Thursday, July 31, 2008
We further interrupt Clinky's adventures with the Giant Non Sequitur-Eating Babies of Mainland China to bring you this important public service announcement. When resuscitating a victim of some unknown peril, ALWAYS apologize to the victim first for the indignities to which you are about to subject him (see picture at top left for directions). A good thing to say is, "Look, I'm sorry we're both about to go through this." Then, always apologize when you fail to resuscitate the victim (see picture at bottom right for directions). As shown, you can always just bow your head silently when you fail.
And Now...Back To Our Regularly Scheduled Program
Clinky: "Hey, Giant Non Sequitur-Eating Babies of Mainland China! It sure is swell of you to invite me to this, uh, giant peach jamboree, but I've got a hot dish in the oven, and..."
Giant Babies: "MORE NON SEQUITURS, CLINKY! WE'RE HUNGRY!"
Clinky: "Look, if I give you more non sequiturs will you get me down off of this Macy's Parade abomination?
Giant Babies: "SURE!"
Clinky: "Paper or plastic? Plutonium!"
Giant Babies: "YAAAAAAAAAAY!"
Clinky: "Okay, I want down."
Giant Babies: "OKAY!"
Clinky: "Okay. This is not what I meant by "down."
Giant Baby: "I LOVE SPACE!"
Clinky: "You don't have to shout, kid. I'm right next to you and, uh, Bark-o the Doganaut."
Giant Baby: "I LOVE SPACE!"
Clinky: "Well, sure. Me too, kid. I mean, I'm a robot."
Giant Baby: "SPACE MAKES ME HUNGRY!"
Giant Baby: "MORE NON SEQUITURS, PLEASE!"
Clinky: "Can you give me something to work with?"
Giant Baby: "I LOVE SPACE!"
Clinky: "The hamsters will ride by dawn's first light!"
Giant Baby: "YAAAAY!"
Clinky: "Can I have 'down' now, please?"
Clinky: "What th'!? Where am I now?"
Giant Babies: "Do not be afraid, we are the High Council of Giant Non Sequitur-Eating Babies of Mainland China and we bring you floral tributes."
Clinky: "Well, that's real square of you Giant Babies and all, but I've got my own stuff to do. I can't be feeding you non sequiturs every second. Plus, it looks like you could stand to cut back on the non sequiturs a little."
Giant Babies: Growwwwwl.
Clinky: "You know what? Sandwiches are good. Why not try a sandwich?"
Giant Babies: "A non sequitur sandwich?"
Clinky: "No, I'd go with a nice pastrami sandwich or maybe some tuna. No! You know what? I'd make myself a nice panini or grilled cheese with a George Foreman grill."
Giant Babies: "A Foreman grill? Will you buy us a Foreman grill?"
Clinky: "Buy you a Foreman grill? Heck, kids, I'll bring you George Foreman!"
Giant Babies: "Very good. You are free to go."
...or is it? Yes, it is.
Wednesday, July 30, 2008
Clinky: "What th'?! My head has been captured by the giant, Non Sequitur-Eating Babies of Mainland China! Where are you taking me, Giant Baby?"
Giant Baby (giggles, drops Clinky's head, reaches out for bird): "Birdy!"
Clinky: "Giant Baby! Aiiieee! I'm falling! Falling! Wayward sawhorse! Monkey jockey! Bedroom slippers! Topeka!"
Note: No Clinkys, fish, birds, or Giant Non Sequitur-Eating Babies from Mainland China were injured in the making of this photo.
Thursday, July 24, 2008
1) Canned Goods--okay in theory and I do have a non-electric can opener, but my stove is electric and my microwave is electric so how are canned goods (e.g., soup) supposed to HELP?
2) A Half Container of Milk and a Half Container of Grapefruit Juice--bad, bad, bad. When you have no water, these substances are NOT viable substitutes. No, not in any way, shape, or form.
3) Frozen Eggrolls--not as much of a storm necessity as previously assumed.
4) Extra blankets--no help whatsoever in yesterday's storm.
5) No battery-operated radio except the old, round one that looks like a UFO and has a key chain attached to it. Unfortunately, it just pulls in Spanish-speaking stations. I don't know why this is, it just is. And, although she is from Mexico Lily still refuses to translate, claiming that "You won't get the jokes."
6) Plenty of extra batteries: Yes. Except all of the batteries fit the remote control for the television and not the flashlights. I believe I am going to force myself to undergo survival training because my battery situation is just pitiful.
7) Candles: Do the floating butterfly ones count? As I viewed them yesterday, in the dark and disapproving gloaming of no electricity, they did not seem to count.
