. Uh. Criollo? Um. Moquillo?"
Vet Assistant: "Hector. This is a job for Hector."
Vet: "Oh, yeah. Hector speaks Spanish!"
Sparkle: "Awesome!"

Wait, wait, wait for Hector. Suddenly, the whole staff panics. "TEENSY! TEENSY IS COMING! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, MAN! Get UP! Teensy is coming!" The floor shakes. Teensy is 150 pounds and lets out a basso profundo bark. From her perch high atop the examination shelf, Lily unleashes a series of small querying noises in response: "Roo? Roo roo roo? Brrrrrrooop?" Teensy's entourage hustles him into the rear office where apparently they have a crane standing by to heft him about.

Hector enters, accompanied by the faint strains of the "Zorro" theme--see video sidebar for clarification, if needed.

Hector: "'sup?"
Vet: "Hector, do you know what this means? Has this dog been vaccinated for rabies, for example? I can't make heads or tails of this."
Sparkle: "Ha!"
Vet purses lips, making it clear that he is not making a joke.
Sparkle: "Hmmmmm..." (makes serious noises to show that she knows this is serious)
Hector: "Sure she's been vaccinated for rabies!"
Vet: "Where does it say that? It doesn't say that anywhere!"
Hector: "Right here. Where it says Rabias Certificado de Vacunacion."
Vet: "Oh. 'Rabias.' I guess that makes sense, come to think of it."
Hector: "Yeah."
Vet: "Great. She's all set 'til October."
Hector: "She from Colombia by any chance?"
The End.

Wednesday, March 18, 2015

A Bouquet of Glads (Gladys, that is)

Here is a bouquet of Gladys(es), just for the heck of it.

In the early days of the silver screen, New York, Hollywood, and London had quite a few actresses with the name Gladys. I'm picking: Gladys Blake, Hard-Working Actress Who is Little Known Yet Played 107 Small Roles in Movies including more than 30 roles as secretaries/telephone operators and assorted appearances as Drunk Woman in Tank, Brooklyn Girl on Subway--at least twice, Sidekick, Girl in Garter Gag, "Babe," and Dice-Game Operator--Here's To You, Gladys Blake!
Gladys the Groovy Mule! Elvis Presley's mother, Gladys Love Smith, Vernon, and Elvis (sorry to cut you off, Vernon...)Baby Gladys (don't ask's just Baby Gladys, clearly a tough customer)
Gladys O'Donnell ("In 1929, Gladys O'Donnell was the only licensed woman pilot in Long Beach, California. With just 40 hours of solo flying time, she heedlessly entered the first Women's Air Derby ever held and won second place. The following year she entered again and won first place." Go, Gladys!!! She also has an awesome pink face in this picture--due to the photo tinting process of the time.)
Gladys Zender! Miss Universe (1957) Was the first latina Miss Universe and was from Peru

Gladys Bentley (sang and played the piano, featured in Harlem nightclubs, wore a tuxedo and top hat, married a white woman from New Jersey, was known as "The Bulldagger of the Blues").
Gladys Reeves, Professional Photographer
Marilyn Monroe's Mother, Gladys Baker
And, many many more. I've discovered that there is a fascinating world of Gladys(es) out there. Can you find any interesting ones? Also, there appears to be a new magazine named "Gladys," launched this month. I can't tell if it's an all-around women's magazine or targeted to the pageant industry...
Have a Great Day!

Monday, March 9, 2015

Depression? You Think You Got A Depression, Boy-O?

Look at you people, you’re slobs. Look at us! We’re penniless yet we are very, very sharply dressed. Where's your hat. Hell with the hat. Where’s your pep?
Your 401k is in the tank? What the crackymoke is a 401k? My best chum just jumped off this building. Naked. Beat that.

You can no longer afford to purchase your organic greens? I weep for you. Try eating dandelions every day for two years. With the dirt. Quit your downmouthing and get yourself a shot of Vitamin Gumption, Mr. Boo-Hoo.

Every day that I was jobless, I woke up and walked the railroad tracks and picked up coal. Huh? They’ve done away with railroads? Oh, sure. Well, they did that back then, too. All the time. We’d just save the tracks in our woodsheds and then sneak back after dark and put the tracks back. You got no get up and go.

Thursday, March 5, 2015

Stuff That Appeals to Me About The Sidekick

Okay, so here's a bunch of stuff that appeals to me about the Sidekick.

1) Last night, she sauntered through the back door and sat on the kitchen floor glowering up at me and looking a little bit crazy. I was perplexed at this mood swing in her--she is generally a fairly lighthearted dog--so I asked her, "Why are you frowning at me?" As she continued to glower, I bent down and noticed a large streak of dirt that was adorning her eyebrow and making her look like: (a) The baby-with-the-one-eyebrow on The Simpsons; and/or (b) A wrathful elderly Russian man with wiry and assertive eyebrows. I do not know if this picture captures the essence of the moment, but I tried.
2) Wildlife makes her somewhat emotional and chatty. When she spies a squirrel, or--as happened yesterday, a chipmunk--she mutters like a bitter old man complaining about the price of soup. You can kind of hold conversations with her at these times.
Sidekick: "Mrshmph!"
Me: "Oh, yeah? What is it out there?"
Sidekick: "ARrrow rrrow roooooo."
Me: "Oh, you mean that chipmunk? The one cheekily perched atop the stump?"

Yes, this is the one she meant:
3) She thinks she's sneaky. A little while ago, I let her in from outside and she crept through the kitchen casting casual glances at me from the corner of her eye and furiously chewing. It's the casual glances that tip you off every time. Turns out she was savoring a large sunflower seed intended for the birds. Frankly, it's always a relief when I hook a seed out of her mouth and not something of a sketchier nature.

Yes, I know I'm sounding like a crazy dog lady. I can't help it. There is hope, however. I recently passed a crazy dog lady test administered by a friend.

Friend: "So, when are you going to come see me with your little daughter?"
Me: "My WHAT what?"
Friend: "Your little daughter Sidekick."
Me: Silence.
Me: "Okay. That makes me really uncomfortable."
Friend: "Good. That means you're still this side of crazy dog ladyness. I'm watching you."