Friday, December 19, 2008

Stuff I'd Rather Be Doing

1) Threading popcorn.
2) Making weird-looking evil elves.
3) Putting peanuts out for squirrels.
4) Looking for box of ornaments in basement.
5) Deploying eucalyptus branches.
6) Figuring out Christmas menu.
7) Putting logs in basement.
8) Taking dog for nice long walk before snow.
9) Deploying lights.
10) Doing push-ups, preparing for snow shoveling.
11) Locating PamTM no-stick cooking spray to apply to shovel.
12) Figuring out better cover for log pile
13) Endlessly going to and tracking packages that appear to just be sitting still "processed and ready for shipping."
14) Playing with hot glue gun.
15) Decorating tree with dinosaurs.
16) Sorting through paper work.
17) Re-organizing closet.
18) Sending cards and coffee gift certificates to clients.
19) Writing something good for blog.
20) Tape-recording dog's snoring.

Anything you'd rather be doing today? Any whichaway, have a great Friday and weekend!

Thursday, December 18, 2008

Hot Tip, TravelDialogues, Girl's Navy Mascot

The hot glue gun is the greatest tool known to humanity. Having overcome my lifelong fear of hotgluing my arms to the sides of my body, I am now hotgluing the world around me. Nothing is safe. Be warned.

The Magazine
Me (on plane, reading magazine)
Woman Next to Me: "How are you enjoying your MAGAZINE?"
Me (looking up smiling): "Oh, it's just fine."
Woman Next to Me: "I have to tell you that I have never read a magazine in my whole life. Never."
Me (thinking "Why do you have to tell me this" and smiling in confusion): "Ah! Oh ho."
Woman Next to Me: "Never. I have never read a magazine. I never would."
Me (very confused--suddenly feel like we're talking about smoking): "Well, good for you! For heaven's sake, don't take it up now."
Woman Next to Me: "No. I won't. I never would. I had brothers growing up so I NEVER read a magazine. Not a one."
Me (unsure of connection, think she means she was a tomboy): "Wow! Well, how many brothers do you have?"
Woman (defiantly): "TWO!"
Me: "Well, grand."
Woman: "I would NEVER read a magazine."
Me (feeling rebellious): "What about NATIONAL GEOGRAPHIC?"
Woman: "NEVER."
Me: "Okay!" (Go back to reading magazine.)

The Elevator
Me (traveling up in elevator)
Boop--elevator stops on Floor 16, doors open, two middle-aged guys are standing there looking shocked
Guy 1: "Oops! Are you going up?"
Me: "Yep."
Guy 2: "Sorry! We're going down. We musta pushed the wrong button here."
Me: "No problem!"
Guy 1: "It's like we're controlling the elevators! Like Darth Vader! LUKE, I AM YOUR FATHER!"
Me: "HA! It's okay. I'm off."
Boop--doors close. Boop--doors open.
Guy 1: "Holy crap. It doesn't want to go up. What'd we do?"
Guy 2: "It's Princess Leia!"
Me: "HA! It's okay. I'm off."
Boop--doors close. Boop--doors open.
Both men are slinking over to the opposite bank of elevators, where one "down" elevator has opened.
Guy 1: "SORRY! We didn't touch anything!"
Me: "Surrrrre you didn't."
Guy 2: "No, really!"
Me: "Have a good one!"
Boop--doors close. Boop--doors open, revealing empty corridor. Sparkle steps out of elevator, hits up button outside elevator, steps back in, elevator proceeds up.

MEET THE NEW MASCOT OF THE GIRL'S NAVY: THE MYSTICAL BAT WOMAN! (I will be getting a tattoo of this, this...prehistoric alien wearing a dashiki)

Monday, December 15, 2008

Scenes from Last Week

Vacation Tips
1) Never get sick while you are on vacation.
2) Never go into a national park service bathroom while you are sick while you are on vacation.
3) Take lots of pictures, whether you are sick or not. When you get back home, you will then have the fun of sorting the pictures into "Before I Needed to Pay $18 for Pepto Bismal" and "After I Needed to Pay $18 for Pepto Bismal" piles. These are the Before ones.
Smokey the Bear!

Non-Specific "Beware" Sign of Limited Utility!
Many Helpful Cautions, Yet Pepto Bismal Needfulness is Glaringly Absent
Super Fun Big Game: Tilt Your Head to Simulate How I Felt When Sick
Sneaker. Sand. Sandneaker.
Stuff I Don't See At Home #1
Shhhhhh! No, really. SHH!
Stuff I Don't See At Home #2
Sky Petroglyphs!
Cool Bush!
Hiding Tree!
Woodsy Owl!
Craggy Stuff!I Just Like This!
I Also Just Like This!
Creepy Mannequin #1! The Uniforms Worn by Howard Hughes' Stewardesses!
Creepy Mannequin #2! The Flight Suit Worn by Howard Hughes!I Love a Diorama!
On the Homefront #1: Wilderness Camera Captures Deer!
On the Homefront #2: My Christmas Tree for the Birds
Hope all is well wherever you are roaming!