8) Saw to cut downed trees in the middle of the road: Well, there are some giant ones in the basement, but my instinct is that if I attempt to use one I will be the one missing a limb and not the hazardous tree blocking the road in front of where I live. I do give myself points here for good tree moving technique merely by kicking and dragging the trees and bending and snapping road-blocking branches.
9) Matches. Well, sure. I've got plenty of matches but with few candles and no need to make a fire, how are they supposed to come in handy? Am I supposed to become a pyromaniac in the absence of the entertainment of the television? Hang on. Dang. I suppose they are to be used for the non-existent little sterno or camping stove that I'm meant to heat up my canned goods on? Oops.
10) My cell phone. Well, I gotta give my cell phone points. It worked even 'though the landlines were down. I'll be damned--I think that's what cell phones might actually be for, huh? And, I could have recharged it with my car--which had a lot of gas.
To sum up: In the event of a tornado, I am useless on the homefront so I should drive around yammering on my cell phone and kicking and pulling trees out of the road?
Wednesday, July 23, 2008
So, pending the photo confirmation, I'm going to hook onto Mr. Lamont's magic carpet ride by sharing with you my knowledge of some celebrities' experiences taking LSD. Let it be said that I myself have never dabbled in this drug except for throwing some away in a chemical toilet at a Grateful Dead concert. I admit: Drugs have always scared me and--this will not surprise you--I have done just fine having bizarre experiences in life without them. Anyway, I do know exactly what happened when the following people took LSD:
1) Aunt Bee from the Andy Griffith Show. What happened: Imagined a giant pie was chasing her. Went on to briefly date Jimi Hendrix, then disappeared into Topanga Canyon where she formed a small messianic cult that made biscuits and worshipped honey. She was their Queen.
2) Sid and Marty Kroft. What happened: Imagined a children's TV show about a fantastic land filled with CPAs and paralegals that methodically file documents alphabetically in large file drawers and complain about their jobs on snack breaks. Almost lost entire fortune creating this show, only to have a focus group of preteens express its disapproval by pelting them with rocks and garbage.
3) Santa Claus. What happened: Scared the bejesus out of himself with the sonic boom echoes of his deep ho, ho, hos. Ever since has kept his ho, ho, hos slightly muted and takes some "me time" every day.
4) Betty Crocker. What happened: Stared into a mirror for hours saying, "Who am I? Who am I? Who am I really?" When drug wore off, shaved her head, walked into General Mills headquarters, threw her neatly starched apron on the desk of the CEO, and said "I'm not real so you don't have to pay me, that's a neat trick, isn't it?" and stalked out. General Mills quickly changed the hairdo of the character and carried on.
5) Charlie Brown. What happened: Suddenly noticed how cool the inside of Snoopy's doghouse was--plus spent a good deal of time thinking about heroes and goats. When the drug wore off, moved into Snoopy's doghouse and became enthusiastic about "suppertime." Snoopy became downcast, took to wearing a jersey with a zigzag, and began to suffer from "canine pattern baldness."
6) Sgt. Schulz. What happened: Saw "everything." Heard "everything." When the drug wore off, snuck out of camp, deserted the German army, changed his name to Helga, and started singing in saloons.
7) Abbott and Costello. What happened: Started "Who's on First" routine and did not stop for 18 days. By the time they wrapped it up they had transformed into young, blonde British men. So, they changed their names to Chad and Jeremy and appeared on several popular television shows including "Dick Van Dyke," "Batman," and "The Patty Duke Show."
8) The 1976 Olympics East German Women's Swimming Team. What happened: Nothing. The massive amounts of steroids in the women's bodies effectively sucked up the LSD and spat it out angrily. Team went on to win medals.
9) Bob Dylan. What happened: Had a vision in which an angel told him to "Go electric." Woke up with a profound feeling of excitement and a sense of mission. Then realized he had "gone electric" three years previously.
10) Tinkerbell. What happened: Her jealousy became a giant, insatiable, slimy green beast that she battled for hours before finally falling into an exhausted sleep. Became a better fairy post-drug, which unfortunately didn't last long as she was fatally wounded in a nasty windshield wiper accident.
Tuesday, July 22, 2008
Me, I can take photos, too. And, as it happens I have some very ultra-fascinating and enthralling sights for you today.
First Up: The exotic, brightly-hued dragon who glides by the house and softly illuminates the velvety darkness of the midnight sky with its fiery wonder every night. I call him "Melvin."
