Wednesday, December 31, 2014

Survive Anything!

Gustavo: "Where's the stuff about extinction? NO! I don't want to read about hurricanes again. E-x-t-i-n-c-t-i-o-n. What do we need to do to survive it? C'mon. Check the table of contents!"

Tuesday, December 30, 2014

If Dinosaurs Came Back...

If dinosaurs came back, they would have a lot of catching up to do. They might start by reading useful magazines, such as "Modern Mechanix."
Rex: "So, listen up. We get one of these newfangled 'airship' things, we cruise some chicks, and we go to the drive-in movie theatre. Plus, it looks like we can all get lucrative jobs as radio engineers."

Summary for Dinosaurs if They Come Back
1) Abraham Lincoln=A good guy.
2) The Invention of Electricity=Wires. Zip-zap.
3) World War II=We won.
4) Interstate highway system=Tar.
5) Red Sox finally won the World Series=A game.
6) Go buy anything with a little "i" in front of it.

If Dinosaurs Were Around Today
1) All the guys who play them in the movies would need to retire.
2) Toho Studios would glumly begin to make driver training films.
3) People would have jobs scooping dinosaur poop with steamshovels. They would have fancy titles like “Prehistoric Waste Engineer."
4) The term “fossil fuels” would make dinosaurs teary and contemplative.
5) I would be dinosaur toe jam.
6) Dinosaur PMS? I'd move to the moon, if I were you.

What The Dinosaurs Missed
1) Car hops.
2) Black and white TVs with small children serving as the "remote controls."
3) Cancerous red dye in cherries.
4) Smoking in movie theaters, doctor’s offices, nursery schools, churches, anywhere.
5) LPs and EPs and Eight-Tracks, oh my.
6) Ernest Borgnine and Shelley Winters in "The Poseidon Adventure."

Monday, December 29, 2014

Hiding Tips from the Movies and Books


Rex: "Relax. This is an impenetrable disguise."

1) When choosing a disguise, don't hesitate to improvise with whatever is handy--seaweed, hats with veils, small pets, etc. Suits of armor and haystacks are especially good, so it's wise to invest in one or two of each and have them with you at all times.
2) Follow the rules for impenetrable disguises. Remember: A fake beard can be a false friend; do not use one that will come off as you eat your soup. Also: If you are a short, fat man dressed as a jungle princess, do not use flowers in your disguise that will make you sneeze.
3) Do not stand behind a long, lush velvet drape with your shoes sticking out unless you have a secret desire to be shish-kebabed with a sword.
4) Today's villains are regrettably savvy. Do not hide in the closet, under the bed, in the shower, or behind a telephone pole.
5) Do not hide in a refrigerator. Even if there is room to do so and there are good leftovers to eat, just do not do so.
6) Rather than hiding, sometimes it is a good idea to freak out the villains by running towards them yelling, "I love you! I love you! I love you!" Of course, only do this if you are a heavily-armed, bitter cop with nothing left to lose.
7) If you decide to hide in a clothes hamper or tall, wicker market basket make sure that there are many other such baskets around so that you will blend in. Note: A clothes hamper or tall, wicker market basket standing all on its own in a town square is a known villain magnet.
8) It can be fun to dive into a round, metal garbage can. Rest assured, if you dive into one, it starts rolling down a hill in San Francisco, and the villains must give chase, you will turn a drama into a comedy! Of course, if you roll into the path of a cable car, you will turn the comedy back into a drama in seconds.
9) Do not hide on the second floor of a barn. You know that the villain will walk in and say, "I know you're up there, now come on down before I have to come and get you." Strangely, this sounds like something your mother would say. But, the villain is not there to call you in for supper. No, he is not. Avoid the barn altogether.
10) And, please. Avoid the well. I know it looks all safe and stuff. Just avoid it. Thank you.

Sunday, December 28, 2014

Algernon is Sent to Greet the Unknown Men of Sophisticated Peril

Archie: "Will the little guy be okay? Somehow, it doesn't seem right to send him."

Rex: "Why not? He speaks 12 languages. Knows Jujitsu. Plus, it will take them a while to gnaw through that shell, and we'll have plenty of time to run."

Algernon: "HEY! I HEARD that!"

(Others volunteer Algernon to do unpleasant things...)

