Wednesday, June 13, 2012

Endoscopy Scoopy

I accompanied a friend on her Adventure with Endoscopy today. As always, you can count on me to give you the scoopy.

1) Anything called a "procedure" is not fun.
2) If you find yourself waiting in a recovery ward, sitting on a chair, you will find that it is impossible not to invade people's privacy:
Sit. Sit. Wait for friend to wake up. What's that noise? NAW. Don't look over at that lady there, let's give her some privacy. No, let's look over here. CRAP. No. Abort mission. Let's NOT look at THAT guy. Eyes on floor. Eyes on floor. Gooood, goooood. Whoa...whoa...gurney about to roll over feet. Look up--augh! Same guy! Now on gurney! Evasive maneuvers! Evasive maneuvers! And, here we go...invading lady's privacy again. Okay. "Soiled Linen Closet." Let's just sit here and stare at the door of the "Soiled Linen Closet." Neutral. Non-invasive. And...
3) The term "Soiled Linen Closet" conjures very disturbing mental images. Just keep your eyes closed.
4) It is easier to find your way through hospitals when you are on drugs.
5) Sure--you can call the hospital cafeteria a "bistro." Yet, that does not make it any less of a hospital cafeteria. Let's just call the whole damn hospital a "Procedure Bistro."
6) Dear Hospital Supervisors: Why do you always pick the person who has the most trouble pronouncing names to go and collect people from a waiting room? Do you sit in your special VIP area of the "bistro" and watch the hilarity ensue?
7) Signs that say I can't eat, drink, or talk on the phone make me want to eat, drink, talk on the phone, and smoke--even though I don't smoke.
8) When you have to go to a special phone and push a special button to "confirm your information" and answer endless questions posed by a disembodied voice of authority, it kind of makes it perfect when the button you have to push is covered in red tape. Reeeed taaaaape.
9) Having Martha Stewart cooking holiday pies on the television in the middle of a roomful of people who have been denied food and water is kinda cruel.