(Whaddya MEAN, "That's your bathrobe, isn't it? Where'd you GET such a crazy notion?)
I, too, have unfamiliar and slightly scary foods to share with you:
These are emergency eggrolls purchased right before a snowstorm last year. Some buy milk, some stock up on toilet paper, I panic and purchase unfamiliar brands of eggrolls. There were two packages in January. There is still one package left in July. 'nuff said.
This is a book by a very close, dear friend of mine who spent many years in China trapped in a Chinese bakery. Fortunately, Clinky will not run that risk because he is not in China, he is in "China."
My closet is full of authentic items of clothing from when I, myself, went to "China"--which might or might not have resembled the Junior's Department of J.C. Penney's.And this is, well, I have no idea what this is. "Robot vs. The Vampire" is the title, I believe. But, it looks more like "Robot vs. The Gorilla Guerilla" to me. I include this last item just in case there is any slight, slender chance that Clinky might actually be in China and not "China." Be on the lookout for monkeys wearing--I dunno, Nehru-flak-safari jackets. We know that robots always come out on top (unless they are fighting dinosaurs), but it's best to avoid trouble.
Monday, July 21, 2008
Anyway, whether Clinky is doing the "Capricorn One" thing or he is, in fact, in China, Maine, this week I'm gonna go toe to toe with him. Okay. He wants to post exciting and colorful street scenes? I can post exciting and colorful street scenes, too. Here is my first such photo and I hope you enjoy it:
WHAT? C'mon. ADMIT IT. It's the biggest one you've ever seen. Plus, I believe it is the very exotic and rare Chinese Rrreereemerscher Beetle.
You can run but you cannot hide, boy robot!
Friday, July 18, 2008
Lois Lane is talkin' bout stuff she's into lately and asked "Anything getting your geek on?" Dr. Who is an eternal delight, but I used to be SUPER geeky about this show in my teens, when it was in reruns. I was also SUPER geeky about "The Avengers." For some reason, I still feel kind of soothed when I hear "The Avengers" theme song...Last summer, I was geeky about: Kingdom Hospital, The 4400, Firefly, and The Lost Room--all of which I accessed via the miracle of Netflix. Have a Great Geeky or Non Geeky Weekend, As The Case May Be!
Wednesday, July 16, 2008
It's amazing that I was even able to take these stupid pictures. Lily gives me three seconds to get the shot framed and in the camera. She says that's all anyone should need. 3-2-1, and SHE PULLS, jerking the camera and producing a bigfootesque shot like this one:
When I crouch down to take a picture and she wants to go exploring, she is perplexed. Conveniently, she forgets the five minutes she likes to spend sniffing each blade of grass and dried husk of a leaf. Anyway, mission accomplished. I think I caught all of the current mushroom colors in the woods.
*No, don't worry I don't really think she talks to me. Only Mr. Jingles the elf really talks to me.
Ever after, I have been quietly self-debating...Sure, I'd seen pictures of coyotes before and I'd seen pictures of foxes before, and I'd seen one coyote recently, from a distance....in some tall grass...Was that a coyote sitting on the hill behind us watching us? Was it instead, for example, a fox that my imagination super-inflated into a coyote? At one point, my "It was a fox, dopey" theory gained credence when I came upon a little boy walking his dog in the neighborhood.
Sparkle: "Hi! So, have you seen a fox around here?"
Boy: "Yep! There's one right on this street."
Sparkle: "Oh. I think I saw one not far from here. It's a pretty big fox, huh?"
Boy: "Naw, it's little--well, the usual size! It was running through our yard in the middle of the day, kinda weaving back and forth. It looked kinda weird. Like it was drunk! I wouldn't walk on this road, if I were you. We live right here [points to house behind him], and we only walk Bailey this far right now."
So...the fox might be...rabid?
Next day, drivin' down the road, I SAW a cute little fox--kinda like this one:
I had three thoughts when I saw the fox: (1) BRAKES! (2) SO cute, so scrawny. Poor little thing. I hope it doesn't have rabies. (3) Holy crap, how did I convince myself that's what I saw? This is what was standing on the hill behind us:
Enough about me: Check out the Narragansett Bay Coyote Study's website! They do really interesting and important work.
Monday, July 14, 2008
Man: "Uh-huh. Really! Really! I swear!"
Woman: "Really? Because I was feeling like it didn't fit very well--you know, it feels too tight in some spots and too loose in others. And, I was having a bad butt day. But, a movie star? Who?"
Man (snapping fingers): "I can see her, but I just can't remember that name. Movies. Movies. Real bosomy. Blonde."