Saturday, December 27, 2014

The All-Day, All-Staff Retreat

Rex: “It’s no big deal. They say they want to invite us to their all-staff retreat. Isn’t that neat?”
Gustavo: “Not neat. Look, Rex, this is weird. We're not part of their staff, are we? And, why are they dragging us through the air like this?”
Rex: “Shhhh. They’re being friendly. This is a trust exercise. Enjoy the ride.”
Archie: “Hey! Bertie got away! He’ll help us, won’t he? Berrrrrrtieeeeeeee!”

Friday, December 26, 2014

Rex is An Eternal, Cock-Eyed Optimist

Rex:"I think this is just their way of saying hello."

Thursday, December 25, 2014

Electric Pudding


Clyde: "So, they were all like, 'Hey! Look at this great electric pudding the robots just gave us!"
Lester: "What is 'electric pudding'?"
Clyde: "Yeah, that's exactly what I said. And they go, 'We don't care, it has whipped cream and cherries!'"
Algernon: "Whipped cream and cherries?"
Clyde: "Yeah, that's exactly what I said. But then, I thought about it and I said, 'I don't think the robots are our friends.' But then they go, 'And hot fudge sauce and sprinkles! The pudding has hot fudge sauce and sprinkles! And a Tesla coil! And some cool purple stuff!' So I go, 'Well, okay, but you go first.'"
Lester: "Then what happened?"
Clyde: "I have no idea. They've just been standing there for hours. It's like they see something."
Spanky: "I feel that this is a bad time for me to have misplaced my anxiety medication."

Wednesday, December 24, 2014

Making Life Easier (Poopsie Daisy?)

Before they hid very poorly, got caught by the robots, sent Algernon to try to negotiate with the robots, and ate the robots' electric pudding...

...the dinosaurs were planning a comeback...
Rex: "Looky! It says it will make life easier!!! We're gonna come back! We're gonna rule the world again!!! Woo-hoo!"
Lester: "Well...it might work..."
Gustavo: "I'm going to just sit over here and wait for you all to be disappointed. Let me know when it's lunchtime."

...just imagine their horror when they discovered humans' conception of "easy"...
Algernon: "Hey, guys? What's an attractive moisture barrier?"
Archie: "Let's analyze this Poopsie Daisy stuff. It must be the secret to their survival."
Victor: "Looky! Skis! Wheeeeee! Wait. What are skis?"
Nat: "You know, gazing into this mysterious hole topped by this skooshy thing, I feel smaller, more plastic, and more confused than ever. In fact, I feel extinct. Hold me."

Tuesday, December 23, 2014

In the Stronghold of the Robots

In the Stronghold of the Robots...
...it is a very, very, very Bad Friday for the dinosaurs:
Rex: "Look at the VIEW from up here! How KIND of the robots to share this with us! Why it is like the High Line Park up here, isn't it?"
(The High Line Park)
'saurs: "SHUT UP, REX!"
Algernon: "You know, on a scale of 1 to 10, 1 being low and 10 being high, this Monday is, like, a minus 237.”
Walt: "Have I divulged that I feel particularly wary of heights? Because I am not sure that I have done so. Thus, although the view is pleasing, I AM FEELING WARY."
Victor: "You think you got troubles. How am I supposed to get in my foxtrotting practice up here?"

Hope your Fridays are better than theirs!!!

Monday, December 22, 2014

Bertie To the Rescue!


Bertie is trying to rescue his friends from the evil clutches of the unknown metal men of sophisticated peril, and--
"Look, sister. Don't even try to pretend that you're writing this story because you ain't doin' squat. I'VE figured out a bold escape scheme, and I'M going to get out there and rescue the guys in my clever, impenetrable DISGUISE."

Well, it looks like Bertie's feeling a little miffed that I've neglected the story a little teeny tiny bit for a just a minute or two. I can't help it, I've--
"Zip it, ya dizzy dame. Here I am, completely Lon Cheneyed up in my sophisticated robot disguise. They will NEVER KNOW that I am not one of them. I shall infiltrate their ranks and I will FREE the other dinosaurs! NO thanks to YOU, I might add."

