Wednesday, March 17, 2010

Wednesday's Heavyweight Match: Fatty vs. Chubby's!

In a tense stand-off between two culinary giants today, Fatty McGee's of Providence, Rhode Island is the heavyweight champion.

From 7:00-9:00 a.m. today, Fatty's offered a COMPLIMENTARY BREAKFAST BUFFET with the purchase of a cup of coffee. Fatty's will go on to feature a "block-party style" celebration of the St. Patrick's Day holiday with corned beef and cabbage.
In stark contrast, Chubby's Bar & Grill of North Providence, Rhode Island (no photo available) is providing no free food with coffee and no "block-party style" event. In Chubby's defense, "corned beef sandwiches and dinners," as well as Lenten specials, will be for sale.

Pudge's Steaks & Hoagies in Blue Bell, Pennsylvania was unavailable for comment at the time this story was filed.
Today's Semi-Related Video: A Version of "King Tubby Meets Rockers Uptown" Featuring Theremin

The Original

Friday, March 12, 2010

FTD Phones It In (aka I am Old and Cranky)

I'm online looking for flowers to send to my aunt*--it's her eightieth birthday tomorrow--and I stumble across this:This is the Sweets in Bloom® Ultimate Happy Birthday Snack Attack Basket.

Here's how the pricing breaks down:
--Sweets in Bloom® Happy Birthday Snack Attack Basket: $34.99--GOOD (I think "good" means the snacks are NOT stale, yet there are not that many of them and the basket is mostly filled with green tissue paper.)
--Sweets in Bloom® Deluxe Happy Birthday Snack Attack Basket: $44.99--BETTER (I think "better" means that there are significantly more Combos to cheesy your hunger away and you pay $5 more for the word "Deluxe." But, it also might simply mean a bigger basket and more green tissue paper.)
--Sweets in Bloom® Ultimate Happy Birthday Snack Attack Basket: $54.99--BEST (Okay. Surely FTD does not throw the word "Ultimate" around indiscriminately? I'm guessing there must be pirate gold underneath the extra large amount of green tissue paper in the bottom of the extra large basket.)

This does not include shipping and handling.

1) No, I will not be sending this item to my aunt--I believe her personal weapons in the war against snack attacks are iced tea and little sugar-free waffle sandwich cookies (they come in pink, tan, and white).
2) I figure my aunt and I aren't in FTD's demographic for this item--it's a "dorm room and den" kind of gift. But, I have to admit that I keep staring at it (and I need to stop now and close the deal on the flowers) and thinking, "Couldn't I slap together that Ultimate version in one trip to Costco for $5.00?" and "Snack attack? More like heart attack. Look at all that salt and sugar!" which is yet another sign that I'm not in the demographic for this item.
3) Still, there's something about this that bugs me. And FTD's disclaimer, "All items featured on this Web site represent the types of products FTD.COM offers and may vary depending upon availability in certain regions" does nothing to smooth my feathers. Which regional delicacy might they leave out--the M&Ms or the Nutter Butters?
4) And, I keep thinking about all of those ripped open Snack Attack wrappers and all of that scrunched-up tissue paper (in the Ultimate version, this might be as much as 8 lbs. of tissue paper and 25 Snack Attack wrappers) fluttering around landfills just off the main highway like debauched butterflies. (Why like debauched butterflies? I have no idea.)

To sum up: I am Old and Cranky.**

*Her larger gift is 80 books, which I imagine she'll tear right through. But, I don't have a catchy name for it.
**Yet not quite Old and Cranky enough NOT to wish you a wonderful weekend. Have a wonderful weekend!

Saturday, March 6, 2010


There's a big scandal afoot! All of these cops have been arrested and are on "desk duty" (which sounds kinda comfy and relaxing--is this a reward or a punishment? Are they denied cheese danish privileges? Are they included in the lunch run? "Okay, what do you want for lunch, Stan?" "Ham on rye and a..." "No, Stan, you can have gravel or you can have bark chips--which?") for being involved with a drug ring.*
The local news media has dubbed this entirely shocking turn of events...wait for it, wait for it...

OPERATION DECEPTION (but there's no ominous theme song, as yet--they might be working on it)

I think two things about this.
Thing 1: I now want to become a criminal because I can outrun these guys.
Let me be clear: I can outrun very few people and if I laughingly pretend to "lose a foot race" to a 2-year-old, I am lying. I am losing a foot race to a 2-year-old. I am built somewhat along the lines of a dachsund--without the tail and cuteness. But, it fills me with pride to know that I can outrun these guys. Later today, I go out to buy my bandit mask and the special soft-soled shoes you need to creep around on your tiptoes. G'bless, boys. You have given me a new career.

Thing 2:
What kind of half-hindquartered name is this for a sizzing hot scandal? C'mon. You can do better. I can do better. Here goes.
"Operation Snow Blows!" (this is to set an example for the DARE kids)
"Operation Whaddya Mean 'Deception'? Haven't You Ever Seen A Crooked Cop Movie?" 
"Operation Expected" (okay, perhaps this is a bit cynical)

*Are drug-selling cabals always rings? Why circular? Aren't drug operations more complex than that? Wouldn't a Drug Dodecahedron be more accurate? Sheesh. It's always up to me to point these things out.

Friday, March 5, 2010

Tuesday, March 2, 2010

My Sister Teaches the Basic Thrill of Golf!

My sister does not use blogger, facebook, etc. She uses e-mail for work. But, she does not have a cell phone. She does not text. Indeed, she and I share a primitive fear of texting. Perhaps rightfully so. Here's an e-mail she forwarded to me that a lady sent to her from her phone (it's nothing bad...just kinda funny):

-----Original Message-----

From: Lady who mistakenly e-mailed my sister from her phone
Sent: Some Day, Some Month, Some Year 2:12 PM (I do not know why I am making the date anonymous and keeping the specific time--just am)

To: My Sister
Subject: Thank you

Again it was great lesson with you today. You taught me basic thrill of golf. Now it is up to me to practice and continuously produce what I've learned. I cannot wait to practice when the clubs are ready next week. In the meantime, have safe journey and have a wonderful season in Palm Beach. I am very grateful to you that now I have new excitement in my life. Thank you so much and warmest regards,

I cannot explain why I enjoy this message so much. "...basic thrill of golf"? Perhaps. But, I also like the concept of "...continuously producing what I've learned..." We could all stand to do a little more of that.

Now, can someone please explain who the old lady with the party hat is that someone e-mailed to MY phone?