Woman: "Bosomy? Movies? Scarlet Johanssen? Drew Barrymore?"
Woman: "Bosomy. TV. Kristin Chenoweth? I don't think she was in movies, 'though, I think she was on Broadway and--"
Man: "SHELLEY WINTERS!"*
Man (happy sigh): "Wow, I pulled that one outta nowhere. Yep. Ol' Shelley was in the movies and then she was on Roseanne. Ah, yeah. Good ol' Shelley Winters."
Man: "They don't call me the Trivia King for nothin'! Woo! I'm #1! I'm #1!"
Woman: "Would you be referring to Young Shelley Winters or Old Shelley Winters?"
Man: "Well, ya know, oldish. The Poseidon Adventure! Shelley Winters in The Poseidon Adventure!"**
Woman (staring straight ahead): Silence.
Man (glancing through magazine): Contented silence.
Woman: "What exactly about that suit makes you think of Shelley Winters in The Poseidon Adventure? She wears a dress."
Man: "Huh! I guess you're right. Your suit is kinda brown and shiny, 'though, isn't it?"
Woman: "It is 'mocha.'"
Man: "Yeah, whatever. And, I guess it's the way it fits somehow. The thought suddenly came to me as you were standing by the side of the pool and you had your arms up and were getting ready to jump in."
Woman: "The way it fits?"
Man: "Hey! Where do you want to have dinner tonight?"
Woman: "I do not particularly care."
Man: "Okay! Let's try the new Chinese place!"
Woman: "You know, I think I'd just like to skip dinner."
Man: "Why? Ya comin' down with something?"
Man (looking up from magazine, seeing woman's face): "Oh, shit. "
BONUS! STUFF NOT TO SAY TO MAKE THINGS BETTER
1)"Old Shelley Winters is HOT!"
2) "WAIT! WAIT! WAIT! I didn't mean Shelley Winters in Poseidon Adventure! I meant Shelley Fabares in Girl Happy! With Young Elvis! I must have a brain tumor that is making my mouth say things that my brain is not thinking! Peppersteak! Flopdoodle!"
3) "I meant you're a strong swimmer like Shelley Winters! Shelley Winters was a totally awesome swimmer! She saved their BACON!"
*I love Shelley Winters--no disrespect intended. She once described her life as "A rocky road out of the Brooklyn ghetto to one New York apartment, two Oscars, three California houses, four hit plays, five Impressionist paintings, six mink coats and 99 films.” Woo, Shelley. To be fair, she had plenty of her own glamour shots:
And here, have a Shelley action figure:
**In fact, the picture of swimming Shelley shown above is an actor named Steve Kimbrough! Good job, Steve Kimbrough!
Friday, July 11, 2008
Thursday, July 10, 2008
As we have enjoyed a friendly relationship ('though clearly not as friendly as I thought), I want to believe that my doctor just forgets to tell me about the anti-death medication. Either way--whether my doctor has murder in mind or is just guilty of inadvertent sparkleslaughter--I'm going to have to prescribe anti-death medicine for myself. It's a bold step, but I've been going to the doctor all my life and feel qualified. I haven't totally figured out what to put in my anti-death medication, but I'm pretty sure it will contain many of the more entertaining Seven Deadly Sins and have a pleasing vanilla flavor with light citrus notes.
As I work on my formula, I've been thinking about various medicines. Seen this one?
This is a liniment--actually, I'm pretty sure this is straight turpentine. I bought it in a drugstore last year because I was fascinated by the package. If you google the product, you will find that it has a very long and involved history involving snake oil salesmen, the Alamo, and corporate malfeasance--firearms, too, in one thing I read. Does it work? We-ell. I have used it and I have felt less sore afterwards. I believe this might be because I got distracted by the fact I was actually putting it on my body--distraction factor is key in healing.
Now, this. This I practically use as a body wash these days. TECNU. TECNU the original outdoor skin cleaner. TECNU is also a good name for a robot--like the TECNU Helpatron 8000, for example. I digress. This is TECNU. It's good for washing poison ivy and poison oak stuff off your skin which apparently is going to constitute my summer fun this year. All I have to do is look at something that is green and I begin to feel The Itchy. But that's not all this product takes care of. Ask me. Ask me what else it does!