Wow! I had no idea you were so mad at me, Bertie! I'm sorry, I--
"Okay, okay, okay. Yap yap yap. Blah blah blah, Ginger. Just sit back and watch the master at work. Learn, baby, learn."
"Ah, hello. I am exactly like you except more powerful. I have come to inspect your, uh, facilities here."
"I, uh, understand that you are holding some dinosaurs captive. I will need to see these dinosaurs." (See, Sparkle? See how easy this is? YOU DUFUS!) "I am, uh, a highly-trained dinosaur inspectionalist. That is my job. That is my way." (See how you build a plot, Sparkle? SEE?) "I think that you will find my methods to be quite fair, and you will learn a lot. Yes, you will learn a lot from my highly-honed inspectional expertisemah. I shall--WUZZAT?" (Sparkle! Can you explain what's happening here? SPARKLE! Where are you? Uh, could you give me an assist? I, uh...)
Schmerzoo 500: I called Mama. She was so happy she cried. She wants you to have her wedding gown. It's white lace.
Bertie: Yeah, Schmerzoo 500. I can't get married in your mother's dress. Ha ha. That-she and I, we are not built the same way.
Schmerzoo 500: We can have it altered.
Bertie: Aw no you don't! Schmerzoo 500, I'm gonna level with you. We can't get married at all.
Schmerzoo 500: Why not?
Bertie: Well, in the first place, I'm not a natural silver.
Schmerzoo 500: Doesn't matter.
Bertie: I smoke. I smoke all the time.
Schmerzoo 500: I don't care.
Bertie: Well, I have a terrible past. For three years now, I've been living with an Australopithecus.
Schmerzoo 500: I forgive you.
Bertie: I can never have children.
Schmerzoo 500 (unperturbed): We can adopt some.
Bertie: But you don't understand, Schmerzoo 500. (He whips off his foil, exasperated, and changes to a dinosaur voice.) Uh, I'm a dinosaur.
Schmerzoo 500 (unruffled, undaunted, and still in love): Well, nobody's perfect.*

*With a tip of the hat to "Some Like It Hot," from which this dialogue is 100% stolen.

Sunday, December 21, 2014

An Elite Team of Rescue Experts--Part I

Hey, Bertie. I guess your plan turned out to have some unforeseen glitches?
"I don't really feel like talking to you today, Sparkle."
Aw, c'mon. Chin up, my boy! I promise I'll help you. In fact, today I've pulled in an elite team of rescue experts who I think will be able to help you rescue your dinosaur pals.
"Really? No fooling?"
You bet! I'll tell you what, I'll bring 'em in and you can interview them, okay?
"RIGHT ON!"
"Uh, hello, my friend. Am I correct in my assumption that you are a small, one-armed elf who is somewhat on the fragile side...a little sickly maybe?"
 "Yes, that is quite accurate."
"Okaaaaaaaaay. But, you must be able to do some incredible magic, right?"
"I don't know. Maybe. I've never really tried. I just like to read and stay quiet. Sometimes, I make casseroles for church suppers, and I like to do a little light gardening if I'm feeling well."
"SPARKLE!"
GEEZ! What's the matter, Bertie? You don't like The Sensational Mr. Elf?
"Well he seems like a lovely lad, Sparkle, but how exactly is he sensational? Can you tell me that? Because I'm pretty sure that he is a perfect kind of little guy for the robots to just, you know, shut up in a robot locker and flush his books down the john."
Gee. I didn't know you were so narrow-minded, Bertie. But, whatever you say, big guy! I'll bring in the next one.
"Uh, hi there! It's, uh, very kind of you to give me a ride on your handlebars even before we are formally introduced, and, uh..." (SPARKLE! GET THIS CREEPY KID AWAY FROM ME! IX-NAY! IXNAY!)
C'mon, Bertie! What's wrong with The Biker Chimp? He has impeccable credentials and he comes with WHEELS. You have to admit that'll come in handy!
"Sparkle, could you please get me some bicarbonate of soda?"
Well, sure. But, why don't you meet the next guy first?
"Oh, very well."
"YIKES! Uh, simmer down, big guy. Simmer down, there. You're making me feel a little tense. I mean, I'm sure this goes over big with the ladies and whatnot, but this can't be good for your blood pressure. Look, please sit down. You're making me nervous."
"Gnarrrrrrrr!"
"Well, that's much better, isn't it? Look, I'm going to ask you a question now and I want you to give me an honest, straightforward answer. And, don't get mad, okay? For the love of mike, don't get mad."
"gnaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr?"
"So, do you now, or have you ever, taken steroids?"
"GNARRRRRRRRRRRRRR!"
"Oh, shit. Sparkle? Sparkle?"