Friday, December 12, 2008

Happy Friday and Stuff!

Happy Friday!

And Stuff:

1) This week I was away, and my sister was taking care of Lily.

Sister: "So, you can come get her Saturday."

Me: "No, I miss her! I'll come Friday."

Sister: "But you misplaced the new key I sent you?"

Me: "Yes, but you said you'd leave the key under the mat?"

Sister: "Hmm...I need some Tab. The supplies are running dry around here."

Me: "You need Tab?"

Sister: "Yeah, bring me some Tab and I'll put the key under the mat."

Me: "Are you holding my dog hostage for Tab?"

Sister: "Maybe."

Me: "Okay."

2) This week, I went to the Valley of Fire. I was supposed to go to Death Valley, too. Instead, I got a very bad stomach virus. So, I missed the cool ghost towns and awesome plateaus, but I got a nice taste of death anyhow.

Aw, y'know. Photos are forthcoming and stuff. But now, I go in search of gingerale.

Have a lovely weekend!

Friday, December 5, 2008

Derrumba su bloque!!! Fais tomber sa tete!!!

Aiiiie! This week, in between making 800 rose hip garlands (don't ask--sometimes I get a little carried away with "threading crafts") and glancing at my stack of work, I bought two most excellent games. Here's Game #1. Ball Flying Button Smashing ACTION! Mercy! Mercy on us! Ya know what this game is, right?

And, here's Game #2.Woo-hoo! I never had this one when I was a kid. Let's get a close-up look, shall we? Me: I like to read this in Spanish because it sounds even MORE exciting (doesn't seem possible, yes?) than the English version. Golpes Demoledorrrrrrres (I'm not sure, but that sounds more like "Hands of Death" than "Pile Driving Jabs" to me!)! Los Robots Luchadorrrrrres!
So, I sat back and I BEAMED with pleasure at the sight of my two new games.
And then, I looked around and I thought: "Oh, shit. Where's the adult to put them together?"

UPS Helper Guy (wearing "plainclothes," loping off truck with two packages, uniformed UPS guy remains slumped behind the wheel, motor idling): "Oh, uh."
Sparkle (standing in front yard with Lily on leash): "HI! Could you please put those on the front step? How are ya today?"
UPS Helper Guy (loping down walk to front step): "Dude. I'm not good. This morning, first thing, dude, I fell off the truck, landed hard on my butt, and split my pants up the back."
Sparkle: "NO!"
UPS Helper Guy (placing package on step): "Yeah. I've been going around with them all day like this. You want me to put the boxes down here, so you can open the door?"
Sparkle: "Sure. Thanks! Hey, do you want a needle and thread or something?"
UPS Helper Guy (stops, lowers voice, gleam of hope in his eye): "Uh, do you have one I could borrow?"
Irate muttering is now heard from uniformed UPS guy slumped behind wheel: "Mwah MWAH MWAH MWAH."
UPS Helper Guy: "OH. GEEZ. We gotta keep moving. Man, I could actually use a little sewing machine for this [moving toward truck rapidly, tugging sweatshirt down over butt]. I've been pulling this down all day like this. It makes it hard to get stuff down from the truck."
Sparkle: "I cannot see a THING. I would never have known if you hadn't told me."
UPS Helper Guy: "I hope that's true for those nuns."

[The scene: Auto mechanic. The action: Sitting and waiting for my car to be inspected. I am talking to a house builder.]
House Builder: "So, I'm in Maine and I'm up on the roof finishing it up, and the guy from next door walks over to me with this little black thing in his hand."
Sparkle: "What was it?"
House Builder: "Keiko!"
Sparkle: "Awwwww!"
House Builder: "And the guy says, 'This is the runt of the litter. I got no use for it. I'm going to drown it."
Sparkle: "NO!"
House Builder: "Yep. And I say, "The HELL you're going to drown him! How much you getting for the rest of that litter? And, he says: '$300 each--they're purebred chows.' And I say, 'I'll give you that right now in cash, you hand me that puppy.' And, he says '$100 bucks if you get it out of my hair today.' Keiko and I haven't been apart since, right Keiko boy? I don't think he's a purebred--I think he's part lab--but that don't make a difference, does it Keiko? [Keiko wanders over, wagging tail, briefly considers lifting leg against waiting room couch.] Be nice, Keiko!" [Keiko stops lifting his leg, comes over, wagging tail.]

Driving down a little side street. A frail, elderly woman is slowly pushing a shopping cart along. It is very windy. A cloth shopping bag FLIES out of her cart and starts tumbling down the road. I pull my car over, stop, put it in park, run across street, grab bag, and run back to the woman with it.
Sparkle (out of breath): "Here you go!"
Frail Elderly Woman (looking shocked): "NO, NO, NO! You go ahead and keep it. You earned it."
Elderly woman is very decisive. Trot back to car, wondering if elderly woman thought I was so desperate for a shopping bag I stopped car and ran after it? Wonder if she thinks I am a shopping bag mugger? Mulling this over, almost run frail elderly woman down as she stands in crosswalk.