Thanks. Thanks for asking. TECNU was originally developed to wash nuclear fallout off your skin. I was fascinated by this and asked the pharmacist, "Is this really true?" And he said, "Yeah, y'know all that testing they did, they found that the guys who used this--" "Got cancer less quickly? Arms didn't drop off for 30 years?" "Yes, pretty much." The thing I don't get is how the chemical engineer's wife "just happened" to find out that it worked on poison oak and poison ivy. I can't get myself into her head in the moment. She's been out in the garden, she begins to feel The Itchy, and then what? Wouldn't every other housewife back then just slap some calamine lotion on it and call it a day? No. She heads into her husband's lab and grabs a random beaker? Well, however it happened. This stuff is excellent. And has a mild, pleasing aroma with lofty overtones of leather and cupcake frosting (I lie). And now, let me admit something briefly: When you have poison ivy, it feels extremely GOOD to direct a strong stream of hot water on it. Give it a try if you get poison ivy--really, it will be your only source of happiness for awhile. (Note: I'm sure it's bad to do this, but I won't tell. Also, I'm not sure that TECNU can stop you from turning into a brain-eating zombie or giant antwoman--it doesn't say that on the label.) Okay, so now I'm thinking about stuff I took when I was a kid and stuff people around me took. My grandmother, for example, was all about regularly taking laxatives. While it seems a tad unusual now, back in the day (and I mean back in HER day) it was quite normal. Let me introduce you to a pal of hers: Mr. Sal Hepatica. Sal Hepatica sounds like a nice old italian guy with a fruitstand. "Hey, Sal! How are the apples today?!" "The apples are GREAT, sunshine, the apples are bee-yoo-ti-ful!"
But, no. Sal Hepatica is a laxative. So, it's hot. Let's...get some lemonade? Relax in the shade? Take a dip in the pool? No. Let's take some Sal Hepatica.
Okay. That's weird, but not so bad. But this one is pretty odd--I'm not sure who they're targeting with this--circusfolk? And, I dunno, you'd think her symptoms ("sickish, headache, dizzy) might mean she should stay on the ground. But, no. The show must go on.
And this stuff? I actually had to take this stuff as a child. You know, when I couldn't do my trapeze act because I felt sickish. An important point: We did not cry FOR Castoria, we cried ABOUT Castoria. Being a pig and swigging too much wasn't the problem.
And this? Deeply disturbing. There are way too many scary things about this family to begin to count.
HAVE A GREAT THURSDAY! I'll be glad to share some of my anti-death medication with you when I figure out the formula.
Sunday, July 6, 2008
These are the 12 luminary bags I put outside for the fourth of July!
These are the 12 luminary bags after dark!
The third picture that should go here would be of the shreds of 12 luminary bags that I found in the front yard. Lily said she knew nothing about it. In fact, I believe she said: "Luminary bags? What luminary bags?" but it was difficult to hear what she was saying due to the wadded up red paper stuck in her mouth...
So, What's In Your Fridge Today?
This is what's in my fridge:
For the record: The stuff that looks like cheap red jug wine on the top shelf is hummingbird food, the stuff that looks like white wine in the bottom door shelf is green wine, the pineapple will kill your mouth due to enzymes (thanks, Su!), and the murky containers all hold Fourth of July leftovers including: (1) Tomato, basil, and mozzarella; (2) Fresh corn, cilantro, cumin, lime juice, cucumber, and hearts of palm salad (I made it up...it was pretty good); (3) Marinated green bean, red onion, and mint salad; (4) Leftover cookie dough from the doomed batch of George Washington Hats that I took to a party. Ants got in them. WHOA that bottom shelf looks like it's gonna snap.
Tidbits for Lushie Peach of Food With Eyes and Maria of Curly Wurly:
I ate at Woodbine Cottage once with my family when I was a little girl--we were treated to lunch by one of my honorary aunts--and I was awestruck. The little tearoom was simultaneously cozy and elegant, and although we never returned (I think it was a tad pricey), I fantasized about it every year afterwards. I think I wanted to move into the little cottage and have someone serve me crustless chicken salad sandwiches and lemon meringue pie 24-7. Little did I know the ugly truth that lurked behind those cheery shutters--until my sister gave me this cookbook a few years ago. Scroll down and you'll see what I mean. This food is indecently glad to be eaten--only Old Time Lemon Pie seems to understand and appear to be resigned to his fate. I think the chicken standing in the soup and the date being beheaded by its comrade disturb me the most.
And, here's another Cooperative Extension egg-related booklet for Lushie Peach! I rescued it, along with a few others, when I worked for Cooperative Extension. Last but not least, here is yet another banana booklet. I think that Lushie and Maria already have some up--and I recognize the recipes in there (banana/sardine salad, for example) but maybe not this exact one?
HAVE A GREAT MONDAY!