Monday, September 21, 2015

What Would Bill Do?

Five years ago, when I was wrestling with a vicious tag team of personal trials and tribulations, I decided I needed some spiritual guidance. Some divine being needed to latch on to my sorry bumper and give me a tow up and out of the valley of the shadow of death and that other stuff that valley has. I discounted any religion that makes grown women have catfights over the casseroles they bring to church suppers and anything that makes people feel guilty about anything. That's a lot of religions right there. I also ruled out Paganism and Wiccan and some other stuff because I don't look good in black velvet. As you might imagine, this left me only one option. Yes. I chose Bill Murray as my personal savior and now, when push comes to shove and even "Popular Mechanics" doesn't have a solution, I ask myself, "What would Bill do?" This is super easy to answer, and I usually only have two paths of righteousness to follow: (1) "Right now, Bill would make a mocking or self-mocking, witty remark"; (2) "Right now, Bill would show the universe the silent ache behind his laughing eyes."

Unfortunately, people get confused when I show the universe the silent ache behind my laughing eyes. They tend to say, "Do you have allergies?" or "Been at the computer too much, Squinty?" I do my best with the witty remarks, but I often fall short of the Murray gold standard. While my facial mugging and eyebrow quirking get top marks, I generally think of the sassiest line 11 hours later. Children are born, seasons pass, and infrastructure quietly crumbles as I slowly grind my way through a joke, and...

Beg pardon, gotta run. It's time for me to go practice that "silent ache behind my laughing eyes" look!