Saturday, December 20, 2014

An Elite Team of Rescue Experts--Part II

As you might recall, Bertie escaped from the evil clutches of the robots, but his dinosaur pals got kidnapped...
...and they are now being held captive.
Bertie is their only hope for rescue, and--
"HEY! What about you, Sparkle? Don't you take any responsibility for this mess o' worms?" --and as I was saying, Bertie is their only hope for rescue. It turns out that he's pretty dang picky about the rescue team.
"I am not picky, I am selective."
Yeah, whatever. I'm just saying that I went to great lengths to recruit a solid team, and you eschewed them all.
"What do you mean I 'eschewed' them? I swear to god! I didn't lay a hand on any of them--Bertie don't swing that way. Oh, oh, okay. 'Eschewed.' Well, darn straight I 'eschewed' them. A sickly non-magical elf, a creepy kid in a fez, and Mr. Anger Management Problem? They were supposed to help me?"
Just keep an open mind this time, okay? I'm going to give this another try. Ready?
"Sure. But, don't give me more of the same-same."
Just check out the candidates, Bertie. I'm not gonna talk about this with you right now.
"Okay, Sparkle? Am I wrong about this? Do my eyes deceive me? Are you suggesting that I 'grow my own' Tippy the Turtle? Does the fact that this package is covered with warnings such as, 'Like all turtles, Tippy is very slow' and 'Tippy is very shy' DISCOURAGE you at all? Do these seem like ideal qualities for a rescue expert to have? Plus, while it's nifty that 'Tippy will give me hours of enjoyment,' Tippy seems to define enjoyment as swinging--as opposed to training a death ray on a bunch of nogoodnik robots. Remove this carefree turtle from my sight!" "Well, this is kind of neat. This is a bit more like it. Hmmm. Grow a pirate. Not bad. Not bad at all. But, what if he, y'know, questions my authority? He looks a little defiant to me, standing there with his hands--oops, his hand and his hook--on his hips. What if he's more of a leader-type than a follower-type, and he won't obey orders and just sneaks around--well, as sneakily as his wooden leg will allow--yarrring snidely under his breath and mocking me? What then? See, I think the pirate is good because he's bloodthirsty, but I have my hesitations. Plus, he doesn't have any transportation." "Oh, okay. I see you've planned for that. So, do you think this thing is really going to grow to be 600% its size? If so, it might do us some good. Otherwise, you should just suspend it from your rearview mirror or turn it into an earring or something." "Aw-right, aw-right. This is more like it. Super Growing Dinosaurs! All I need is a la-bor-a-tor-y and I can mold 'em to my will from the very get-go; I will be their dinosaur king! Just one thing. Could you check out the fine print on the package and tell me if there are any chicks in there? I'm just...curious."

Friday, December 19, 2014

The Little Plant Pot People

Sparkle: "La, la, la. WHOA. What are you all doing here?"
Dinos: "It's an intervention."
Sparkle: "Why? What I do? What I do?"
Dinos: "It's more what you didn't do. We mean--wait. Where are you?"
Sparkle: "I'm right here. You've got my ear."
Archie: "See, that's part of the problem. These lame attempts at humor."
Sparkle: "Huh?"
Gustavo: "Don't even try to explain it to her. It's hopeless."
Dinos: "Look, let's ease you into this. Remember when you were young and wrote that story about the little people who lived in plant pots? And you never finished it?”"
Sparkle: “The Little Plant Pot People?”
Dinos: “Yeah. Great title--"
Sparkle: "I WAS 10!"
Dinos: "Whatev. Anyway, does that remind you of anything? Does never finishing 'The Little Plant Pot People' remind you of anything?”
Sparkle: “No, not really. Why?”
Rex: “Hey, guys! Remember that book she started writing a couple years ago? She never finished that, either.”
Clyde: “She didn't? Why, I thought for sure she had…”
Rex: “No. No she didn't. What a loser.”
Sparkle: “HEY! I’m standing right HERE! I HEARD THAT. And I am HURT.”
Bertie: "What the heck is wrong with you? You look weird. Weirder than usual."
Sparkle: “Nothing. Oh, you mean the box of cookies? Hey, isn't it Girl Scout Cookie Time? They've been on my mind lately."
Archie: "Again with the lame attempts at humor. Look, the sight gag would work better if the box were on your forehead and not on your nose. It's kind of tragic."
Gustavo: “Geez. Now look what you’ve gone and done. She's stormed out!”
Algernon: “Aw, forget it. She’s harmless. What's she gonna do, replace us?”
To Be Continued…